Husband help.

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Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239
Husband help.

so im feeling much more emotional than normal about some things. I know my DH loves mebut he never comes home with flowers or does romantic things to show me. and sometimes even after cleaning the entire apartment i make him a romantic dinner and run around like a chicken with no head to prepare something special. Normally the fact that he doesnt do anything special to show he appreciates me doesnt bother me at all. but since my dad and his wife are divorcing i seem more sensitive about us. But this morning i just felt soooooo unappreciated and i snapped on the phone. he only complains about money for the wedding and moneyand more money. we of course are tight until we get married because then we will start recieving bah. but i feel like latelyall he does is mope about money issues and complain and whine. i love my DH with all my being but im tired of the complaining and im tired of him comming home and not even noticing the fully cleaned house or the fresh bathed dogs or the clean clothing. i would just like for him to more oftentell me he appreciates me and more often notice the clean stuff and compliment. am i being rediculous? ladies help me? i know today i was super emotional (i started crying while yelling at him) so that was wierd but i do feel this way in earnest. can someone lend me some help?

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

I have found the way to be noticed what you do is to notice what the other person does, even if it is their job.

"Thanks for taking out the trash"
"Thanks for letting the dogs out"
"Thanks for clearing the table/starting the dishwasher/etc"

You get the picture.

Eventually it will become a model for him and hopefully he'll start doing the same thing, thanking you for work even though it's seen as "your job".

Also, marriage and babies are stressful for everyone, but I think men especially. It's a big committment.

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

thanks. yes this is stressful and i could see where me being the model might help. i dont know why but im super emotional today.

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

You're making a big committment too! Of course you will be emotional sometimes!

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

hahaha yeah, but i'm hoping my emotionalnessmeans im pregnant.that would make us both super happy and wuld probly stop some of the fighting.

Joined: 04/30/09
Posts: 2257

It's totally understandable that you'd be emotional these days! Weddings and babies/ttcing is really stressful and I think a lot of guys aren't good at vocalizing their appreciations. I agree that modeling the behavior you want is a great way to set an example for him.

Also, have you had any time to just relax and go on a date lately or are you just going through the motions of everyday life doing what you have to do until the wedding comes? Even a lunch together to unwind and just enjoy each other's company can do wonders.

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

Most men hate to "talk about things" when they are feeling stressed. I agree that a date or something else fun would be good for you and maybe break the tension and you will end up talking about it.

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

we havent been able to go out or anything lately. we need a date.

DancingNancy's picture
Joined: 08/30/11
Posts: 520

"Mrs. Furtado" wrote:

we havent been able to go out or anything lately. we need a date.

I completely agree that a date night is in order. Maybe even a night where you both commit to not talking about the wedding. We you focus on why you are getting married in the first place Wink It doesn't even have to cost that much either. Have a picnic at a local park or even on your living room floor. Do something that is out of the ordinary for both of you. I'm not trying to step on toes here but have you told DH how you feel? We have been together almost 11.5 years and it's only been in the last few years that I have been able to talk to DH in a calm but assertive way what I want and need from him. I need praise and encouragement and that's not very important for DH so he doesn't think to do it. Find out what his "language" is and then tell him yours. Good luck!!

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

thanks so much! we had a pancake dinner by candlelight when he got home. while i had 40s musicon. it was so romantic.i told him how i feel and he said he will try to think more about that nexttime. it was wonderful and now im super happy. haha we even had a tickle fight after dinner.

FourMaybeMore's picture
Joined: 03/09/12
Posts: 724

Not every couple is cookie cutter cliche.... I know in my house, my whole family's vibe and mood revolves around me. They are almost never in a bad mood when I am in a good one and it seems like I'm the only one that "carries the weight" of cheering up the other person between my husband and I. He just doesn't think about it the same and doesn't know what to do. It's not an excuse but it's who he is. Things can change a little bit but for me it has taken a long time. That said, my husband made a huge delicious dinner last night while I was finishing up work...and that's his way of trying. Even if it's not my ideal (sweet nothings, surprises, gifts, date night are pretty much stuff we never get to do), you have to look for their love language I guess.

mrs.doolittle's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 1335

"DancingNancy" wrote:

... it's only been in the last few years that I have been able to talk to DH in a calm but assertive way what I want and need from him. I need praise and encouragement and that's not very important for DH so he doesn't think to do it. Find out what his "language" is and then tell him yours. Good luck!!

