Majorpanic (slightly OT)
DH's family have just decided in the last few days that they want to move back to Ontario/Toronto to find work, as there is very little work where they live (the East Coast has lots of joblessness problems).
Logically, they would have to stay with us while they get settled. This could be a few weeks to a few months.
THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT! I do NOT want them staying with us at all. On my end, I do NOT like people in my personal space. I get panic attacks if people are in my space for more than a few hours. I don't like people touching my things. I don't want people in my bathroom or in my kitchen using my kitchen tools or pots and pans. I don't want people eating my food. If I'm having people over (say dinner or gaming), after a while I usually just go to my room and let DH entertain because I can't deal with it. If people end up sleeping over (because of drinking or whatnot) I cannot sleep. And then in the morning I'm afraid to leave my room. I want freedom and I won't have that with other people in my house.
First it was just FIL. That would just mean we would have to put a lock on our bedroom door and put all the alcohol in there as he is an alcoholic. We just found out Sunday night that DH's brother is coming too. I do NOT want him in my house. He is an angry abusive a-hole. He has kicked and hit DH's families pets multiple times (threw his chihuahua against a wall once) and I would not feel comfortable leaving him alone in my house with my elderly blind bulldog for fear he would do something. My dog is very temperamental and growls/snaps a lot (due to him not being able to hear/see well) and I don't want BIL to do something stupid. I know my dog and how to handle him and I know his triggers. Other people do not. And BIL - I do not trust him. I do not trust him to not steal our things and sell them as he's done that before.
The other issue is, they will expect to use our car to find jobs. I don't want them to touch my car at all. I do not want them to drive it. The car is in my name and the insurance is in my name. I'm tempted to put a restriction on the insurance to specifically not allow them access to the car. That way if they drive it and something happens, they can be charged by police. Neither FIL or BIL have any education/training or anything. BIL never finished high-school and FIL has only random construction help over the last 40 years. He's 60 as it is. How are either of them going to find work?
BOTH OF THEM HAVE JOBS NOW THAT THEY ARE QUITING!! WTF!! Yes, they aren't the best jobs but it's something. I think part of the reason they are coming up is because DH told them about the baby and they want to be close to us. Ugggg.....
This is giving me serious anxiety and DH just doesn't understand. He is just telling me to deal with it as it's happening. He didn't even ask me if it was ok, he just told his parents it was ok without even telling me first. This is screwing up our entire house set up. The spare room which is my craft room/storage room now will have a guest. We don't have a second bed so that means someone will be sleeping on the couch all the time which means I will have no where to go to relax. DH said we could turn the other spare room into storage/craft/sewing room but I'm like "WTF, that's going to be the babies room" and he was like - oh, I thought we would just put him/her in our room". Umm..yeah...maybe for a few months but after that he/she will need a room.
I'm considering leaving, taking my car and my dog, and renting a basement apartment for a few months or something. It's bothering me that much that I would do that. It would probably mean DH would lose his job as he needs the car to go to/from, but I think I need to take extreme steps here to show him I mean business. This is unacceptable. If they were coming up for vacation, I could probably take time off to get by so I could be home to watch the dog and them so they don't do anything stupid and drive them places so they won't touch my car. But this is for an unknown amount of time and it is just freaking me out to no end.
I know it's more of a vent but any suggestions? I know there are probably irrational hormones talking here to an extent, but my concerns are real about the car and dog and living space.
Maybe have a contract written up that they have x amount of time and the rules...Mohave hubby and them all sign it.
Thanks, but that wouldn't work. DH would be offended if I even suggested it. He comes from a very family oriented situation, I do not. I do not get the "family comes first" thing (DH very much puts his family before me sometimes).
Let me explain further. I had a very traumatic experience living at home growing up. My mother went into a mental health asylum many times and we were in/out of foster care for several years. When she finally got her act together (when I started highschool, around 14 yrs old) and we all lived in the same house, my two younger sisters became out of control. I ended up becoming a prisoner in my own house until I moved out at 19. I had a dead bolt lock on my bedroom door and I had to keep everything I owned in my room or my sisters would steal it. I had to take a shower caddy to the washroom with all my products (bought myself with my own job money starting at age 14) with me each time. Locking the bathroom door didn't help either as they would break in. I had to shower with my room KEYS AND ROBE in the actual shower stall or they would steal the keys and ransack my room (I learned my lesson there). They even got a ladder and several times tried to break in to my bedroom via the window from the outside, so I had to get multiple locks for those as well (all paid for myself at age 14 since my mother wouldn't help at all with the situation). When I did laundry I had to sit in the basement beside the washer/dryer for the entire time or they would try to steal my things. I even had to carry my shoes and jackets from the front door to my room or they would get stolen.
