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Thread: Stories of TTCAL **NO COMMENTS ON THREAD**

  1. #1

    Default Stories of TTCAL **NO COMMENTS ON THREAD**

    I thought having a permanent post to tell our stories would be nice. And we can update them as they continue.

    I will come back and post mine a bit later, I need to actually get to work now


    Edited by AChattyLady to add poll so it wont delete and to add guidelines:
    Please turn off your signature for this post. I will edit any post that leaves the signature on.

  2. #2


    Hi I'm Jo I am new to this site but have found it a great help already. I am ttc after losing my daughter and have cut my story from grief board as can't face writing it again!

    I am going to tell my story as it has really helped me to not feel so alone (and to have a good cry) reading this forum.
    I lost my little girl 5 months ago at 30 weeks. She is called Amelia. Everything had gone well and I had seen my midwife 2 days earlier. Then didn't feel her move for a whole day but told myself I was being silly.
    When I woke up the next day I knew deep down something was wrong and on arrival at hospital no heartbeat seen on uss. I then had to ring and tell DH who was away at work which was awful. I was sent home for 2 days and can't really remember them.
    I am lucky enough to have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who still managed to make me smile and made our house retain some normality but it is hard to grieve as she gets upset. She says mummy has leaky eyes! I couldn't look at or touch my stomach in those 2 days but when the morning came to go in to deliver her I didn't want her to leave me. That day goes down as the worst of my life, but DH and I got to spend some time with Amelia and I found it hard to go home and leave her. I was worried about seeing her and freaking out but that turned out to be the easist bit. She looked exactly like my other daughter and was perfect. (Nothing found on autopsy)
    I had a few problems with the hospital which I have written to them to ensure it never happens to anyone else, there were breastfeeding posters in my room and people were in and out alot uneccesarily during delivery. On DH and I first being left alone with Amelia 5 mins after she was born, someone came in looking for something and said congratulations. it turned out there was no symbol or sign on the door to let staff know it was a stillbirth and she thought we were crying in celebration.
    EDD was really hard, but we have been away as a family which was very needed. Very hard for DH as had to go back to work after 2 weeks and people ask how you are but forget him a bit.
    The whole experience has been dreadfull but I have also realised what wonderful family and friends I have. DH and I are even closer and every day with my daughter is cherished.
    Unfortunatly I also have lots of pregnant friends, which is hard but have realised I can't push myself too hard or expect too much yet. My friends are great and understand I won't be visiting for a while.
    Am trying again now but am petrified, I still have very up and down emotions but wanted to say reading other peoples experiences and support of each other has helped to give me courage - Thank you

  3. #3
    Super Poster
    Join Date
    Aug 2005


    I'm new. I've been off the pill since 1/04. My first miscarriage was on 5/6/05. I was supposed to be 8 weeks, but the u/s showed 6w 1d. I came back the next week and there was a heartbeat, but still 6w 1d. I came back again the next week and the embryo was still showing 6w 1d and no heartbeat. I just miscarried again on 8/16/05. I went for my u/s at 8 weeks and had a blighted ovum. I'm waiting for AF and then plan to try again. Doc doesn't think there is anything wrong me as the m/c were for different reasons, just bad luck. I'm 28 years old.

    Edited by AChattyLady to remove signature: 12/23/05

  4. #4
    Posting Addict emily80's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005


    My name is Emily and i am 25. My dh and I decided it was time to start our family. We are in a wedding in May of 2006, so decided in March to get off the pills. We did not want a baby to be due in May, so we were going to try to get a March or April baby. We got off bcp in March, but waited to get the pills out of my system. My lmp was April 20, since I have long cycles on July 1 I took a test, and found out I was 3 weeks pregnant (5 based on LMP). I made an appointment for the next week, and was thrilled to know I was pregnant. We decided to wait to let anyone know because I wanted to have the confirmation from the dr. My first appointment I went alone expecting only a bloods and urine test. Well since my last period was in March the dr thought I was further along so he wanted to do an u/s. In the u/s he did the normal checks, and then said he saw the beginnings of pregnancy, but was worried because either I was very far behind or was having a m/c. He took my blood and scheduled me another appointment that next Monday to retest my blood, and another us. I had to call my mom to have her come to the next appointment with me, i did not want to go alone-dh out of town, so that was not the way I wanted to tell her

