I need some support, advice, need to vent...please help!
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Thread: I need some support, advice, need to vent...please help!

  1. #1
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    Default I need some support, advice, need to vent...please help!

    DH and I are not getting along right now. I don't really feel like calling him DH...that's how bad it is.

    He is from Africa and because of that we have some big cultural differences...one of which is our apparent difference of opinion when it comes to family affairs/issues. He seems to think there is absolutely nothing wrong with his brother coming to visit the week I am due. I am not ok with it.

    I don't normally have an issue with his brother coming to visit, although in the past it has caused arguments and things because of how his brother is and how long he would stay and be lazy and not do anything but sit around, not make an effort to get to know his nieces/nephews, expect us to wait on him, etc.

    Well, this time around he has already requested off of work from December 30th-January 7th. I am due January 10th and all my kids have been 5-8 days early. I told hubby that its not about WHO is coming, but about when and the bad timing. I told him that I would feel the same way if it was one of my family members or friends. I would tell them that it is not ok and we can't have company during this time. I asked hubby how he would feel if he had a surgery or something big happen and then come home to heal and deal with changes, pain, etc...would he want one of my siblings visiting during that time or one of my friends?

    I don't want my husband to have to split his precious little time off with hosting his brother and being there for me, spending time with me and our kids and our new baby. I don't want to have to be engorged and uncomfortable and tired and bleeding with a house guest that I don't really know that well. I don't want to feel obligated to have to cook fresh meals just cause he is here. I don't want to have to feel like I have to hide in my room because my engorged breasts are so big and swollen that I can't put on a bra and can't even walk around my own house because another man is here.

    My husband says "I will handle the house and meals." But I know he won't be able to do that, host his brother, help me, help with the baby, handle our other 4 kids, etc. It is going to be extremely stressful and not ideal at all. I will feel obligated to step in and do things when I shouldn't have to. Plus my mother lives with us and she is not in shape or healthy after recovering from a stroke, so I have to try and help her also...even though she has it in her head that she is somehow going to help me...but I don't know how she can.

    To make matters worse, his brother has been talking about his plans to come here after Christmas since this past summer and you would think that if that has been his plan he would be better prepared. He hasn't even bought his ticket yet. Are you kidding me? His visit is in like 10 days. He has been holding off trying to get a good deal and nothing is any cheaper this close to Christmas. He then asked my husband last night for some help getting his ticket saying he doesn't have enough and needs a loan to get out here. I am sorry but if you didn't plan accordingly and save your money, then that's too bad. But of course DH can't say no to any of his family members so he just wire transferred some money today. I just hope his brother is good for his word and pays him back like he says he will. So not only did he not have the money, but he doesn't even know what his plan is for sure on dates to be here...so DH just had to take time off on a whim not even knowing what days to go for.

    It's all a big mess and extremely rude and inconsiderate of his brother to leave us hanging this close to the dates and not telling us what his plan is. DH is not thinking of me and my needs at all. He thinks there is no problem and that I am being SELFISH for putting up a fuss. I normally wouldn't mind his brother coming but the timing and my condition is the problem here and yet I am still being selfish for voicing how I feel. Am I wrong in my feelings or justified? Any time I try to explain to DH why I feel this way and why I am not thrilled about this, it caused a big fight and then we don't talk or get along for a while. Today was no exception. He sent the money today...money we don't have...and since I asked him about everything and tried to express myself he got all mad and now we aren't really talking. It is to the point where I just want to go deliver this baby without him when the time comes and tell him that he can stay home and hang out with his brother.

    I have cried about this, stressed, lost sleep over it, etc. It is really upsetting me but I have no control and can't do anything because when he gets an idea in his head regarding his family, nothing will budge him. I feel like he is putting me, his pregnant wife, on the back burner and only caring about his brothers feeling. Never mine.

