I know there are a lot of stories posted here, but I thought I would add one more.
On March 31st I had my first prenatal appointment. My husband and I were absolutely overjoyed. The Dr. told me when I scheduled the appointment she might have time to do an ultrasound because "it was fun to see the baby's heartbeat." When we went to the appointment, the Dr did the pelvic and said the uterus seemed kinda small. She decided to go ahead and do the ultrasound. Needless to say, she did not see a heartbeat. She ordered blood work to confirm, but she was fairly certain I had miscarried.
Three days later I was back in her office. They told me my blood work hinted at a pregnancy loss, and did a repeat ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. The baby we were so excited to welcome, had died.
This has been the most heartwrenching experience of my entire life. You want to pick up and go on, but there are days when you just feel like you have abandoned all hope. You try to make plans so you have something to look forward to, but they seem very empty.
I really want to TTC again, but I'm fearful of doing this all over again, only to have the same result. I just would love to know if anyone else shares the same fear. I would also like to know if anyone feels like they are on an emotional rollar coaster with the sometimes unbearable emotional pain.
I am SO sorry for your loss. It's a horrible and agonising experience. Your thoughts and feelings are totally normal. I hope it helps to know that. How normal is it? Well, when you think about it -- if you DIDN'T feel pain over such a deeply sad experience, now THAT would be ABnormal!
And yes, I could totally relate to the emotional rollercoaster -- high and fast, with lots of unexpected bends, loops and turns. Believe it or not, this will get better with time. The fact that you are here, writing about it and reaching out for love and understanding, is (in my experience) the single most healing thing you can do. We lost Alex on 11 Dec 2002, and I spent 3.5 years virtually stuck in my grief and lack of acceptance, until I found this website. Within the last two years, I have shifted through the vast majority of my grief, thanks solely to this board. So please write in whenever you need to.
It sounds to me like this was your first loss -- good news: you are no more likely to suffer another pregnancy loss than is someone who has never lost a baby. Honest! Ask your doctor!
I remember trying to conceive after losing Alex, and it was so scary. But honestly, I was also scared and preoccupied about my baby's well being when I was pregnant the very first time (and happily went to full term; all was well), with no previous loss. The point is that every expectant mother is nervous and has fears about her unborn baby's well being -- though after a loss, this is intensified. This too, is normal. It reflects how deeply we already love our unborn child.
Your grief is all very new and 'raw' for you right now: it will lessen over time, I promise! And I hope you might decide to give pregnancy another shot, because the odds are terrifically in your favour that this will never, ever happen again to you! I respect it is your choice to make, but the end result of trying is totally worth it -- that I can (almost) guarantee too!
I'm glad you're here. We're going to help you through this difficult time.