    My next appointment was a five days later- it went about like the first- saw sacks but they were wierd shaped, my blood was taken again and was told to come back in two days. The next appointment was better my blood levels were more than doubling and the two sacks were still there but were now normal shaped. The dr then thought I was possibly having twins, so he sent us home for another week. Again my hcg was raising. Well i started bleeding and my next appointment found out that the sack was empty, and that I had a m/c. So the next day I went in and had a d&c performed. For three weeks I was pregnant, three weeks of ups and downs, and now I am waiting for my 1st period after my m/c so I can begin ttc again.

    Edited by AChattyLady to remove signature: 12/23/05

  5. #5


    My story...orginally posted on the Grief and Loss board

    Originally posted on September 24, 2005

    Wow… about irony. Just a few months ago I was a lurker on this board, and now I am posting a message. I guess I always knew I would.

    I am excited to join you gals and learn from you, and hopefully pass on some comfort to others. I am sorry this post is so long. I am never at a loss for words…..and I guess that comes out when I write. I just wanted to get it all out in one shot. It is easier for me that way. I have another issue you should all be aware of. I am painfully honest, and I am apologizing up front if I offend any one with my candor.

    My Story- written a week after the delivery

    Psalm 34:8 says: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

    My spirit was crushed on July 22, 2005, as I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was only 21 weeks, but weighed almost a pound. I have never seen such beauty. He was perfect in every way. He had his father’s eyes and mouth and had my nose. I feel so blessed to have been able to hold him, and I cherished every last second with him. My husband was glad that he saw him also and that we knew what he looked like. My baby was perfect and fought until the very end. I look at the pictures and find comfort in the fact that I at least have them. My only consolation now is to know that I will see him again in heaven.

    This baby was an answer to prayer. After a loss in March 04 at 8 ½ weeks, my family was elated to learn that were pregnant again. I have never prayed harder for anything in my life. I know that many of you also have prayed that prayer. I had a few bleeding scares throughout the pregnancy which my doctor attributed to intercourse. The ultrasounds all checked out fine, but I was always worried that my worst nightmares would come true. My mother says I “borrow trouble” with all my incessant worrying about what could happen. Throughout my pregnancy I searched this board and read every story. I looked at all the photos of the babies that had been lost. I wanted to prepare myself for every possible outcome. Looking back, I am glad I did.

    It all began on Thursday night. I felt some strange movement or cramping. It came in waves and then I knew it was contractions. I acted fast, as I have had a birth with my daughter from a previous marriage, who is 9 years old now. I called my husband and asked for him to come home and that we needed to go to the ER. He thought nothing was wrong. I asked my best friend to come over and watch my daughter. She thought nothing was wrong. I called my doctor’s exchange and left a message for the doctor on call (my doctor was out of town). She said we could go to the hospital. She thought nothing was wrong. When I arrived at the hospital the nurses took their time and thought nothing was wrong. The nurse checked me and I was fully dilated and my bag of waters was in an hour glass shape. Now people started believing that something was wrong and I was not just a member of the “Physic Friend’s Network.”  The doctor on call arrived and put me on meds to stop the contractions. She wanted to try and stop the labor, and even mentioned C-section to try and keep him alive. I was sooo confused. There was no way he could survive outside the womb at 21 weeks. She wanted to keep me in the hospital for 3 weeks at least. How could it be possible to stay in bed in that shape for three weeks? Contractions got worse. They gave me pain meds that did not help at all. I labored from 12 midnight until his delivery at 7:03 am. It was horrible. about 12-13 contractions per hour. The doctor refused to give me an epidural because I was on meds to stop the labor. It said it was unethical because I was on meds to try and stop the contractions. Yeah well, up his nose with a rubber hose, I thought. I finally got an epidural, but then about 10 minutes my water broke and the nurse and I delivered my son. The nurse was so upset after it all she went in the other room and cried. I am so upset that the doctor put me through all of that. I was glad that my husband and family had agreed to leave for the delivery. I wanted to spare them from all of that. We now know that I have an incompetent cervix.

