so at 9:30 i was jolted from a terrible dream i was having, wherein i was crying and desperate for my mother to say she loved me (and mean it for once in her life) and she was refusing. In this dream, however, my two siblings (the baby sister and my brother who she hadnt even wanted to keep after 8 years old) she was praising and showing with affection and constantly telling them of her love for them.
now for those who arent aware (im sure none of you are as this is an EXTREMELY hard topic for me to think about, let alone talk about) my mother abused me my entire childhood. it started even before i'd left her womb. She would drink and punch herself in the stomach, simply to invoke a miscarriage. As a three month old baby i would be left on tall beds in home all unattended for hours upon hours and my mother would even hit me when i cried for anything. Growing up, even before i was molested and raped as a 4 year old child, she would ignore me and give no attention to me unless she had to. after Being raped and molested by her 3rd husband she divorced him. but i would almost never hear the words "i love you" or see it in her eyes after that. It was almost as if she blamed Me for being raped by her husband. (my typing might be bad right now im again in tears just thinking about my childhood) As i got older and my little sister was born when i was 5, things got a little less violent for a while. Into my Tween (between 9 and 12) years she would constantly call me terrible things and then tell me i was too needy, or she even went as far as to tell me i wasnt even raped that i had dreamed it all up. she continued hitting me after i reached age 9, she would do it when drunk (or when sober). My grades in school (even with "A"s) were never enough. The thing that hurt me probably the most is that my mother Never loved me, not even from the start. but she loved my sister and brother always. all my aunts and uncles confirm that they could see the treatment differ as well. I saw counselors and shrinks my entire life after being raped, but every time i was actually starting to get help and my shrink would tell my mom that she needed help too, she would pull me out. When i was 16 her newest husband threw me onto the ground and tried to hurt me even more and she didnt do anything but watch, when i went to cps my mother told me if i do this i'd have no-place to go, i wouldnt have any family who would take me. and she would make sure of it. about 3 weeks later her husband called me a (excuse the language) "****" and her and him got into a fight and later that night she ripped me out of bed screaming that if i ruined this marriage i'd be out on my butt with no home.
Long story short she abused me my entire life and never once did i ever know love. i looked into the eyes of a woman for 18 years knowing she hated my very existence. back to my original reason for the thread..........i woke up from my dream hysterically crying because it finally hit me.... my mother NEVER really loved me. and as sad as that is all i could think was "i was never good enough". and when i calmed down enough to think i was just thinking, how could someone not love there own baby. It was a miracle she even ever had kids! she was told at 19 that she couldnt have them then married at 21 she got pregnant. (i want yall to know that my mother kept my daddy from me. he wanted badly to be in my life and is now but she was a terrible person and she didnt want me to have the oppurtunity to leave her.) All that aside.......When each of us found out we were having babies it was almost (if not) instant love for our LO. i just dont understand how anyone could have this miracle growing inside them, moving and kicking, and not love it every single day all day.
anyways im sorry but my husband wasnt home to help me and i needed to get that out and off my chest. but rant/sob story over!