Why does it hurt so bad?

7 posts / 0 new
Last post
Joined: 02/19/09
Posts: 2
Why does it hurt so bad?

My son was born on January 23, 2009. He died in my arms the same day. He was inside me me for 22 weeks. The docs said I had an incompetent cervix. I had 2 rescue cerclages placed to try to keep the baby inside, but my water broke and the docs refused to resusitate at 22 weeks. They said I had a high fever which was sign of infection and they needed to induce my labor. He was born, he had a heart beat, but he never cried. He took one breath. I saw his little fingers move. My husband and I hung on to hope that he would live. We begged them to do something, but they refused because they said he had to be at least 23 weeks for them to resusitate. A difference of one week. I am so angry. How could they not try to save a human life? And why did God allow this to happen? I've had 2 eptopic pregnancies. And I thought this is finally it. God has finally blessed me. But, just like that what I thought was a miracle was snatched away from me. A part of me died with him that day. It hurts so bad. I want the pain to end.

Joined: 06/02/07
Posts: 3

I am so sorry. I know how hard loss can be. I had three miscarriages over a period of three years. Two were spontaneous and one was a "fetal demise" which resulted in a D&C. That one was the hardest. I went into surgery pregnant & came out empty. I felt as though they removed a part of my soul along with my baby. What was the worst, they wouldn't tell me what they did w/him/her. I had no closure. My sorrow was immeasurable. I underwent all sorts of testing, but the dr's couldn't find anything wrong. They chalked it up to "bad luck." Then when I finally did conceive again, I was so sure everything would be ok...until I started bleeding. Two days later, I had another m/c. I was so angry. All I could ask was "WHY!?!" Why did this keep happening? Why to ME? Why couldn't the dr's find what was wrong? Devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I felt as though I was shrouded in a dark, dense fog, with no way out. But slowly... very slowly... the fog began to lift. It went from black...to grey...to silver...and eventually some light began to peek in. It took a long time, but I was finally able to find my way out. So even though you may feel from the very core of your being that you're slowly dying from the inside out, things will get better. You just have to believe that.


Joined: 02/19/09
Posts: 2

Cat ,

thanks for the words of encouragement.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience on January 9, 2009. I went into preterm labor that they could not stop and ended up having an emergency c section with my baby Zach at 24 weeks. He lived for 6 hours total. They intibated him, but the meds they gave him for his lungs caused two holes to form in his lungs. We removed care two hours after his birth. It has been so difficult to carry on with the most mundane activities. I feel as though I am going through the motions of life yet not really living.

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in the darkness. I have brief moments of feeling normal, so I have to hope that while I will never again be complete, I can learn how to carry on and turn this experience into one that makes me a better person.

Alissa412's picture
Joined: 12/24/07
Posts: 14

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too am starting the healing process as I delivered yesterday at 17 weeks.

butterflykissesx6's picture
Joined: 06/28/07
Posts: 509

I am so sorry for your loss. :openarms:

Minx_Kristi's picture
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261

This makes me so angry!! They won't assist before 23 weeks because they feel the child will have a rough life. I have seen though that a child can be a happy healthy child if given the chance.

i can't imagine what you went through! I would have been kicking and screaming!!