Even when taking extreme care, things got broken, taken, ruined, stolen and sold even. Even items that were very important to me.
As a result, I don't trust people with my things. I cherish everything dearly and the thought of anything being touched, broken, or stolen brings back horrible memories of my sisters stealing and ruining my things. I even have issues with DH touching and ruining things we own because he doesn't take care of things the way I do. I treat everything and take care of it so it remains in perfect condition (pots, pans, appliances, clothing, books, everything) but DH could care less. His opinion is "if it breaks, just buy a new one". Ok...yes, it's very OCD I know. I am literally that attached to my pots/pans. They are worth $700 and were a wedding gift. They are high end and the thought of anyone ruining them has me in tears, but I know DH and his family wouldn't take care of them or use them properly which has me scared.
What if they got in an accident in my car? It's my insurance and that would go on my record! I have been driving almost 20 years and I've had no accidents at all. But his family doesn't take driving serious. The don't consider an accident a big deal which is why I don't trust them. I barely trust DH driving and I'm constantly trying to push on phantom breaks or scared he's going to hit other cars or the curb as it is. His brother doesn't even have a license and he drives illegally all the time! What if he took the car in the middle of the night? Am I going to have to sleep with my keys??
Hmm... Not sure where that reply went... Here it is again...
Sounds like you have some legit concerns, but a few sound like hormones/personal issues. Have you spoken to dh calmly and told him your concerns and you past? Have you tried to really explain it? If he cuts you off perhaps a letter or asking him to listen to you fully before replying/asking questions. It might also benefit you to see a therapist as I promise, no matter how careful you are, kids break/ruin/lose/give stuff away. And with the exception of the giving away/trading... It's usually an accident.
Oh, Rachael! Just when you don't need stress! I wouldn't want them moving in with me, either, and I think it was very inconsiderate of your DH to not ask first. I think you have to talk to DH. If the car is yours then I'd say it's your choice whether they can use it and your DH has no business offering it to them. They can take cabs, if any are available in your area, or they can buy a junky used car or something. Or they can just not live with you at all, which sounds like the best solution to me. I would not want to invite an alcoholic and someone with known anger/control issues into my home, especially when pregnant. I would be seriously worried, from your description, that they would move in and become dependent and never leave.
I agree that some of the attachment to particular objects is something you might want to think about addressing at some point, it's not as much the point here as your DH making a major life decision without consulting you. If he won't listen to you and you really object, then I think you could consider the extreme step of moving out for a bit. But you'd have to consider the effect it might have on your marriage. There's really no easy solution, is there? I hope your DH can listen calmly and the two of you can reach some agreement.
:bighug: I'll be thinking of you. Take care of yourself and that precious baby!
DH knows all about my past and he knows how much I panic when I can't have my own space free of other people. But his response in this case was basically "suck it up and get over it". We've already been going to a therapist but the problem is DH never acts the way he does at home around the therapist so we never get anything accomplished. It's like he's two different people. If I bring anything up he turns it around to blame it on something else like work or stress or depression. In truth he has major anger and patience issues that he refuses to believe are part of his actual character. He thinks they are because of outside factors which I know isn't true. But nothing I can do or the therapist can do until he admits it to himself that he has a problem.
Originally Posted by Mamaterp
In truth...if this past cycle with the fertility clinic didn't work, I was considering leaving him or at least separation....that's a story for another day though. ;)
Thanks. Yes, I agree that it's just the time I DON'T want to be stressed. Funny how life happens? The problem is his family has no money, like, none. They are coming with nothing so we will be providing everything. Which we also cannot afford to do either. They will be relying on us for food and transport, everything.
Originally Posted by pico83
At this point I would rather get them a furnished apartment for a month and let them figure it out. I bet they would look for work much better if they knew they had to pay after the first month....
no no no no no! YOU are and adult and YOU shouldnt' have to "suck it up and get over it" when YOU have worked uber hard to get into a situation that you are comfortable with. my BIL and MIL are living with me right now. if i had a place to hide the bodies.......
DONT DO IT. ask your DH if its worth sacrificing your relationship over, and tell him that you are already feeling left out and like he's picking them over you. yes its a legitimate feeling. tell him NO. its not worth it!
I was gonna suggest this! Or, a hotel room for a month? That way THEY are responsible for the damage they may cause?
Originally Posted by raingirl28
yeah... what janelle said! its worth the money to try and help, but not worth sacrificing your personal space!