Things have been fine here, but in the past couple weeks I’ve been absolutely exhausted and emotional. I know that most of that is due to being pregnant, but at the same time, it’s also been Reed’s birthday, and Ivy has reached 14 months. Soon she will be as old as Reed ever got! I never thought that this would be difficult, but it really has been.
Not only that, but DH picked up a movie last night (The Road). It’s the story of a Dad and son as they travel across America after a huge disaster that caused everything to die. Near the end, Dad dies of starvation and pneumonia (likely) as Son (11-12yo?) was holding him. For some reason, this affected me hugely, and made me think of that night we spent at the hospital holding Reed’s lifeless body.
As much as I was upset, I think that it helped me (not the lack of sleep, but getting it out).
I also feel that as much as DH wants to be helpful, that he doesn’t have a clue how to deal with it (he’s usually so good about things and knows exactly what I need). But at the same time, I don’t want to be asking. I should be able to deal with it myself at this point. After all, it’ll be 2 years ago come September when this baby’s due.
Maybe more of my feeling the need to keep things in is that DSS is constantly talking about how Ivy is getting to be as old as Reed ever was, and when would that be? Also, that even days after Reed’s accident he was confused as to why DH and I were upset, after all, “He’s gone. You know that. Why be upset anymore?” So why should I be upset now, almost 2 years later? Logically, it makes sense. But what does logic have to do with anything?
Anyway, just needed to write something somewhere and this seems to be the best place.