Hurt feelings x2 today :(

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Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271
Hurt feelings x2 today :(

I knew certain people would think these things, but to say it to me at work really bothered me Sad I had someone come up to me today and tell me I was insane for having a 4th child. I'm trying my best to just let it roll off my shoulders, but I don't understand why people can't just keep these negative comments to themselves. It's none of their business.

Hubby hurt my feelings too. I figured if he's making me find out the gender, I thought it would be fun to do a gender reveal party. A few of you mentioned it a while back when I was trying to decide whether to find out or not. I asked if he would want to do something like that because I found some super cute ideas, and he said, "No one will come or care...it's our 4th kid." I want to celebrate this LO's arrival just as I did with the other little monkeys and I thought this would be fun but evidentally I'm on my own if I decide to do it. Okay enough of my pity party. Today was just one of those days...

pico83's picture
Joined: 09/06/06
Posts: 3014

:lurk:
You DH said that? I mean, it might kind of be true, but still... maybe you could do something with just family or a few close friends? Or maybe you could make it special without really sharing. I'm hoping with #4 to have the tech write down the info and put it in an envelope with a picture from the u/s so DH and I can open it together after the kids are asleep. I kind of want a surprise, but DH is dead set against it.
And I'm not looking forward to the "what, another? Are you nuts?" comments either.

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

Virgina, I really wanted to keep it a surprise, but DH i adament that we find out. I'm pretty sure that it's a girl, so I think he needs time to adjust to the fact. If it's a boy, I'll be pleasantly surprised Smile

With Lauryn and Cameron we had baby sprinkles. Since they weren't the first LOs I didn't want a full-fledged baby shower, but something special to commerate their upcoming arrival. We went out to eat a a resturant with a few close friends and celebrated that way. I thought of something like that again, but then thought this might be more fun. I'm not sure yet what we'll do. And I contemplated not having the tech tell me either but writing it down and then going to the store and picking out 2 outfits and having the cashier put one in a giftbag while I'm not looking. We'll see how I feel on Thursday. To spite hubby I might just say she couldn't figure it out and let him guess for another 8 weeks until my 4D scan...Haha Lol

Joined: 04/30/09
Posts: 2257

((HUGS))

People are so rude it kills me. I can't stand when someone else tries to decide what the right size of your family is. I'm sorry you've already had to deal with that.

I'd be pretty hurt if DH said that to me too, although a lot of times they really don't think about what they're saying or how hurtful it is. I think the gender reveal thing sounds so fun! I have friends that have had the tech put the info in an envelope and then had a cake made with pink or blue frosting to "reveal" it so that could work if you did another dinner party.

I am sorry you're not getting your surprise (unless baby sides with you ;)) but I'm sure once DH (and others) know the sex, they'll be more positive.

Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

:lurk: Please don't let that negativity bring you down. The people making the comments *may* not mean anything by it, however I think that you can have 4, 8, 24...whatever, as long as it makes you happy and you have enough love to go around (which I'm sure you do!). As for DH.. my DH can say some hurtful things sometimes without realizing it. When I bring it up to him, days later, he often apologizes and swears he didn't mean it to hurt me. I'm sure your friends and family are supportive enough to throw a fun gender-reveal party. I would definitely tell DH he hurt your feelings though. Good luck.

lby_mommyof3's picture
Joined: 11/12/07
Posts: 644

:bigarmhug:Oh Holly! I'm so sorry people don't know when to keep their mouths shut sometimes! I know what you are going through in that aspect...6 kids is a lot...and I've gotten my share of remarks from other people, and as hard as I try to not let it bother me, it still does. Hang in there! You just need to be happy with your decision and go from there--no matter how hard.

As for DH, I agree with Jessica, that maybe your DH didn't know he hurt your feelings...maybe he doesn't realize how important it is to you. And I think it would be SO much fun to have a gender reveal party--even if it is just with close family or friends or whomever you decide to invite.

Good luck! Hang in there, friend!

Joined: 04/21/08
Posts: 1063

Holly -

Don't listen to people who say stuff like that. I can't believe someone had the nerve to say that. That is beyond rude, really more like bullying. The only response I can think of is "Next time hubby and I will consult you with regards to our reproductive choices."

I think your friends will care what the gender is. Besides, it is fun to throw a party- and I think that is perfect as you are not asking for gifts.. just company. I play devil's advocate all the time at home (and everywhere else) so I might be guilty of saying something like that - but it is just how I work stuff out in my mind.

We are not having a gender reveal party because I cannot keep from spilling the beans. I guess we are going to have a "It's Fall" party or something like that.