    The awful thing is that at 12 weeks I had some spotting. I mentioned to my doctor at 16 weeks about the cerclage and he said that it does not always work and causes infection. My husband was wonderful. My best friend and mother and father were present during the labor…for me the perfect combination. For me my husband represents my ultimate love. My best friend is my rock and is a no nonsense kind of girl, a witch with a B that will kick rear and take names later. My father represents safety. And my mother, well, you always want your momma there.

    During the labor and birth I was emotionless. I was in such pain, but I never cried once. Even when the hospital staff discussed burial (after 20 weeks you have a death certificate and are required to bury or cremate) I just sat there stunned. Now I know I was in shock. I have been able to cry and mourn now that it has finally hit me. I am naturally a strong person who is used to helping other through hard times. This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I want to shoot my fist to the heavens and demand that God tell me why my baby is gone. I am a committed Christian and know my relationship with the Lord will heal. I am starting to have hope that I will have another perfect baby with his father’s eyes and my nose. We hope to try again after Christmas, but I am not sure if I will be ready.

    The Ugly Truth- Me and the aftermath

    One of my best friends was pregnant the same time I was and was due in September. She gave birth five weeks early….and as luck would have it her labor started at my house! About three week after my loss. She was staying over, as she often does. My husband was out of town and she did not want me to be alone without a buddy. It was like Vietnam all over for me. I saw that she lost her mucus plug and I could not sleep at all that night. I just laid in my bed waiting for her to move in case I had to be in battle mode. I saw her in the hospital and did ok with that. I was just intent on seeing that baby. I had to lay my eyes on her and make sure she was ok. She is fine of course, but I was so afraid that perhaps I lost my baby so I could help her with losing hers? I don’t have a hard time seeing her baby. I have an investment in that baby and my friend is a good mother and deserves her. Which brings me to my next ironic reminder of my loss.

    I had been doing really well…..then…It was like a cruel twist of fate snuck up on me and reminded me of the way the world works. It is terribly unfair. My former husband has not seen my daughter since she was 2 and she will be 10 in October. He dropped off the face of the earth and I was confident that he was still up to his naughty ways. I knew I was a good solider, however. I follow the rules and live my life focusing on what is good and helping others. The other day I found out that he and his wife had a baby boy and she was pregnant the same time as I was. I was livid! How can he, the naughty one, be blessed before me? He did not deserve a second chance? He threw his first child to the wayside? I have since repaired from that. I am not jealous at all. Just mad that he was blessed first.

    You must all be thinking. You are such an ungrateful person…at least you have a child? I must say that for me, having 1 healthy child on earth does not make the burden of a loss any easier to bear. My husband, who has been involved in my life since shortly after my divorce is a God-Send. He has been in my daughter's life from about 2 1/2 on and we married 5 years ago. He is the only father she has ever known, and he loves her most definitely like she was his own. He is my best friend and one of the most outstanding people I have ever met. He would slay dragons for me and worships the ground I walk on. He is very cute and is an amazing football coach and teacher. He was the Homecoming King in high school and was voted "Most Likely to be Remembered", "Most Athletic" and "Best All Around". I am the envy of all my friends and everyone wants to know how we have the most amazing relationship in the world. I say this not to brag, but to illustrate how these qualities in him, add to my suffering. This man deserves to have a child who shares his genetic qualities. My daughter is blessed with an amazing voice. I too am a singer and went to a School for the Performing Arts before I decided to pursue my current profession, politics. In my day, I was the best in my school, and one of the best in my town. My daughter is better than I ever was and her voice is so good it is eerie. I get to look at her sing and know that I gave her that quality. She was blessed with that through me. I get to live through her and watch her talent exceed my own in all the days of her life. What about my husband? God certainly should give him that same chance? I am hopeless flawed and he is wonderful. I can't imagine living with myself knowing that I lost our son because of problems with my body. Yeah, I was not my fault...I hear that ever day from EVERY person I know, including my husband. But the burden still feels like mine alone, and I am determined to do everything I can to make him have what I have. I used to want a baby at all costs….now I just want his baby.

