OT - house guests

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raingirl28's picture
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OT - house guests

Just another rant a bit, but also maybe advice?

As you know we have house guests (DH's family) that REALLY need to move out. They had found a place they really liked for Nov 1 but weren't able to get the documents on time to apply and it was taken. They didn't really look for anywhere else though. They found another place over the weekend in the same building but it's not for rental until January 1. I immediately told DH (in private) that we cannot wait until then, not an option. It needs to be asap that they find a place.

So I looked online and came up with a list of about 20 places that looked good that were available either immediately or Dec 1. (Part of the problem is DH's family isn't familiar with looking for a rental online, which is where most are posted these days, and they aren't familiar with the city we live in but I've been here 10+ years). I sent it to DH who forwarded it to his mom. Most of the places were 3 bedroom but I put a few 2 bedroom on there just in case they were worth looking at (and the 2 yr old can stay with his parents if need be for a while).

Well, this was yesterday. I then went for a walk to the store alone to get some things. When I came back, everyone was gone but DH and he was in tears (my DH is VERY sensitive). Turns out his father said some pretty nasty things about me and made DH feel really bad. Basically, he told DH in a very passive aggressive way that it was obvious that I did not want them there and it was ok, they would go live in a motel or be homeless until they found a place.

Can you believe his father said that to him?? They have basically made DH choose between them or me!! They do not understand at all that they have overstayed their welcome and that they need to get out so DH and I can have some privacy alone as a couple for a few months before baby gets here.

It, however, did give me a chance to get some info out of DH and I do now see how much stress them being there is causing him and he also agrees that they need to leave. DH had 2 migraines this past week as well as a dizzy spell on Sunday and I think it's all stress related to his family. He agrees. He feels stuck though, he doesn't want to offend them either but he wants them out too.

How does DH explain to them nicely that they need to move into their own place as soon as possible but making them understand that we aren't kicking them out? I mean, if I wasn't pregnant we could wait until Jan 1. But WE NEED ALONE TIME before baby gets here. WE NEED our house back. WE NEED to prepare!! WE NEED people to stop yelling and screaming and touching our things!

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Sorry that you in-laws are giving you such a rough time. You are right that they are being very passive-aggressive with how they are treating your DH. Don't let them put you on a guilt trip. This last bit of time alone is important for you to connect and rest because very soon you will have a very demanding baby to care for. You have been more then patient. *hugs*

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Thanks. DH still hasn't talked to his dad and I can see it's stressing him out. He really doesn't know what to say I think. I mean, his dad has lived with us since JULY! I just hate seeing him put in this position because it's not fair to him.

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Dealing with in-laws is hard. Right now I have my MIL telling Sean that if he is still married to me when she dies that he will get nothing from the estate (the only things we want is Sean's baby pictures and stuff that was his dad's, she can stuff her money). She has also offered to pay for him to divorce me... so it could be worse. But I totally understand how difficult it is for your husband being forced to choose. Hope everything works out ok.

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LURKING:

HUGS!

Maybe you and DH could sit down with his Dad together and tell him that you love him, but that this isn't a healthy environment for any of you. Express that you need to start preparing for the new baby and that you need to physically take care of yourself. I would try to not state things about "attempted ground rules", "time frames", etc. as that would just give an opening for him to think it's open for discussion. However, you might want to just be honest that your biggest issue is with the GF, BIL, and child.

Good luck!

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followed you here from ATB...

:bighug:

I just wanted to point out that they will NOT be homeless unless they CHOOSE to be. You've given them leads on 20 apartments. They've had plenty of time to collect paperwork, get their IDs sorted out, and save up deposit money. They have no excuse except that they're moochers. And your DH does NOT have to choose between them or you. He chooses both of you, just living in separate places. Two key things you had wrong. Smile You sound the only one in the house with your head on straight, so don't let this negative language get to you because you ARE right. Good luck!

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Thanks everyone for the support and putting up with my venting! It's been a hard few months. Every day/week that goes by I know baby is coming closer and it scares me not being prepared. DH has at least asked me to relax until after the baby shower to see what we get gift wise there. Technically we can't get anything until I get my bonus Dec 23 anyway (yay! after christmas sales and mayham!) but still....

Working from home today, hoping the nephew is quiet at least a little and doesn't stress me out too much! Then tonight DH is going to talk to his family....

