The In Between Time

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violetjed's picture
Joined: 05/03/07
Posts: 116
The In Between Time

Sorry, but this post is a bit of a downer. I just need to put this out there and see if this fits anyone else. I've had two early m/c's. This period for me is absolutely excruciating. I can't let myself get too excited about what is going on. Every time I talk about my pregnancy it's prefaced with "if this one wants to stick around". I want to jump up and down and start making plans but all I can think about is the pain of letting everyone know that we lost our previous pregnancies. It's much easier having a beautiful little boy but we really want one more. I know in my heart that if this doesn't work out that I am out of the game. I can't emotionally handle this again.

Unfortunately, DH isn't much help. He's been through this too. He shuts himself off emotionally until he can count on it happening. Right now I feel like he is just humouring me that this is going to happen. He doesn't want to get attached and he hates seeing me hurt. So here I am relying on the grace of strangers Smile

I feel good-queasy, exhausted, hungry, totally irritable. Um, well I mean bad-good. I am trying to remain positive. Just wanted to know if I am alone.

turtnjay's picture
Joined: 02/24/09
Posts: 2095

Girl, you are definitely not alone!

After my loss in 2008, things were never innocent anymore. I miss that time. You know, where you completely oblivious to anything going wrong? I miss that.

I struggle everyday to keep myself in a positive place and I was actually in tears the other day talking to DH saying that I don't feel preggo because I feel so good. That was a dark day for me but I snapped myself out of it by:

1) keeping myself busy. I started cleaning like a mad woman and baking again and planning dinners. That helped to occupy my mind so it wasn't drowning in the what ifs.

2) I believe that the universe gives you what you put out and all the negative vibes I was giving out were just bring more in. I had to be positive so I could more positive back. I decided to be happy I was plans, no thoughts...I was just preggo and I needed to remember to celebrate that.

3) if something should happen to this baby, it's because he was not healthy and not meant for this world. My body knows way more than I do and is doing what years of evolution has taught it to do.

These things all helped me to get to better place. It's not complete but I can smile when I think about the fact that I am preggo and not just blurt out how worried I am.

I hope you can find that peace until you get to a 'safe' stage. I am sending super sticky vibes, too. Smile

nmpiche's picture
Joined: 08/29/07
Posts: 508

You are not alone. I have a 3 year-old and have had 2 m/c this year. One in September at 6 weeks along and one in Jan at 14 weeks. I am still not over the Jan one. I hated telling people that I was no longer pregnant (and we'd only told close family and a few of my close friends). People do not know what to do or what to say. DH was little help. I kind of think he felt like we "dodged a bullet" as he wasn't sure he was ready. He told me that DD wasn't real to him until he could actually hold her, but for me I was already so attached to the baby and having the m/c at home was so awful. I know I haven't really finished dealing with my feelings. I am now about 6 weeks along with this pregnancy and went to the ER yesterday with abdominal pain which of course I thought was an ectopic pregnancy (assuming the worst now seems to be the norm for me). Turns out my corpus luteum cyst is leaking fluid into my abdominal cavity, but all looks okay with the baby (thank goodness). I am having a hard time feeling like everything will work out, but trying to trust that it will. Sending you extra sticky vibes. Hang in there.

Ventana's picture
Joined: 10/23/05
Posts: 187

You are definitely not alone... :bigarmhug:

mom2robbie's picture
Joined: 01/20/07
Posts: 2541

I am totally in the same boat. I had my d&c on April 2nd and here I am. There was nothing wrong with my previous pregnancy - I had the worst m/s.. everything seemed fine until that awful u/s telling us there was no heartbeat.

I am terrified and anxious, not sure what to do. I am seeing a counsellor who only deals with m/c and stillbirths. She says what I am feeling is expected but I want to enjoy what will be our last pregnancy.

Joined: 03/31/11
Posts: 119

((((HUGS)))) I've had 3 losses.. 2 at 6 weeks and 1 at 10 weeks... it's hard to just let it be, and not worry.

You are not alone!