    Today, Yesterday and the day before

    Today I am trying and look at each new day with the promise of tomorrow through the eyes of faith. Faith has always come easy to me in the past. Our loss has tested my faith, but I am careful to look for the blessings. Blessings from my loss have come. Incredible ones, in fact. I am just trying to add them all up now wondering if they will be enough to make the loss of my baby, to use a bad phrase, “worth it”? I know it will never be “worth it”, but maybe it will just be ok someday. My best comfort is knowing that I will see my baby again. I may differ with some on this, and I hope very much that I don’t offend anyone, but I do not believe that my baby is an angel. He is a person. A human like us with a spirit and will. Angels only wish they can be like us. They are created only to love, praise and serve God and know nothing else. They were never given the choice to love God….well except for maybe one and we all know who that is . Humans were given the choice to love God. Free will to love him or hate him. My feeling is that love is better when it comes by choice.

    Am I going to “get back on the horse” again, so to speak? Yup. I went to a wonderful specialist on Tuesday. As my husband and I walked into his plain and understated office, I almost felt as if I was seeing the Wizard of Oz! He was so nice and you could sense his that he was a brilliant man. We spent an hour in his personal office with him and he actually went over my medical records and forms in front of us! He spent about an hour with us just talking. It was sooo comforting to have someone actually listen, and think I was not just a crazy! He looked at all the evidence and our history and said those words of dread I have heard only once from a doctor before, "I don't think there is anything wrong with you". He did say that based on my age and history that he is very confident that we will eventually have a healthy baby and carry it to term. That was nice to hear. He wanted to run every hormone and blood test known to man just to rule everything out and took 10 vials of blood. Yes! He is also leaning toward the incompetent cervix being the reason for the loss. He did concur with me and recognized the fact that true cervical competence is very rare. It is a typical explanation for a 2nd Trimester loss. And no doctor is not going to place one in my case. They will just stitch me up because it won't do any harm not too. he is not a 2nd term lost expert, but the problem is no one is! I am sure there is an OBGYN out there who may be, but hell I can't find him. I am more concerned with my "super" dilation in both of my pregnancies that resulted in a delivery. I think there may be something in me that triggers contractions faster than most. He is going to look at everything and said in the last two months there has been promising progesterone research and wants to try it with me. He said it will not harm a developing fetus. He also recommended a new OB in my town. I am going to interview him when the specialist has done is work and see if he concurs with my plan of care. Screw it! I am going to call and make an apt. and say I just want to talk to him and not have any exam at first. I want to see if he agrees with the Home Monitor Uterine Monitoring device (you use it at home and it monitors the contractions you can not feel. You wear it 2 hours per day and it transmits info through your PC to a monitoring center. If there is trouble, the doctors at the center call your doctor to give you the appropriate meds to stop the contractions) and is up to my DEMAND of having more visits and vaginal exams and ultrasound at least every month. My insurance will cover the monitoring device if you have a cerclage. It runs 80-100 per day to use it. Hot sounds great huh? I lost my baby because I went into pre-term labor. It only makes good sense to try and catch it if it comes early next time?

    Update: 10/17/05

    The blood tests show that I have Factor V Lieden (a genetic blood clotting) disorder. My specialist cannot rule out that I still don't need a cerclage. In my next pregnancy, I will have to have injections each day and will have the cerclage. I am TTC this month.

