Blighted Ovum. D&C. Those words are all I have left of the baby I was expecting would change my life forever. I feel so empty, so numb, so sad, so sorry for myself, so stupid for drinking all that milk and getting all that extra rest, for taking all those pre-natal vitamins, for thinking of names and for telling everyone we were going to have a baby.
I remember going for our first ultrasound at 12 weeks, sitting in the waiting room and cute little family; my husband, baby and me. I remember thinking very happily that we had made it; made it past the 12 weeks and that at any moment it was all going to become blissfully real. We were going to see our tiny baby, see it's little beating heart. I laid back on the table, felt the jelly on my belly, the weird black screen and then nothing. That's it, that's the end - there was nothing there. NOTHING!!
Moments later came the decision - do you want it to happen naturally or would you prefer a D&C? I didn't know, couldn't understand and didn't want to make that decision. Do I want you to scrape my empty uterus clean or would I prefer to let it all die and bleed out naturally? How about I nuture the baby I thought I was having until 5 min ago? How about I get fat and feel the kicking and let it grow until May - oh no wait- that decision was made for me - that baby doesn't even exist keep with the times here!
I signed some paper, took some Adivan, slept until they woke me up to pee before the operation. On the operating table the nurse tried to calm me down by talking about something else and I remember feeling stupid for being so sad. Why the long face, you never had a baby..what have you lost?! Presumably the doctors and nurses had seen much worse, what's so bad about an empty placenta? The doctor said he was putting something in my IV to calm me down, I looked up to the circle of lights and was out.
Now here I am a few weeks later and I feel like the whole journey, from positive home pregnancy test to looking up at the circle of lights was all just a cruel joke played on my heart. Silly me; I didn't really think I was pregnant did I? Those tiny shoes I saw at the church sale were for other people's baby - I was just pretending. There was nothing, just nothing. How can I get over that?