Tiffany

Joined: 04/21/08
Posts: 1063

P.S. you know what is funny; it is the same people who tell people who only have one child - don't you want to have another; don't you want to provide a sibling for _______. The nerve!

patricia2383's picture
Joined: 04/17/08
Posts: 458

I cannot believe what people will say. Really a fourth kid not a big deal in our family my sister is on her 7th and already has a grandbaby so really not that big of a deal. But I know what you mean people really don’t know how to keep their mouths shut and know what they say hurts. I have had a ton of people ask if I was having twins or more. REALLY!!!!!!

As for DH I am sorry I really wanted a surprise but DH didn’t I think the party would be fun and a fun compromise for the two of you? I think men are just not as sensitive when it comes to this stuff and don’t really realize that the 4, 7, 10th kid is just as a blessing as the first.

Kier's picture
Joined: 03/12/12
Posts: 1973

:lurk:
I am in the same boat. After DD was born I had all sorts of people tell me how we should be done, even DD's pt (she had torticolis). She felt that the hour or so a week that she saw me and my kids a week made it her buisness to tell me that I shouldnt have any more, and a bunch of other baloni. I ended up complaining to her superior. I think People see a pregnant lady, or a "bigger" family and all tact goes out the window. I keep getting "now are you done?" I tell them well, we were done after #2, and then after #3, so I guess we will see. I saw someone's blinkie that I so want to get to put up in my sig. It says something about her having five kids, yes they know what causes it, they like it, and are good at it lol.

As far as DH goes, I would tell him how that made you feel. I only got one baby shower (well, 2, one for each side of the family) when I was pregnant with DS1. When we found out that we were having a girl our 3rd time, a friend of mine said that she wanted to throw me a sprinkle, and never did. My MIL even told me that they only do 1. For our gender announcement I made up an amazon baby registry with boy stuff on it... not that I expect people to buy off of it, but as a "heres what is gender specific for this baby"... everyone seemed to think it was cute... except my SIL. She emailed me *****ing about how rude it was to do it that way, and that people who are having a 4th dont make registries. I just told her that I was sorry, that I thought it was a cute way to tell people. And, what was the big deal? It had stuff I liked on it, and with xmas being soon after I am due, and people liking to bring gifts to the hospital, now they knew the kind of things I liked. Opinions are like a...holes... as they say.... and you cant please everyone.

I am just to the point that people can shove it. They dont like what we do when it comes to our family, thats on them. I am just going to live my life the best way I can, and not worry about other people.

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

Thanks for the support ladies. The woman at work at the gall to sit by me at lunch and say it again....I just looked at her and said, "You know what, we're thrilled and that's all the matters. Those that don't agree, we'll it's none of their business." You'd think she got the clue, but then she continued on with whether or not I was going to pick up a second job. WTH?!? I already have a second job, but it isn't one I need. I work one day a week to get out of the house and earn a few extra dollars to put towards house stuff that we want to do. I could have just smacked her in the face Aggressive

My mom got her annoucement yesterday, and she reacted the way I thought she would. I got a text saying, "Well, if you're happy, then I am happy, but I worry about what the stress of pregnancy and another c/s will do to your body." I just wrote her back and said we're happy and that so far this has been a very laidback pregnancy. Hopefully she'll come around.

Joined: 04/21/08
Posts: 1063

Wow. That is all. Anyway, hope you feel all the love and support coming from here.

Tiffany

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

I definately do. Thank you so much ladies!

Joined: 04/30/09
Posts: 2257

I'm glad you're feeling the love and support from us! Your co-worker sounds like she needs to learn some listening skills/manners. It's hard when your own family isn't more enthusiastic or when they do what you expect and it's not what you'd want. I'm sure your mom was just being blunt about her own concerns for you as her child, but hopefully she'll reconsider when to bring things up in the future. At least you can tell her that if your OB isn't worried, you're not worrying about it.

As hard as it is to ignore all the negative comments, at least you know that what is happening in your life is nothing short of wonderful.

Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473

Some people are just....rude. Probably super opinionated about everything, and their way is right for everyone. But, I understand how it can affect you. It's hard to feel like you have to defend yourself for something that is just a personal choice. It's one of the reasons I don't want to really share openly about having IVF for baby #3. It seems like so many people think you should be done with two, and if you have a girl and boy you should really be done! Probably works great for a lot of people, and there is nothing wrong with that, but it's not right for everyone.

Sounds like your mom is sort of worried for you, but I'm sure that she'll just melt when she meets the new little one!

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3229

*lurking* Hope you won't mind my weighing in. We have a (very) large family... and this is a battle that I have had for years. I have had notes left on my van, been confronted in stores, and -- the worse -- have had people say something not simply in front of my children (distasteful and that I correct) but TO my children (UNACCEPTABLE :censored: ) It is one of the reasons I love the Large family board here as it helps to connect with others. All of you here on this thread are AWESOME!