    God bless all of you who have been thorough a loss, keep the faith girls and don't give up!

  6. #6
    Posting Addict Tonieerin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005


    This is my story (copied from the m/c board).

    My name is Erin (24) , and I am married to a wonderful Brazilian man named Toni (24). We were pregnant with our first baby, due April 3 of 2006.

    On Sept 5, Toni and I went for a rollerblade, and when I came back I noticed that my CM was slightly pinkish. I panicked a little, but thought that it was maybe because I had been exercising, and decided to just keep an eye on it. Then, again Sept 6, I saw a streak of red blood in my CM after using the washroom. Right away I went into the Dr., and my regular Dr wasn't on shift so I had to see a horrible other one. He looked for the heartbeat, and then said, "well, it could be because you were exercising, or you might just be miscarrying." I left there feeling worse than when I went in, so I called to see if I could get in to the u/s Sept 7 on a cancellation.

    So in the afternoon of Sept 7 we went in for the u/s. She started the scan, and then went to a trans-vag scan. When I looked up on the screen my eyes filled with tears, because I could see that the baby was far too small. The Dr. told me that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks, when it should have been measuring 10.5. Also, there was no heartbeat. So Toni and I went home, and shortly after I arrived I started bleeding. I called my Dr. and she told me to come in right away. So I went in, and she determined that I had begun miscarrying.

    Then the night of Sept 7 I ended up in the hospital, and was there until 3 am. While there, we officially lost our baby. I was back at the hospital for another u/s the next morning, where they determined that the physical stuff is pretty much over with. Now the emotional healing remains.

    This has been incredibly difficult for us, as I'm sure you can all relate to. Though we know that God has a purpose in this, it still hurts. We are trying to be still, and know that He is God. We will trust Him in this.

    I look forward to getting to know you all. I am so so so thankful to have a place to talk about this openly. It will be amazing to connect with other women who feel, or have felt, what I've been feeling the past few days.

    Blessings on all of you.

    Edited by AChattyLady to remove signature: 12/23/05

  7. #7
    Super Poster
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    With the most beautiful little girl in the world!

    Default my story

    My name is Tiffany. I am 22 years old i was 21 at the time.
    Me and my husband ryan got married august 7 2005. in november i decided to stop my birth control patches. igot pregnant in january and found out in february. everything was fine up until may. my maternal serum test came back abnormal and i was sent to a hospital in the next town. they found that my baby had many problems and i had to terminate. there was no chance of my baby living after birth and they didnt know how it was even still alive. i was put into the hospital on may 31 and was put into labor. about 2 weeks later my mom called the hospital to see if there was any test that me and my husband needed done before we tried to concieve again. they said that there was nothing wrong with us and that what had happened was just a "fluke". i found out that day that my baby was a little girl. what my baby had was only in girls so there was no way of not finding out what it was. i was 20 weeks when i delivered. it has been hard for me but we have started trying again. i am a little nervous but cant wait until im pregnant again.

    me 22
    dh 21

  8. #8


    My name is Emily, i'm 21 and my fiance is 22.

    We found out that i was pregnant in late May, it was a suprise as the pregnancy was unplanned. We were very excited.

    I went for an ultrasound as i was unsure how far along i was. The u/s showed a deformed sac and i was told that i would miscarry.

    one week later i was in excrutiating pain over my left hip. I went to hospital had another u/s and was told i had miscarried, i thought that this was odd, as i had not passed any blood or clots, i was just sent home. (NEVER going back to that hospital, i was appauled)

    The next day i saw my GP as the pain was worse, i could barely move. I was told to cuddle a hotwaterbottle and that i'd be fine, i know he was wrong. I screamed at him to send me to a Gyn, and after much pursuasion he did.

    I saw my gyn the next day and had a third u/s. This time it showed that the 'deformed sac' was a 'ghost sac' (i think is what they called it) and that i had a huge ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. I was rushed to hospital and into emergency surgery.