This! I tried "modeling" and still tell my DH at least once a day something specific that I appreciate ("Thanks for taking such good care of our son." (he's a SAHD) or "Thanks for cooking a meal that you knew I would like."). I really do appreciate the things he does and feel it's important to focus on the positive aspects because it's easy to see things that rub me the wrong way. I had to flat out tell my DH that I want him to tell me thanks for the things that I do. Like, "Thanks for washing those dishes this morning before you went to work so I didn't have to do it when I got up.") I need to hear more than "I love you." That's nice, but vague. I want details.

Glad to hear you had a nice dinner and talked!

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

"mrs.doolittle" wrote:

This! I tried "modeling" and still tell my DH at least once a day something specific that I appreciate ("Thanks for taking such good care of our son." (he's a SAHD) or "Thanks for cooking a meal that you knew I would like."). I really do appreciate the things he does and feel it's important to focus on the positive aspects because it's easy to see things that rub me the wrong way. I had to flat out tell my DH that I want him to tell me thanks for the things that I do. Like, "Thanks for washing those dishes this morning before you went to work so I didn't have to do it when I got up.") I need to hear more than "I love you." That's nice, but vague. I want details.

Glad to hear you had a nice dinner and talked!

yeah i am the same, i would like the detials. and he came home yesterday and tried to give me more haha. its was so sweet he walked around the apartment and said" wow hunny the apartment is sooooooooo clean! good job!" it felt good.

Joined: 04/30/09
Posts: 2257

That's great that you had a romantic evening to talk and enjoy each other's company. It's also great that he's picking up on acknowledging things more and being more detailed. It took a while for my DH to do that. I knew he appreciated things but not hearing it as much was hard. I could be having an awful day and a small compliment goes a long way.

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

yeah. i know what you mean. but i just found out helied to me about telling his mom we are getting married. i asked his mom if she was going to make it to be my maid of honor and she says " what? i didnt know about a wedding?" i can understand his apprehension but i dont like the lying.this is the first lie he has ever told me.i love him and i guess if this is the worst hes done i forgive and forget. its not really that bad........i just dont get why he wouldn't tell me the truth.

FourMaybeMore's picture
Joined: 03/09/12
Posts: 724

Hmmmm....so did you guys just get together January of this year (per your signature?)

I hate to be rude and trollish but that is very soon to be getting married and having children, especially with your apprehensions about things and now lying issues....

Lily2006's picture
Joined: 05/16/11
Posts: 896

"FourMaybeMore" wrote:

Hmmmm....so did you guys just get together January of this year (per your signature?)

I hate to be rude and trollish but that is very soon to be getting married and having children, especially with your apprehensions about things and now lying issues....

I agree, this is very true. Don't take this the wrong way at all but being together 3 months barely even gives you enough time to get to know one another...how can you be sure you want marriage with this man not to mention children? I know you say it is a small lie, but not telling his mom he is getting married is kind of a big deal. It could possible mean he knows he is not ready for commitment and doesn't want to hear it from other people (especially his mom)

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

i completely understand where you would feel that way. but we know way more about eachother than i thought was possible. and it was a misunderstanding. his mom must have forgotten. she cleared it up with me. we've been living together since we started dating. i know his birthday, favorite color, that hes more a fan of 40's music than newer music. i know that when he eats ramen he likes it very strong in flavor. he knows everything about my past and what i want for the future. hes stable and loving and smart and funny. and i know everything about him, i have met his entire family and they love me. and it feels like i have been with him for years and vise versa. so yes, i am very ready to marry him and start a family with him, and he is with me. we are so much in love and i cant even imagine living without him. he gets lonely when i have to spend the night at my dads for doctors appointments and he cant sleep. im so glad you guys are supportive enough to worry about my relationship, but we know deep down that this is right for us.

Lily2006's picture
Joined: 05/16/11
Posts: 896

Oh hun, I hope you didn't take offense....I didn't mean that in a hurtful way at all. Of course you two know what is best, I didn't doubt that Smile I was just giving you my point of view. I am so happy for you that you guys have everything figured out so early on, that's great!

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

thanks. i didnt mean to come off defensive. haha it is wonderful to know so early. it feels amazing to know i will be with this very same man for the rest of our lives!

merickson's picture
Joined: 06/21/11
Posts: 180

My husband is also a non-romantic.... we've been together 7 years this summer and sometimes it can be hard to hear what types of things other men do. But my best advice would be to learn what he does to be romantic and what I mean by that is they develop their own style, for me it's having him bring me my favorite ice cream on his way home from work, or kissing my cheek when I'm cooking dinner.. Try to see the tiniest things, because some men just don't get all fancy Smile Hope that kind of helps? GL at the wedding!

Joined: 03/30/12
Posts: 239

thanksladies. im starting to see it i think. and gl to you having that baby merickson!