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Good luck to him, I'll keep some good "man up" thoughts for him! Blum 3

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*lurk*

You have last a lot longer with your inlaws than I would have, and you are probably being a lot nicer than I was when I had to kick out my brother and then my BIL. Some people don't understand. If you had a twenty room mansion and five bathrooms, living with inlaws would still be hard.

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Ug.... they are applying for an apartment they like that's for January 1. If they get it then...I don't know what I will do. DH doesn't get it. He thought I would be happy they found a place they like! But he doesn't understand the timing at all. He doesn't understand the urgency of baby coming at all!!

I'm crushed. I'm so depressed I can't stop crying. This whole pregnancy has been ruined for me it feels like because we haven't had any privacy or alone time in 6 months! I'm full term January 2!! I CANNOT have them here that long. I do not want them there during Christmas!! I'm finding this whole situation very psychologically traumatic. I'm never going to be able to look back at my memories of this pregnancy with joy....only sadness, depression, and anger.

***

DH just called me that he's in the ER. He has his third migraine in 7 days and he said it felt different than normal. I think the stress is affecting him more than he wants to admit. I hope he's ok and it's nothing worse than a migraine.

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"raingirl28" wrote:

Ug.... they are applying for an apartment they like that's for January 1. If they get it then...I don't know what I will do. DH doesn't get it. He thought I would be happy they found a place they like! But he doesn't understand the timing at all. He doesn't understand the urgency of baby coming at all!!

I'm crushed. I'm so depressed I can't stop crying. This whole pregnancy has been ruined for me it feels like because we haven't had any privacy or alone time in 6 months! I'm full term January 2!! I CANNOT have them here that long. I do not want them there during Christmas!! I'm finding this whole situation very psychologically traumatic. I'm never going to be able to look back at my memories of this pregnancy with joy....only sadness, depression, and anger.

***

DH just called me that he's in the ER. He has his third migraine in 7 days and he said it felt different than normal. I think the stress is affecting him more than he wants to admit. I hope he's ok and it's nothing worse than a migraine.

Hugs! Maybe you need to sit down with the inlaws and dh and make it clear.

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I think it is time to go hormonal on your inlaws. You being stressed and upset is not good for baby. You have put up with a lot of crap and don't need it to continue. Be the bad guy because if they don't get the apartment for January 1st then what? They keep staying with you! Men don't get pregnancy and the stress until baby actually arrives. Sorry you are having to deal with this. *hugs*

eta: maybe have your midwife tell DH that stress is not good for either of you.

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Tell them to move out now into a motel, and into the new place on Jan 1st. Most motels will give you a deal on weekly rental. And I love the idea of having your midwife talk to DH. I'd also go another step and make her the "bad guy" with your in-laws, too. Tell them that she says you need space, and quiet, and peace, and since you're not getting it with them there, she says they need to go. It's for everyone's health & well-being, yours, baby's, and DH's.

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Apparently now they don't have the money to move out immediately, which is why they are going for Jan 1. Right now they don't even know if they can make a last months deposit to apply to anywhere let alone the one they found that they liked.

So...nothing we can do. We are screwed....officially. Home birth is likely cancelled (I am NOT doing it while they are in the house). We don't have the cash to lend so we are stuck.

Either that or tell them to move back to NB....

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Honestly I'd tell them they have 2weeks to get out...

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Rachael, I'm sorry you have all this stress going on! Not what you need during pregnancy!

Is DH feeling any better? What ended up happening with the ER visit?

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Turns out DH just had a really atypical, really bad migraine. He got some Toradol and Zofran via IV and a CT scan. Luckily the CT scan was clean! But it was his 3rd in 7 days which has never happened before. He got a script for some new medication to help him better the next time. All he had before was pain meds but this new one is (maxalt?) is supposed to stop all symptoms asap not just pain, so we shall see.

I think it was triggered by all the stress at home. He doesn't want to admit it though, I don't think. I would hate to be in his position though. I mean, it's his family and he's close to them. how can you kick out your family and not have them hate you?

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Its a tough situation. I think they have way overstayed any welcome but if I were you, I would find it really hard to kick the out because of the guilt trips.

Has moving here been an improvement for them? Are they paying any rent to you?

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I use maxalt for my migraines. It works and I can still function. So hopefully it will work for your DH.

