Horrific reality thats finally set in and hit hard (warning)

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Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239
Horrific reality thats finally set in and hit hard (warning)

so at 9:30 i was jolted from a terrible dream i was having, wherein i was crying and desperate for my mother to say she loved me (and mean it for once in her life) and she was refusing. In this dream, however, my two siblings (the baby sister and my brother who she hadnt even wanted to keep after 8 years old) she was praising and showing with affection and constantly telling them of her love for them.

now for those who arent aware (im sure none of you are as this is an EXTREMELY hard topic for me to think about, let alone talk about) my mother abused me my entire childhood. it started even before i'd left her womb. She would drink and punch herself in the stomach, simply to invoke a miscarriage. As a three month old baby i would be left on tall beds in home all unattended for hours upon hours and my mother would even hit me when i cried for anything. Growing up, even before i was molested and raped as a 4 year old child, she would ignore me and give no attention to me unless she had to. after Being raped and molested by her 3rd husband she divorced him. but i would almost never hear the words "i love you" or see it in her eyes after that. It was almost as if she blamed Me for being raped by her husband. (my typing might be bad right now im again in tears just thinking about my childhood) As i got older and my little sister was born when i was 5, things got a little less violent for a while. Into my Tween (between 9 and 12) years she would constantly call me terrible things and then tell me i was too needy, or she even went as far as to tell me i wasnt even raped that i had dreamed it all up. she continued hitting me after i reached age 9, she would do it when drunk (or when sober). My grades in school (even with "A"s) were never enough. The thing that hurt me probably the most is that my mother Never loved me, not even from the start. but she loved my sister and brother always. all my aunts and uncles confirm that they could see the treatment differ as well. I saw counselors and shrinks my entire life after being raped, but every time i was actually starting to get help and my shrink would tell my mom that she needed help too, she would pull me out. When i was 16 her newest husband threw me onto the ground and tried to hurt me even more and she didnt do anything but watch, when i went to cps my mother told me if i do this i'd have no-place to go, i wouldnt have any family who would take me. and she would make sure of it. about 3 weeks later her husband called me a (excuse the language) "****" and her and him got into a fight and later that night she ripped me out of bed screaming that if i ruined this marriage i'd be out on my butt with no home.

Long story short she abused me my entire life and never once did i ever know love. i looked into the eyes of a woman for 18 years knowing she hated my very existence. back to my original reason for the thread..........i woke up from my dream hysterically crying because it finally hit me.... my mother NEVER really loved me. and as sad as that is all i could think was "i was never good enough". and when i calmed down enough to think i was just thinking, how could someone not love there own baby. It was a miracle she even ever had kids! she was told at 19 that she couldnt have them then married at 21 she got pregnant. (i want yall to know that my mother kept my daddy from me. he wanted badly to be in my life and is now but she was a terrible person and she didnt want me to have the oppurtunity to leave her.) All that aside.......When each of us found out we were having babies it was almost (if not) instant love for our LO. i just dont understand how anyone could have this miracle growing inside them, moving and kicking, and not love it every single day all day.

anyways im sorry but my husband wasnt home to help me and i needed to get that out and off my chest. but rant/sob story over!

triceld's picture
Joined: 10/28/06
Posts: 58

I'm so sorry you went throught that and my prayers are with you as you deal with it throughout life and with the experience of being a new mom.

Joined: 04/30/09
Posts: 2257

((HUGS)) I don't have words to express how sorry I am for what you have gone through. I'm sure you've heard this before, but you have to know that the way she treated you was NOT your fault and in no way is a refection of who you are. I'm glad you vented your fears/realizations about your past and didn't keep things bottled up as that will only make it harder.

I know the site and some of the leaders have some experience in dealing with some of these topics if you ever need the extra support. I have some things from my past that resurfaced after having DD and I've sought counseling for it just to vent and get things off my chest, it helps. Whatever you find helps you cope, know that we're thinking of you!

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

thank you so much mia and tia... lol your names rhyme. anyways. thank you it has been hard, mostly because i know ive changed soooooo much and all for the better since i left a year ago. and i know that all my hard work trying to recover and move on will pay off when my son comes home because ill be a better mom for having gone through all of that. thank you for the support.

