I feel like dealing with loss has become the norm in my life. It started with my Grandfather. He was in his late 80s, so it was "easier" to deal with. He lived a long life. But he was a great man, and I miss him every day still.
A few years later, I lost my mother. She died suddenly from cancer. She didn't know she was sick, went into the hospital for a stomach ache and died 8 days later. It was hard to come to terms with. She was only 63. Which in my family is incredibly young to die (most of my grandmothers have lived to be in their 90s). I still cry over the loss of my mother. I miss her terribly.
Then was my cat. Seems insignificant compared to most losses, but she was a good friend. She died of cancer only a few months after my mother. It seemed quite unfair. She was only 10.
In the same year as the loss of my mother and cat, I had my first miscarriage. I miscarried naturally and went through what seemed like full labor. I was devastated. How could I be made to go through so many losses in one year? That was undoubtedly the worst year of my life.
And to top it off, the day I lost my baby, I lost my aunt. She died of natural complications of downs syndrome. She did live a very long life, given her condition. But boy, when it rains, it pours.
I guess I have been pretty lucky, because those losses were all more than two years ago. My mother's death is coming up on its 3rd anniversary. Really quite hard for me to believe.
Regardless, I feel like life is dealing me one blow after another. I just suffered my second miscarriage. This time, it was a chemical pregnancy, so at least I didn't have to go through "labor." But I am so heartbroken that I lost another child. I feel so inadequate. Like I'm not good enough to bear children. It is hard for people (esp. DH) to understand that just because I didn't have the "full" miscarriage experience, I was pg and I had already bonded with our child, even if ever so briefly.
Anyway, I write this all to give memorial to my two lost angels. They will never be forgotten, and will always be loved. Loss seems to be a new norm for me, and I will need to learn to deal with loss as a part of my life. I already have to deal with the pains and aches of the loss of my loved ones, including my precious babies. I am sure in the coming years, I will experience more loss, more heart ache. I guess it is just a part of getting older. In the meantime, I will embrace the love I have for those I have lost. I will never forget the joy they all brought to me.
Thank you for reading this and sharing in my memorial.