    If you actually read all of this, thank you for letting me vent. Please give me some support, words of comfort or advice. I really need a good friend right now to talk to and feel like I can talk to no one. Help please...
    ~Kimia
    Married to my sweet DH Olivier on 06/27/03

    Our precious kids...

    Jordan 06/04/04
    Jasmine 05/05/07
    Jaeda 09/30/09
    Jacob 08/17/12
    Expecting our unplanned surprise - baby #5 - due on January 10, 2014


  2. #2
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    Wow! I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes and I love my bil's and know them well!

    Have you tried writing a letter and asking him to read it? Then left him alone to do so? Maybe a list of your concerns, using I/we statements (I feel like we won't be able to share this new life together if we're also hosting people). Maybe suggest a compromise since it isn't booked yet of like two weeks later (that way if baby doesn't come early you still have a week), as post holiday travel is cheaper.

  3. #3
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    The problem with that is that he is in school and only has a small window of time where he can travel so suggesting he come a few weeks later won't work. Plus DH already wired the money over and he paid the fee for it so there is not turning back now. Thanks for the suggestions though. I am doomed to have to face this, just don't know how I can go about it and still be friendly and happy. And how do I change my feelings regarding DH right now, enough that I will actually want him at the birth? I am just so bummed about this whole situation.
    ~Kimia
    Married to my sweet DH Olivier on 06/27/03

    Our precious kids...

    Jordan 06/04/04
    Jasmine 05/05/07
    Jaeda 09/30/09
    Jacob 08/17/12
    Expecting our unplanned surprise - baby #5 - due on January 10, 2014


  4. #4
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    It sounds like there are deeper issues than just the brother, though that is how it's manifesting at the moment. Perhaps a conversation about goals and what an "ideal" relationship looks like would help you both understand the others pov. Have you ever looked into yours and hubby's "love language"? It can really help open lines of communication.

  5. #5
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    Yeah we should. I have heard about that book but have never read it yet. Its mostly cultural differences that are the issue with us. He seems to think that when someone is about to have a baby that its a happy time for everyone and anyone and that if someone is there then that is good because then we can all celebrate. Yes, having a baby is a happy time and its ok for people to visit to meet the baby afterwards for a brief visit...not have house guests. We just differ on our opinions regarding this. Its too bad. We never had to worry about this issue before because no one ever tried visiting and staying when I had any of my other kids. Just the fact that this is a holiday baby is tough for this reason alone. Hopefully we will be ok.
    ~Kimia
    Married to my sweet DH Olivier on 06/27/03

    Our precious kids...

    Jordan 06/04/04
    Jasmine 05/05/07
    Jaeda 09/30/09
    Jacob 08/17/12
    Expecting our unplanned surprise - baby #5 - due on January 10, 2014


  6. #6
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    Things Are going pretty well despite his brother arriving on Monday. Dh and I are doing better and getting along really well. He has been sweet and helpful and I am just not trying to start any arguments regarding his brother so it's ok. I still wish he wasn't here and hoping I don't have the baby when he is here but I am tying to make the best of the situation since I am stuck with it. I wouldn't mind having the baby this Saturday or Sunday cause I would be in the hospital and his brother leaves early Tuesday morning. So that wouldn't be too bad. I have been having way more contractions. Only about 8 more days until my due date so based on my record with all four previous pregnancies I could go any day.
    ~Kimia
    Married to my sweet DH Olivier on 06/27/03

    Our precious kids...

    Jordan 06/04/04
    Jasmine 05/05/07
    Jaeda 09/30/09
    Jacob 08/17/12
    Expecting our unplanned surprise - baby #5 - due on January 10, 2014


  7. #7
    Online Community Director MissyJ's Avatar
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    I had read your post earlier but then failed to respond. I was peeking in wondering how things were going. I'm glad that the visit (and more importantly -- your relationship!) are going better than expected! Just a few more days! Sending you positive thoughts, prayers, ELV's and a safe journey home for BIL

    ~Missy

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