My Story...

I had a m/c about two years ago and I realized, in visiting here, that I have never told anyone about it. It has been a trauma that me, and my SO, have dealt with alone. Maybe its time I do...

First of all, this was actually my second m/c (even my SO doesn't know about the first). I was only 17 and didn't even find out until I had missed two periods. I was young and confused. Everyone around me pushed me for an abortion. I just couldn't. When the bleeding started, I was so afraid, I said nothing. My mom took me for my appointment and they said I had a complete m/c- no D & C was needed. I don't think I ever really dealt with that...

Fast forward six years later. My son was four and I had been with my SO for over two years. I found out I was pregnant and things were very stressful. My SO haden't planned on being a Dad yet- he was scared and acted very distant. I felt very alone. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy and we figured I was over six weeks. At 10 weeks I went in and heard the heartbeat- I was alone at that visit and it was there that I fell in love with my unborn. I knew Andy would come around, that he just needed time to digest, and I told my close family and his. After I told him about the heartbeat, he was so excited! He threw a party and told the rest of his family. I was floating on air. I wanted that baby more than anything else I had known. I dreamt every night of holding her...

At 13 weeks I went in for an u/s. We wanted to make sure development was ok. Andy's mom came with me, psyched about her first grandchild. When they started, I knew something was wrong. The "sac" was tiny- they couldn't find a heartbeat... They took blood and the results came back bad. I needed a D & C. The idea of it freaked me out. Wasen't that what they did to women getting abortions?? My OB/GYN warned me that being so far along, trying to m/c naturally could be dangerous. I felt, mistakenly, I know, like I was making some choice to end the pregnancy, even though logically, I knew it was over. Andy came with me and I cried the whole time. When I woke up I felt so empty- that empty feeling has never really left.

The drugs made me sick and on the way to our 2nd floor apartment, I collapsed. Andy carried me in and took care of me all night. He felt so guilty for his first initial reaction- stilldoes, really, like he jinxed the pregnancy for not being grateful for it. My heart still breaks for his broken heart.

I am now actively TTC again. I am so scared. I fear another m/c to my bones. Every piece of me aches for a baby and every fiber of me is in fear of losing another.

Thank you for listening. Telling that story has been a long time coming...

:bighug:

Melissa, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear of your losses.

Melissa-

I happened to look on this board today because I was feeling sad about some stuff in my life and I found your post... I am surprised to hear of your losses as I have seen you post on TTC board for awhile. I think it says a lot - you are so full of courage- to try again even though you feel like a m/c could happen. Did they ever determine what caused the miscarriages? I wonder if you could look into that so you could possible prevent the same circumstance? I have never been a mom but I can see how much you loved your unborn children - it shines through the words in your story. I pray that you will be able to become pg again soon.

Liza