Can someone tell me if Im being ridiculous?

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James87's picture
Joined: 05/07/11
Posts: 232
Can someone tell me if Im being ridiculous?

My husband has a previous daught from a one night stand (go figure) and he refuses to tell the mother that he is married and expecting another child. This is really bothering me. He says that its because she wont let him see his daughter....HELLO!!!!! SHE DOESNT LET HIM SEE HER ANYWAYS!!!!!!!!!

Mommyin0406080912's picture
Joined: 02/16/08
Posts: 1644

Do they have contact with eachother where the news would just come up?

James87's picture
Joined: 05/07/11
Posts: 232

they will talk like once every two weeks but i feel like he is just trying to keep everything a secret. ummm helllo we just found out she's going to the same ob as me ( shes prego again)

thinktink19's picture
Joined: 06/18/06
Posts: 1028

If she is going to the same on as you he def needs to tell her especially since the chance of all of you guys running into eachother seems pretty high.

sometimes's picture
Joined: 07/08/08
Posts: 900

He needs to be up front and honest, like ASAP. Hello, you are MARRIED and expecting a child! It's not like YOU are a 1 night stand. Sorry, I'm kind of mad for you.

JuneorJulyBaby?'s picture
Joined: 10/20/08
Posts: 2479

If he never sees his daughter or talk to his "one night stand" I can see why he wouldn't say anything. But if he does see his daughter occasionally or talk to O.N.S. girl then yeah, it's a big thing!

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

Oh definitely - he needs to tell her, out of respect for you and your relationship and your soon-to-be expanding family. Why not just take her to court for visitation rights instead of hiding a whole life from her?

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Yes, he needs to tell. I agree with Jenn - if there truly is a problem where she wouldn't let him see his daughter because he's married to someone else and expecting a child (which makes NO sense unless she is still hung up on him) then he needs to go to court and get his rights legally established. Keeping you a secret is only going to bite him in the butt. It's disrespectful to you, and if he is looking to avoid drama, this is the exact wrong way to go about it because he's MAKING it a big dramatic deal by making it a secret. Finding out about a secret wife and child is like guaranteed to set her off, just because why the heck was he keeping it a secret??? KWIM?

James87's picture
Joined: 05/07/11
Posts: 232

I feel like my dh is an idiot sometimes. He always asks to see his daughter and will call to make sure everything is ok; so there is communication. This lady is an illegel immigrant and used to work for him and she cheated on her husband of 13 years with my dh and its just a huge mess I like to stay out of cause now my husband thinks he knows everything about hispanics and everything about pregnancy. But anyways ( that was off topic sorry lol) when i tell him it would be really simple for him to get joing custoday he says ya but she will run away to mexico. Right now any mother would not take their children to mexico so they could get killed. He is so ignorant and believes anything he hears. He was paying for her self phone for the longest time and I had to end that as soon as I found out ( we are having major issues right now) It all seems really really sketchy to me. This woman doesnt work, lives with 2 men but before that she lived with 5 construction workers in a 1 bedroom with the daughter. I feel like my life is full of drama; even though I refuse to involve myself in it; its turning me into a very bitter woman. Im going through a major depression lately and dh will get mad and tell me that he needs to just worry about his daughter and im getting in the way of that and I feel like he is just brushing the pregnancy off like it doesnt count as his kid. There are all these things that are happening in our relationship that are just breaking me down and Ive thought about leaving multiple times. I feel like Im some big secret and im too good of a woman to be feeling this way. I told him Im getting my own bank account and that turned into a big arguement but at this point I need to make sure that me and my child are going to be ok. This turned into a complete rant so im sorry about that. I feel like everytime I post its just me complaining so I apologize if it's annoying.

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

Rant away - we are always here to listen. How old is his daughter? Have you ever seen her?

lesleynka's picture
Joined: 04/26/11
Posts: 1845

You have EVERY right to be furious!!

Like Alissa, I am angry at him as well! I would feel so betrayed, disrespected & hidden away if I were in your position.

James87's picture
Joined: 05/07/11
Posts: 232

his daughter is two. i saw her once when baby mama showed up and didnt know about me and she ran into the house throwing **** and acting crazy. dh then proceeded to say shes crazy she doesnt even know who u are. for all she knows u could have been my cousin..... I think hes a flippin idiot. Im starting to really dislike him

clio's picture
Joined: 11/05/07
Posts: 590

Hey!

I don't mean to pry, but are you seeing anyone to help you through the depression? I'm bipolar as well, and also on lowered meds because of the pregnancy, and I know how tough it can get. It seems like this is a lot of crazy stuff to handle on your own; do you have a professional to talk to? Maybe they have some good advice as to how to get through to your husband.

Not that you aren't welcome to discuss it here--this is what we're here for! But it would be good to have some extra backup...

James87's picture
Joined: 05/07/11
Posts: 232

Ya I see someone every two weeks. Im also bi-polar and They had to take me off my effexor and my xanax but I am still on my lamictal. Dh doesnt understand anything Im going through. Ahh I dunno.

brawlberry's picture
Joined: 02/02/11
Posts: 173

"James87" wrote:

his daughter is two. i saw her once when baby mama showed up and didnt know about me and she ran into the house throwing **** and acting crazy. dh then proceeded to say shes crazy she doesnt even know who u are. for all she knows u could have been my cousin..... I think hes a flippin idiot. Im starting to really dislike him

Maybe it's just me, but DH doesn't really seem to be earning the "D," is he?