    My tube and ectopic ruptured during the surgery and i lost a dangerous amount of blood in seconds. If that had have happened anywhere else other than the operating table, i'd be dead. They removed my tube as it was unrepairable. They also found that i have endometriosis, which probably caused the ectopic.

    I spent the next 3 days in hospital as i was very unwell from the blood loss and traumatic surgery. We were told to have children now or never as the gyn didn't know how quickly my endo will spread.

    It has been almost 5 months now, i still burst into tears at the word baby or pregnancy or even a screaming toddler, believe it or not i miss my tube, i know that i have another one that is probably fine but gee! i can't explain it. i'm not complete anymore. 5% of women who have en ectopic have a second one, i can't go through this again! i want to be pregnant but i am so scared! I only have one tube left now. i WILL NOT loose this one.

    We are now TTC and trying to move on, it's just so hard. I'm sure you all understand.

    Learn from my story, doctors dont get it right all the time, if i had have lisened to my GP i would be dead now. LISTEN to your body and your instincts, they know what's happening.

    Thankyou all for your love and support
    -eMily- aka -oiMiloy-

    Edited by AChattyLady to remove signature: 12/23/05

  9. #9


    My DH and I got married on May 2004. We knew we wanted to have children years ago, but we both were grad students, so we were waiting for the right time. Although he moved to another state for a job, in July we decided it was about time to get pregnant as he was going to move back to NC in Jan. I got pregnant on our first attempt. No need to tell the happiness and excitment it meant. We told our parents the same day we found out. It was over the phone, we are both foreigners and our parents are in our home countries. They were all very happy, my DH and I are the oldest children. On week six, he was visiting me. I had a terrible bad dream:I had a miscarriage...I was crying of fear the next morning. Then I had spotting. My DH and I went to ER, they had us there from 2pm, around 9pm I finally had an u/s. There was nothing, they said it was because there was not a baby or because it was too small. I was praying it was the second. No more spotting an of course more hope. There were so many things in my head during this time. Prayers to God, visualising my dream again and again. DH was with me for three weeks just because of a project he was doing in the area. The day of my real appointmen, two weeks later came and I had another u/s: Blighted Ovum. It was so terrible news...I cried so much, so did DH (he never cries) it was so devastating. (Boy, I am crying while I type this just remembering his eyes). Still all the sypthoms were with me. My doctor told me that my body was way to conviced I was pregnant and that it was going to take at least a month for it to realize I was not. That for a natural m/c. I just didnt want to go to the delivery section in the hospital for the D&C, so I took the pill. It was horrible but still my DH was with me, lying on the bed hugging me and even went to buy pads because I had run out of it. He changed the sheets twice because I had a couple of accidents because I was bleeding so much. (God, I love him so much). Two days after I took the pill he had to go back to NM. I am glad he was with me during that hard time, but I needed him so much after that. I talk a lot on the phone, but I think October has been the worst month of my life. I live with two girls who are very nice but they have their own lives going on. It is not the same like having DH with me. I have missed him so much, more than ever. I have cried so many nights. It still hurts. I think I will never heal. It is hard to be normal again, I used to watch Health Channel a lot, now I can not see anything related to babies...I know it will make me cry.

    I got my period on 10/29. At least I think it is my AF, because I hadn't stopped bleeding since 9/22. I just had a little tiny cramp and more amount on 10/29. I actually got very happy when I got this AF because my body was taking for ever to let me move on. To distract my mind, I am concentratin in planning our next TTC. That would be Dec. Now, I dont think I will see my DH when I am ovulating and that is my fear. I will see him the 16th, and I think I will be ovulating the 13th-14th. So many uncertainties in our lives right now about jobs and so. The only certainty we have is that we love each other so much and that we want to have a baby.

    Edited by AChattyLady to remove signature: 12/23/05

  10. #10
    Posting Addict **Tiffany**'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003


    I have had 2 m/c so I have 2 stories.

