In 1998, I was young and carefree. Only 21 years old. I had returned from an amazing stay in London, England. Anyhow, I began working at a local neighbourhood pub that was frequented by military personnel. We were located next to the base here in Edmonton. My friends & I used to all hang out a popular nightclub (which I also happened to bartend at) that was populated by the same military guys. We became friends with MANY of them.
Like I said, I was young and crazy & really didn't care about anything, but going out & working. One guy in particular & I, began seeing each other on a more personal basis. We both had such a great time. We weren't head over heels for each other, but we loved each others company in every way! He would constantly visit me & both my jobs, drive me places & then I began staying some nights at his place . Things were AWESOME!!
Well, I November '98 rolled around & I began to not feel so hot. I hadn't had my period since I was in England. That was almost 3 months back. I finally realized that something was not "normal", when I would watch "A Baby Story" on TLC. I would cry every single time!! It didn't matter what part they were showing~my tears would flow !! I caved in and bought a HPT. It was positive.
During this time, I didn't tell Rob. I didn't think it was nessessary. I mean, I figured that it was Alan's baby (the guy I lived with in England). Afterall, I didn't have my period for sooo long...
I told Rob that I was carring another guys baby & he was great with that. He said he didn't care. His last GF had a child, so he didn't mind. Just this time it was going to be "neater", as he'd be there throughout the pregnancy & the birth! He was fantastic!!
I had an ultrasound done fairly early on, and it put the gestational age at 7 weeks. 7 weeks?!! How could that be? I told the tech about my lack of AF, so she measured again, but 7 weeks and 3 months is a big difference, so there was no way it was Alan's baby. It was Rob's.
I didn't tell Rob right away. I know that I should have, but I really didn't know how to. He was preparing to leave on an exercise in a different part of the Province, and would be gone for a month. I didn't want him to worry.
I began having cramps around week 11, but everytime I went to the Dr., everything was still fine . They found out during that first u/s that I have a Bicornuate uterus . Only mine is sooo severe, that I am considered to have 2 uterus'. Thankfully only one cervex and vagina though.
I did finally tell Rob, and at first, he was mad at me . He thought I knew all along that the baby was his. In the end though, he forgave me & even went to the appointments with me. Week 12 brought upon a different story. My cramping became drastically bad. I spent night after night in the ER. All I was told, so that my cervex was still closed, but I was having a "Threatened Miscarriage" . I was sooo scared. I was blaming myself for this. Thinking that had I told Rob sooner, then maybe this wouldn't be happening.
The morning of January 13, 1999, I went back to the Royal Alexandra hospital Emerg. I couldn't even walk. Before we had left, I went to the bathroom at my friends house & I passed clots. I knew that wasn't a good thing. This time when they examined me, I had begun to dilate. They admitted me for the pain & impending miscarriage .
Tanis stayed with me the whole time. Rob knew, but he was packing his kit, as he was leaving for Hinton the next morning for his exercise. He did manage to make it later in the evening. The nurses let him stay even though it was past visiting hours. He was a little worried of my behaviour at first. I was out of control with the pain. Screaming like a mad woman & when they gave me pain meds & something to calm me down, I was acting like a babbling idiot. I hadn't been on Morphin since I was a kid. He didn't stay long, but long enough that on one of my bathroom trips (I had to use that Texas Hat thing)I passed a VERY large mass that didn't look like the rest of the clots. I knew that it was my baby .
Rob had to leave & the nurse took my baby away. I was yelling at her to leave him with me. I didn't want anyone to take my child away from me. No one would listen. I was in the halls screamming & yelling and crying. Everyone just walked right past me I was sooo heart~broken. No one would even come talk to me or rub my back or reassure me. My friends Tanis was still there, but she was just as upset.
The next day, I went in for a D&C. My wonderful Dr. just wanted to make sure that all was gone, with my uterus, there is a high chance that "baby stuff" may have been left inside~thus posing a health hazzard to me. All the way down the hall to the OR, I was screaming again~ "Don't take what's left of my Baby away from me" "Leave my baby alone". At one point they weren't going to do the operation, but my DR. calmed me down by meds & by talking to me.
When I awoke, It was all over. My precious baby was gone.
It's been a hard road since. Rob & I no longer talk. I let him know that the mass he did see (before they took him from us), was our child. I named him Daniel Robert Alan Dolson. When things were fine in the pregnancy, Rob had a dream that we had a little boy & we named him Daniel. Robert, after Rob. Alan is a name in my family (even my middle name, Alana, is from it) & Dolson is Rob's last name.
Rob cried when I told him this. I still think of my Daniel everyday. I wonder if he would have looked like my DS, Liam, or if he would have been dark haired & eyed like his Daddy...
PS Tan, thank you for all your support...I don't think I would have made it with out you
Every January 14, I light a candle & say a special prayer to my first baby. Here is the link to the webpage that I have made for Daniel... http://www.geocities.com/angelstouchme/Daniel.html
Diane Daniel Wings Awarded~ January 14th, 1999 12 weeks gestation
I am so sorry for your loss this must have been really hard for you as you were 3 months pg if i read correctly.
A girlfriend of mine just had a miscarriage a month ago, she was only 6 weeks, i cried so hard.
Shawn & David
EDD FEB 22 2005
I am so sorry for your loss of Daniel.
How wonderful that you remember him every year!
I think the healing is a lifelong process...you just get used to it being part of your life everyday.
Hugs to you,
Kolm 1/1/03 ^8^ Trisomy 13
Kieran Joseph 2/7/04
I'm sorry for your loss. (((hugs))))
Amber, my angel in heaven
#3 due 10/12/04
Wow Sweet one. 7 years, huh? It is so hard to believe. Still, not a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts. This is such a hard month for me. My first loss, my first child. The pain is still so real & raw.
I miss you millions. I love you billions.
My first son,
Just like with the Twins, I wanted to write sooner, but it was hard. After 8 years, it is still hard. I think of you all the time.
I know that you are still watching over Liam and I am sure you look out for Mikey too!
I have your Angel ornament from Jess hanging on my wall right next to the others, you are always together.
Sleep peacefully & know that Mommy is thinking of you and loving you each and every day.