Blighted Ovum - hoping to help someone else with my story
Blighted Ovum. D&C. Those words are all I have left of the baby I was expecting would change my life forever. I feel so empty, so numb, so sad, so sorry for myself, so stupid for drinking all that milk and getting all that extra rest, for taking all those pre-natal vitamins, for thinking of names and for telling everyone we were going to have a baby.
I remember going for our first ultrasound at 12 weeks, sitting in the waiting room and cute little family; my husband, baby and me. I remember thinking very happily that we had made it; made it past the 12 weeks and that at any moment it was all going to become blissfully real. We were going to see our tiny baby, see it's little beating heart. I laid back on the table, felt the jelly on my belly, the weird black screen and then nothing. That's it, that's the end - there was nothing there. NOTHING!!
Moments later came the decision - do you want it to happen naturally or would you prefer a D&C? I didn't know, couldn't understand and didn't want to make that decision. Do I want you to scrape my empty uterus clean or would I prefer to let it all die and bleed out naturally? How about I nuture the baby I thought I was having until 5 min ago? How about I get fat and feel the kicking and let it grow until May - oh no wait- that decision was made for me - that baby doesn't even exist keep with the times here!
I signed some paper, took some Adivan, slept until they woke me up to pee before the operation. On the operating table the nurse tried to calm me down by talking about something else and I remember feeling stupid for being so sad. Why the long face, you never had a baby..what have you lost?! Presumably the doctors and nurses had seen much worse, what's so bad about an empty placenta? The doctor said he was putting something in my IV to calm me down, I looked up to the circle of lights and was out.
Now here I am a few weeks later and I feel like the whole journey, from positive home pregnancy test to looking up at the circle of lights was all just a cruel joke played on my heart. Silly me; I didn't really think I was pregnant did I? Those tiny shoes I saw at the church sale were for other people's baby - I was just pretending. There was nothing, just nothing. How can I get over that?
I also miscarried because of a blighted ovum in April. It tore me apart. I have two beautiful daughters already and feel very blessed, but that didn't make it hurt less. I was 8 and a half weeks pregnant when it happened. I felt the same way. I am now pregnant again and terrified that the same thing will happen. I don't dare tell anyone because what if there isn't a baby there again. It is almost as if I am in denial that there is a new pregnancy. I am 5 weeks and not sick yet. If I could just throw up or something I might feel like this is real. I get an ultrasound in 3 weeks. I am extremely nervous that I am going to go in there and see nothing again. I just wish I could stop worrying about it every day. I will let you know what happens. If there is anyone out there who has had a successful pregnancy after a blighted ovum, please tell me.
I also had a blighted ovum. I lost my pregnancy at 10 weeks on Aug. 26/04. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, as I got pregnant again right away, before even 1 cycle passed. I was terrified to go for my first u/s and deliberatly waited until I was at least 8 weeks. I certainly didn't want to look at the screen, and turned my head. My husband had to convince me to look over, and sure enough there was a tiny heart beating away. I was even terrified to go to my 2nd u/s at 12 weeks, but we got some great shots at that one.
I'm now scheduled for an amnio on Wed. and I'm hoping all is still ok.
Thanks for posting. I am so glad everything is going well for you with this one. Hearing from you gives me so much hope. I have tryed to stop worrying and now that I am starting to feel a little nausious I actually feel a lot better about this pregnancy. Only two more weeks until U/S. I don't think I'll be able to look either. Thanks again. I was wondering how Jomamma is doing. Are you still out there? Now that it has been two months are you starting to feel better or still having a hard time. It took me six months before I got over my depression. I gained 15 pounds. I hope you are not too depressed. Let us know!
you have hit everything i feel, the problem is my dr. hasnt said blighted ovum. I showed up for my 10 wk u/s on monday, already showing, so nervous and happy. And then the u/s the nurse didnt even turn the screen on and said nothing to me, just said she thought i had my dates off, i was measuring 8 weeks. So when the Dr. came in all he said is he sees nothing. But he scheduled me for another u/s next tuesday, on the miracle chance something magically shows up. So now im sitting here still feeling pregnant and tired and knowing its all fake. My DH doesnt understand cuz in his mind we didnt lose a baby there never was one so....... SO, WHAT?! I think the waiting is the worst for me. Why put me through this torture! My thoughts are with you and I have you find the peace your looking for, I know its going to be hard, but Im sure its there
Too everyone who has replied to my e-mail, I thank you for your concern and am happy that somehow knowing that we are not alone makes us all feel a little better. It took me a while to let go of 'pregnant me' and accept that I wasn't going to get big and round and feel the kicking and so on. So for a while I acted decidedly not pregnant - eating terrible food, drinking with my friends and smoking (which I don't normally do). I basically though, **** it, if I'm not pregnant then I don't want to be. It was a strange change from the excitedly maternal me; but thankfully again that has passed. Just this past month my husband and I decided to try again and presto I just had a positive pregnancy test yesterday!! I am not getting carried away this time, just figure the chances of me having a baby are greatly increased now that I am pregnant.
It's a tough thing to get over, but we are stonger than we think. THese things somehow happen for a reason - I figure for my husband and I we just needed a bit more time. I have my fingers crossed for this one and think that like you I'll be scared half out of my wits for the 8 week ultrasound. My thoughts are with you all, and my heart tells me we all just need to be patient and good things will come.