    Here is the first: I was 19 (1997) the first time I got pg, dh (who was my bf then we didnt marry until 2000) was 18. It was a confusing time but I was just elated to be pg. I had always wanted children and though this was a big shock I just smiled when I saw the + test. I had been on the pill and I had no idea that I was pg until I realized I hadnt had a period for 2 months which isnt unheard of on the pill but something told me to test so I did. Looking back now I should have suspected things werent going well. I never had any real symptoms except my boobs were a bit sore. When I had my first ob appt. not to long after I tested. From the date of my last period I should have been 9 weeks along, the pelvic showed my uterus wasnt enlarged at all. They repeated the pg test and it was still + so they did an u/s. It showed a 6 wk fetus though they didnt see a hb the doctor never told me to worry. Back then I didnt know I should. The doctor sent me home and I went merrily on my way until I started spotting brown at what was probably 9 wks. An ER visit later I found out that the baby had never grown past 6 wks. It was hard I know that you all know my pain. I was so young and the thought had never occured to me that I could lose the baby. I was woefully unprepared. I wish the doctor would have told me that things didnt look well. I went on to bleed and cramp and pass clots for a week. That week is still a blur to me I know I didnt do much but take in specimen jars to the doctor and get u/s to see if I had passed the fetus yet. I ended up with a d&c. After I had healed we didnt try again as we were young and dh didnt want to though I would have jumped at the chance. I didnt talk about my feelings back then I just buried it all away. I cried but I felt that no one knew my pain. Time healed me as much as it could and I went on. A year later I got pg on the pill again this time with my daughter Emma. After that I had 2 more successfull pg's. Though the fear never left me and I did have bleeding scares with all of them.

    My 2nd story: This past September I found out I was pg again with what would have been our 4th child, I am not sure when I got pg though. We were very happy though we hadnt tried (I have never up until now tried to get pg and I have been pg 5 times). I of course started in worrying right away as I always do. I had cramping as I always do and then some minor spotting. I was assured when I called my doctor that it happens and not to worry. I had my first ob visit at what I think was about week 7. My uterus was enlarged (something I always make sure of now) and everything looked good. I had every symptom in the book which my doctor assured me was good. Since I didnt know when I conceived I was scheduled for an u/s in 4 weeks to date the pg. I cant exactly say what was wrong but I just felt scared, everyone assured me that I am always scared when I am pg , which is true. But this seemed different, I didnt want to tell anyone. I had some brown spotting on Oct 8 and that is the death nell for me they always say not to worry about brown but the pg's I kept I spotted red and the one's I lost I spotted brown. I went into the er and the did an u/s. There was a baby and it was at 6 wks, I knew I should have been farther along than that, and there was a hb. I wish now that I hadnt seen that. But the tech didnt tell me the hb was very slow. The doctor came in and told me that later. I had convinced myself things could be ok. The look on the doctors face told that wasnt so. He said that hb was very slow and it was possible that it was really early but based on my + test weeks earlier not probable. My immediate thought was this isnt FAIR!! I have already done my penance I did this once already. I received a rhogham after waiting for hours in the er and went home. I continued to spot and it turned red around evening. Dh kept saying things will turn around but I knew they wouldnt. At 4 in the morning the m/c started. It was painful and I knew I had done it on my own this time. It was confirmed in the doc's office 2 days later. It is exactly a month ago today it happened. Strange I didnt even realize that though the m/c has never been far from my mind. Even when I think it is it isnt. If that makes sense. I am now done w/ my physical healing and ttc again. I am scared to be pg and scared not to be. I am scared I cant get pg that some cruel twist of fate will make it hard for me to conceive now. I am Catholic and I trust in the Lord that he will gift me with another child. I faltered a bit and felt abandoned at first but I have come past that. I talk with Him alot about what happened and I know there was a reason. Thanks for listening girls it helped me to get this out.

    Edited by AChattyLady to remove signature: 12/23/05

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