Joined: 04/21/08
Posts: 1063

Sorry you have been through all that. Seems like you are rising above it against all odds. Hope you will find peace now that you are becoming a mother and can "right" some of the wrongs that she did to you. Hope hubby can provide some support also.


lby_mommyof3's picture
Joined: 11/12/07
Posts: 644

:bigarmhug:Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No child--no person, deserves to be treated that way. I think you are amazing for trying to rise above what you grew up with. I hope you can truly see the potential in yourself and continue to work toward it. Everyone deserves to love and be loved. I'm glad you have a connection with your baby--babies are truly a blessing! I hope you can find the peace you seek!

patricia2383's picture
Joined: 04/17/08
Posts: 458

Wow I am so sorry you had to go through all that as a child no one should. Like everyone said it isn't you fault. I went through a similar situation when I was 11 I was raped by my sisters husband and she blamed me. For the longest time I let what her husband did and what she did affect me but then I decided if I let what they did affect how I feel then they are winning and hurting me. I will not let them win I will love my life and my family and move on NO longer will they hurt me.

Joined: 04/30/09
Posts: 2257

You're quite welcome! I've been through some of the things you've mentioned and it amazed me how it came up again in my life as an adult. For being only a year away from that situation, it sounds like you're doing amazing.

When really difficult things like that from my past come to resurface I have to remind myself that it's okay to have the feelings I have and that I just have to acknowledge them, find a way to make peace with it and know that the rest of my life will be wonderfully different. Hope that helps!

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

:bigarmhug: Wow! I'm so sorry you have had to go through all of that. Know that we're here for you whenever you need us. It sounds like you're in a much better place now, and Aidric is very lucky to have you for a mommy!

Joined: 02/24/11
Posts: 1651

:bigarmhug: ! Your mother disgust me to the fullest extent ! You just make sure tou take care of your peanut and treat them the way you wanted to be treated so that history will never repeat itself!

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

you ladies are so supportive! thank you so much girls for being here for me. and dont anyone worry im gunna be the best mom i can be, my mother isnt even going to be allowed near our son........my hubby and i decided that.

WhiteWolf68's picture
Joined: 02/06/09
Posts: 505

** Lurker from Oct board ** I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I couldn't help read your post because I grew up in an abusive household too.

/big hugs

AmberC727's picture
Joined: 06/05/06
Posts: 226

I am so sorry you had to go through all that. My husband went through a similar situation with his parents growing up. He was abused from the time he was a very small child and his parents treated him with nothing but hate and disdain. He has two younger siblings, but like your siblings, they were also loved and treated much differently. Because there is such a huge age difference between them, they don't know what my husband's life was like and whenever he has tried to tell them why he isn't close to their family, they've basically told him he's lying. Most recently, my MIL started a bunch of crap with me and my DH and she cussed both of us out, sent me an email calling him a p***y and telling me we can all (kids too I guess) go choke on our own s**t. Umm...what a bunch of garbage. I too don't understand how a woman can carry a child and then hate it so much. Why are these people mothers? I'm grateful that yours had you and that my DH's had him, but it's a shame that you've had to go through what you went through, and my DH too. Sad Cutting all ties is the only thing you can do, and determine in yourself to be a wonderful mother to your children. One thing I will tell you my DH learned years ago (he's a tad older than me so he's had a while to deal with this)...you have to somehow find it in yourself to forgive your mother and not carry bitterness or hatred toward her so that you don't end up repeating the very behaviors that you hate. It doesn't seem like anyone would do that, but hatred and unforgiveness can seriously cause that. My husband's dad did that very thing, and ended up becoming the man that he hated in his own dad. And by the way, forgiveness doesn't equal forgetting. You can forgive her and never speak to the woman again!

Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

Oh man. When parents abuse their kids and when they let their significant other abuse their kids it really really makes me mad! Kids are your KIDS. Period. I know there will always be hurt there...but I think that you've done a good job of moving past that. It shows a lot about you and your character that you are in love with your LO even before birth - having gone through all that with your mother.

Good luck! You're gonna do great!

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

Again i cant thank you ladies enough for all of these kind words! Amberc727 thank you for sharing that with me. My DH and i haveboth decided that my mom is poison and she will never be allowed near our family or kids until she gets REAL LIFE-CHANGING psychological help. I'm a mom now and i have to protect my son and my family from the kind of person my mother is.