Sorry for all the stress this is causing both of you. If they have been out there since July with no full-time jobs I think it is time to go back to NB. Hard to tell them that. Have they not been saving any money while living with you? :bigarmhug:

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How the **** have they been living rent-free for five or six months while working temp jobs and have no deposit money??? That's absolutely horrible. They can hate you all they want but it's their own damned fault. Two weeks, and stick to it, and keep with your own very reasonable plans for a home birth for your own baby. Do they go to church? Call the church and tell them to be helpful. Are the men Masons or Odd Fellows? Call your local lodge and ask them to be helpful. Get in touch with your local social services office and see if you can get them some help getting out, but DO NOT LET THEM STAY ANY LONGER. Don't you make me come up there and kick some more sense into you! :biglaugh:

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I've been doing research and I think it's a cultural thing. Yes, not an excuse, but I literally think that they just don't "get" that they are wrong. In their eyes, they are helping and being around family is better than being along.

Here is the wiki on high context vs low context cultures. (I have a degree in Anthropology so I needed to do this research for peace of mind!)

High context cultures value the group over the individual. But I'm low context where I value being independent over being in a group. In DH's family's eyes they believe that being there is more beneficial for us right now than not being there. For us to shun them and tell them that we want to be individuals away from their group mentality would be against their usual cultural experience.

Now...to find a way to reach them using this information...

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Interesting. I can see that though from when I visited the East coast. People did seem more community oriented then what I was used to. Heck, even living in Alberta was a cultural shock moving from Ontario.

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First, i would like to say that i had migraines for YEARS before they gave me meds taht helped, and it was maxalt, and it was AMAZING. and i was a poor pathetic teenager who had to go home sick from school and miss driver's ed class because of those damn things. i havent had any since i had kids, but OMG that stuff was amazing!

the way your hubby's dad is acting is DYSFUNCTIONAL. they make a crisis where there is none because they dont know HOW to be functional. thats not your problem and they need to get out. i got everyone out of my house except my mother in law's dog, and he's on "a short leash" and i didnt even have to "go hormonal" on anyone... a few of them have seen my hormonal and once was enough i guess!

can they not see that what is good for THEIR half of the group is VERY BAD for your half of the group? even in a group mentality thats not beneficial! if they were truly focused on the good of the group they would be doing all your chores and helping you out left and right, but thats not whats happening, they are simply being dysfunctional!

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Well, apparently they "found" a place and are applying to it today. It's a town house about 10 min drive from us.

Crossing my fingers they get it! It's for December 1 but currently empty so maybe they can move in sooner!! Someone FIL works with is a property manager there part time so hopefully that gives them a good chance!

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:goodluck: that they get the place and get out of your house. Any idea when they will know if they have it?

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*lurk*
I'm praying they get it! I have crazy in-laws too (as well as crazy family) and feel your pain.

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I'm hoping if they get the application in today that they should hear in a few days! Smile

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Well, they found a place that was different but from the same landlord. They found out they got it last night but then found out last minute that they needed to put down first and last right away (they only had last saved up and were only thinking they needed first for Dec 1). It was a stressful evening having to ask to borrow from my sister (she had already offered before to lend) but it's done now.

The end is in sight!!

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:yahoo::blob3::blob6::pinkelephant::wootjump::party:

I think you get the idea. So glad you will at least have a few weeks before baby comes to get organized and spend time with DH.

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Just reading up on all this now...so happy it seems to be working out! Are they moved out yet? I can completely sympathize with you and I am so sorry you had to go through all that.

If you don't mind me asking, where is DH and his family from? Hearing you talk about differences in culture got my attention cause I am going through something similar. My DH is from Africa and our cultural differences are vast, especially when concerning his family. Its pretty bad. I am dealing with similar stress in the sense that my DH's brother is wanting to come visit the week I am due! I can't believe it. It couldn't be worse timing. Granted, he isn't living with us and it would be a visit...not him permanently with us like your in laws were, but its still awful. I can't fathom the idea of hosting anyone...not anyone in my family or his family the last week of my pregnancy and I usually go a week early so chances of baby coming when he is here are very high...and that is what we are facing. And the worst thing is that DH doesn't get it. Anyway, I may start my own thread concerning this cause I have been keeping my stress and frustrations in this whole time and need to vent about it and get some support...was mainly curious about your DH's culture as I am dealing with something similar when it comes to family it sounds like.