Years ago, while in a store (and I didn't have them all!) -- someone came up to me while pregnant in front of the kids and told me (and them) that she felt sorry for them. We couldn't possibly love them all. One of my older sons did not miss a beat and shared "In our house, love is multiplied... never divided!" Think of a lit candle shared? Kwim? The light only grows stronger.

My experience with dh -- at times, he definitely has foot in mouth disease. LOL I'll point it out later and share how it makes me feel and definitely I KNOW he loves ALL the kids and doesn't mean to be hurtful. He apologizes... and learns... until the next time. Blum 3

My mom and dad though....... definitely sound similar. I can share from my own experience is that I had to keep something important in mind. To them -- I am still *their* baby. They just worry for me, my health, and well-being. I tend to delay sharing pregnancy news until absolutely forced to as I HATE the lectures. They adore all of our kids and are a huge support for me -- after birth. LOL

For your coworker, and those like her, I have some of the following "comebacks":

  • We aren't asking for you to pay for them. Don't worry!
  • This is MY "choice" Smile
  • No, I don't need to be *fixed*. It all works just fine!
  • Yes, we know what 'causes pregnancy! We are perfecting techniques. Smile
  • We have our priorities... and you have yours. It's all good!

Gosh -- I could go on and on! Blum 3 I'm going to have to grumble about this some more on our "wall" to seek some more feedback!

I seriously do not mind whatever each family determines as best for THEM... but strongly disagree with those that try to make that decision for you.

For the gender reveal, do what makes YOU happy! If you are concerned that some may not "get it" or be happy for you... skip them! Maybe pick a few supportive gal pals and go out to lunch together. I love the idea of having a cashier put one in a gift bag for you (just make sure that the prices are EXACTLY the same or you'll guess ahead of time. LOL) Let your friends know that you want to discover the surprise with them.... and then wait until dessert before opening it up to build anticipation!

HA -- and now *I* want to know. Have your tech email me!! ROFL

((((((HUGS))))))) Wishing you all the best!

~Missy (missyj@pregnancy.org)

Jules's picture
Joined: 10/03/01
Posts: 797

As a mom of six...I've so been there. For your list of "come-backs:"

• It finally gets down to BUTT OUT! This is my husband and my decision. I understand that you do not agree and might find it environmentally unsound or irresponsible. To work effeciently together, we are going to have to agree to disagree on this issue.

My worst experience was in a Safeway store. A little background -- our family has always been a bit crunchy, definite advocates of the re-use, recycle (usually for another child lol) and reduce. We lived on a few acres, raised chickens, grew our own meat and milk, had a large garden, tried to barter and buy local. Sooooo, this woman, with a loaded cart, walked up to me. I had four kids along and a baby in a sling. She proceeds to tell me that all the children are harming the environment, it's irresponsible to have that many kids and how sorry she feels for them.

Like in Missy's example, a child came through. I admit that her reply may have bordered on rude. "Our family takes care of the earth. I can tell by your clothes and the stuff in your cart that you don't make very wise choices."

Others can think what they will. There are times that I'd rather they keep it to themselves. Smile

Your dh is thinking like a guy. Most of the other gender -- speaking of gender reveal -- are more than willing to enjoy anything baby especially if it means that you can get together for snacks and kibitz.

As for moms, they do that. Mine did and she absolutely loved each child and couldn't imagine our family without a single one. However, I was her baby and she worried about me, my health, my time...it's part of a mommy's job. Now that I have grown up kids, I find myself biting my tongue every now and then (okay, more often than I would like to admit lol).

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

My mom told me I was stupid for having a baby and being married at my age. I completely understand about not getting support like you want.

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

Gosh...you guys are wonderful!! Thank you for being so supportive. I appreciate more than you know!

My grandma called today. I love that woman!! She told me that she was happy for me and that I shouldn't let anyone else bother me. This is a time of happiness for Todd and me and that if people don't like it...it's none of their business. I couldn't agree with her more, but it's easier said than done. That's for sure. Thanks again ladies! You all are wonderful :grouphug:

VixB's picture
Joined: 05/07/08
Posts: 1435

"neoncandle" wrote:

The only response I can think of is "Next time hubby and I will consult you with regards to our reproductive choices."

Exactly!!!!

Sorry you had a bad day and hope DH will be more enthusiastic about the party!

VixB's picture
Joined: 05/07/08
Posts: 1435

"neoncandle" wrote:

P.S. you know what is funny; it is the same people who tell people who only have one child - don't you want to have another; don't you want to provide a sibling for _______. The nerve!

Oh I got that one a lot!!!