JuneorJulyBaby?'s picture
Joined: 10/20/08
Posts: 2479

Even those of us that are lucky to never have had a loss are not alone :bigarmhug:

violetjed's picture
Joined: 05/03/07
Posts: 116

Thanks for all the kind words, ladies. Wishing all of you stickiest of vibes and positive thoughts as well. I just keep trying to listen to the wisdom of Bob Marley, "Don't worry about a thing cause every little thing is gonna be all right." One of these days it will sink in Smile

Joined: 04/27/09
Posts: 251

"violetjed" wrote:

Unfortunately, DH isn't much help. He's been through this too. He shuts himself off emotionally until he can count on it happening. Right now I feel like he is just humouring me that this is going to happen. He doesn't want to get attached and he hates seeing me hurt. So here I am relying on the grace of strangers Smile


sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. it's completely understandable that you feel the way that you do, especially after what you've been through.

if it makes you feel any better, my DH is kind of the same way that you've described yours...we've never had a m/c so maybe it is just kind of a universal husband reaction....they can't feel any changes in their body, and the whole thing just doesn't seem "real" to them...i think it's just their way of coping with the unknown.

i'm putting lots of sticky vibes out for you!!!

Joined: 01/19/06
Posts: 550

"JuneorJulyBaby?" wrote:

Even those of us that are lucky to never have had a loss are not alone :bigarmhug:

ITA with this. The first trimester seems to be dragging so sloooooooowly for me too. I can't wait for the second tri. The first trimester is the worst part of pregnancy.

lesleynka's picture
Joined: 04/26/11
Posts: 1845

I have experienced a loss too. I didn't know anything was wrong until the h/b couldn't be found. Went to the u/s & no h/b. I had no cramping, bleeding, sign.

I am happy when I feel queasy, but I still know it is a possibility. My last one happened @ 9wks, found out @ 12wks.

I am coming up on 9wks. REALLY hoping to find a h/b @ my next ob appt in a week even tho it may still be a little too early.


Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

You are not alone. Unfortunately, many many of us have been through a loss, and have lost that sort of innocent assumption that everything is going to be fine.

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

I just try to stay positive and stay busy, in hopes that it will make the weeks pass quickly until I am out of the first trimester and maybe can relax a little.

Joined: 07/21/02
Posts: 1007

Definitely not alone...we have had many sentences prefaced with the same "if this one works out". I had 2 m/c recently--august at 5 weeks and end of january at 14 week. I feel like I am just waiting. I didn't even schedule any early testing of any sort this time. Back in Nov when I found I was pg again, I called my dr who did beta's to make sure everything looked good (they did) then did an early u/s because of that loss and saw a hb at almost 7 weeks. I allowed myself to feel like nothing would happen--m/c rate is supposed to go way down after a h/b is detected right I thought, and we told family at 10 weeks. I'm glad I waited to tell everyone until after I had my 12 week vist where my ob could not find the hb, pulled me in for u/s and baby had died at 8 weeks, just a week after we had a good h/b and on-target growth. So we had to tell family and just a few close friends. So I decided if things could be fine early on, and go downhill, I would just wait in oblivion with cautious hope until it was more likely things would be ok. I hoped to go in at 12 weeks, but my dr scheduled me for 10--and it is still almost 4 weeks away, which seems like an eternity.

Sorry for the long life story--but I know how you are feeling. And my dh is guarded too--he doesn't want to attach either so we hardly ever discuss it. I love this board for that reason--somehow it seems there are a lot of us in similar situations, we can support each other!

Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454


I myself have never mc but it can happen to anyone. Just stay positive, many thoughts and prayers your way!

violetjed's picture
Joined: 05/03/07
Posts: 116

Holly, I can't even believe what you've been through. Thank you for sharing your story. It's just amazing to me that this isn't the face of pregnancy that you see when you first start out. Everything is so easy. You get pregnant and have a baby. I remember being absolutely shocked when I found out 40-50% of all pregnancies end in m/c after my first pregnancy. I can't help but be in awe of the strength and resiliency of women after listening to all of these stories the last 8 years.