Honestly, if he took her to court for custody, he'd probably get it and crazy baby-mama would get visitation. Your hubs could provide for the child so much better than she can. But with her being an illegal immigrant, that would open up a whole can of worms that I don't think any of us on this board have any advice about. If he's legit about getting custody or visitation of that little girl, he needs to lawyer up.

As for him and you, from what you've said it sounds like his behavior is seriously starting to impact your well-being and mental health. IMHO you need to take a step back and think good and hard about keeping him around, especially since you've got this baby to worry about.

And I don't know why the hell he would want to hide his wife and child from his one night stand unless he still had feelings for her. In that case - DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. This may not be what you want to hear right now, but some serious thinking needs to be done on your part as to whether or not a) this relationship can be salvaged, and b) whether or not it's worth it to you to even try. This is a big fat mess, and I'm sorry you're stuck in it. Sad

Much love :hugs:

clio's picture
Joined: 11/05/07
Posts: 590

"James87" wrote:

Ya I see someone every two weeks. Im also bi-polar and They had to take me off my effexor and my xanax but I am still on my lamictal. Dh doesnt understand anything Im going through. Ahh I dunno.

I know--it's a pretty lonely road at times. But I'm glad you have someone to talk to. As for DH, it sounds like he's pretty pig-headed and not open to listening. Can you take him with you to your next app't? Bi-polar pregnancy is a very serious matter, and you should be submitted to as little stress as possible. He needs to get this into his head, and perhaps your doctor can be the one to tell him.

When I was first diagnosed at around your age, my entire family met individually with the psychiatrist so they would have a better understanding of what my needs were and how the illness worked. It really helped to have a figure of authority tell them. It greatly reduced the sense that I was screaming into the wind.

cayxcee1's picture
Joined: 11/22/10
Posts: 70

*stalker*
I know this isnt something that you want to hear but i would honestly consider leaving and staying with a friend/family for a few weeks maybe even a month or 2 to think things over and then tell him he either tells her about you and the baby on the way or you will be done... i was in a similar situation once but it wasnt with a baby momma it was with his family... we were 17 and 20 and got married due to being prego well we left town and lived in a house my grandparents owned so we could make it on our own and his family would call all the time and were worried about him and where he was and i tried to get him to tell them about me and the baby and he wouldnt do it... when i went into labor he called his mom and said "mom you might want to come to the hospital your daughter-in-law is in labor having your grandson" she proceeded to freak out and came into my hospital room in the middle of labor and i swear if there wouldnt have been a nurse in there with me she would have killed me... it was horrible... and his mom proceeded to make my life a living hell and it hurt mine and his relationship to the point that all he did was get drunk and control me and hurt me until one night he tried to kill me and i called the cops and CPS took my kids because of him and pretty much because of the choice he made to hide me from his family.... I have had a really really bad past when it comes to my kids.... a little info on me and my kids.... I have a little boy who will be 5 in december and a lil boy who just turned 3 a few days ago.... they are both adopted because of the night i just told you about and that i made a few bad choices that i didnt know were bad at the time i was trying to do everything i could do to get my kids back and i ended up with a evil caseworker who lost her job because of my case because she was telling me to do things and i would do them and it turned out that i shouldnt have been doing them... but anyways i hate to see women get treated this way because in the long run you have no idea how it will effect your future of your childs future... but i would honestly move out for a little while and tell him what you expect and if he dosent do it file for divorce... and for his daughter it sounds like if he takes the mom to court the judge would give the little girl to your DH.... Just take sometime to really think about all of your options

xMyLovelyLadyBumpx's picture
Joined: 02/17/11
Posts: 1198

*lurker/stalker*

It sounds like your "d"H has some serious issues going on here. There is no reason at all for you to be kept a secret, that's just rude and very 'iffy'. I dont understand his thought process here.

I was in a similar position when I was pg with my 1st daughter. DF wouldnt tell his BFF [a woman he was once in love with] or his family. It almost ruined us. I left because I refused to let myself and my daughter be belitted as being secrets. It took him about 4 months to realize I wasnt coming back and that this was his fault and HE needed to do the changing not me. We are now happy.

If I was you, I would leave, it doesnt have to be forever but you both need some time to think. You have a sweet little bundle coming and that should be number one for you both for your dh it doesnt seem as if he cares either way.

GL to you either way

Joined: 04/27/09
Posts: 251

"brawlberry" wrote:

And I don't know why the hell he would want to hide his wife and child from his one night stand unless he still had feelings for her. In that case - DANGER, WILL ROBINSON.

i'm coming in a bit late on this post here, but i have to agree with what erin said (above)...your hubby has no real reason to hide your pregnancy from this woman, and the fact that he is doing just that seems like a red flag to me. it also sounds suspicious to me that he hasn't taken any kind of real legal action to sort out his visitation rights, or to get some kind of protection against this woman.

i'm sorry to hear that you are stuck in this crazy drama. :bigarmhug: having to deal with your significant other's crazy ex drama and being pg at the same time is super stressful.

it sounds to me like you have good instincts...trust them, and protect yourself and your baby.