Need your opinion
I don't want to go into a huge amount of detail because there would be too much to write. So here it goes...My mom is an alcoholic and has been essentially her entire life; however, there have been times where she did sober up, but this was when I was quite young. I have some good memories of her, but most of them are to do with her alcoholism and aren't so nice. There has been a lot that I have been put through because of this and some of it is stuff that I can't really forget or forgive her for. She has apologized, but it seems meaningless. As a result our relationship is really strained and fragile. I have told her many times how I feel whether it be on the phone, in person, or by a letter. At this point, I only see her maybe once a year. She has only seen Josh a handful of times since he was born and she recently met Leah when she came for a visit. She did not have a phone for the past few years until recently, so we didn't communicate much. It was very rare that she would make an effort to get a phone card and call to check in on us.
About a year ago I was in counselling and tried to work through how I feel about my mom and our relationship. I was at the point where I didn't want to continue a relationship with her. I decided to try and keep in contact with her and just accept that she is not going to change. I also thought I would feel guilty if I cut her out of my life. From that point we didn't really start talking until she finally got a phone. The first time she called me I was out, so I called her back and she was drunk. She knows I will not speak with her when she is drunk and so I hung up. I left it up to her to call me back because I certainly didn't want to call again. She didn't call for 2 weeks and when she did she was drunk. I was so angry and upset that I spent more than an hour on the phone with her gave her a piece of my mind. I was recently pregnant at that time with Leah too, so it was really emotional to deal with her crap. After that we began to have a ok relationship, but it was under the understanding that she be sober when speaking with me. Things were going alright, but there were a few slip ups and I warned her. I did hear of her constantly calling my brother while drunk though. This brings me to the present.
She called last night at 9:30pm and woke me up. She was beyond drunk. Her speech was so slurred that I couldn't understand a thing she was saying. I don't even know how she managed to phone me because she was that far gone. It worried me because she sounded that bad. I told her not to call and hung up. Afterwards I laid wide awake with worry. I'm constantly worried that she is going to die. She had a heart attack last year and her health is so poor. She also threatens to kill herself too. Last night I decided that I can't do this, it affects me too much and my life. I don't want to be in this toxic relationship with her anymore. I called her this morning to tell her that we are through, that I couldn't keep subjecting myself to this pain. She is still drinking! She is still beyond drunk! She went on about nonsense and said don't I realize how much it hurts because I am a mother now too. I responsded by saying that as a mother I can't understand how a mother could continuously hurt her own children. She told me I'm selfish and I'm going to hell. I hung up and that's it.
I don't want to be involved with her anymore. Does this make me a bad person? I want her to get help, but she won't. She knows I love her and I know she sees this as me not loving her and abandoning her. There's just so much that I can take it. I don't want to carry her problems on my shoulders. I don't want to constantly be scared of what will happen. I feel that I have done all that I can in my power. I know and feel that one day I will get the phone call that I dread.
I just got a call now from the man she lives with. He told me that my mother is really upset. I told him that I love her and that is all I can do and hung up. I've never met this man, but he tells me that he loves her a lot. I see it that if he loves her that much, he would not enable her.
Sorry for the novel, this is the "shortened" version. I'm just so upset and really needed to get this out.
:bighug: "bighug: :bighug:
I wish I had some advice but just want to let you know I'm thinking about you!
So sorry to hear about your relationship with your mom. My grandmother is an alcoholic and I grew up seeing my mom deal with some of the same things. I definitely don't think you are a bad person for feeling the way you do. You have a family of your own to raise and if you feel that your energy needs to be focused on them and not your mother that's your choice....and an understanable choice! I don't think that's too much to ask your mom.....to only contact you when she is sober. I hope something will click with her and she will seek the help she needs.
Hugs to you!!
I can't imagine all that you've had to deal with. You are NOT a bad person. Just managing a bad situation as best you can. It seems like you've handled this in a very loving way.
I'm really sorry about your mom :(
Really tough situations and they almost always have tough solutions - you just need to get to a point where you can keep her in your life, but at a distance. Everyone can't have a front row seat in your life - until (or if) she can handle her toxic behavior, you have to do whats best for you and your family.
Thanks guys. I've committed to ending my relationship with her. She called me again yesterday during dinner and she was still drinking. I called her today to talk to her sober to tell her what I've decided and she is still drinking. This is day#3 of her bender. She didn't take to my news well and said some really hurtful things again. This really helps me see that I need to step away now. I'm upset to the point where my stomach is upset and I"m shaking. I've invested too much time into someone who has no intentions of doing better for herself. All I get from this relationship is pain, so there's no point anymore. In this day and age of social networks, I have even un-friended her. I told her the only contact I will have with her is if she is sick/hospitalized etc.
So sorry you are going through this, it is so rough :( I think the most important thing for you is that you be able to emotionally distance yourself from her, to the point where her decisions do not impact how you feel about yourself. I think taking time away from her if you are not at that point yet, so you can sort your head out and possibly get to that point, is a good idea.
Lindsey--i just want to support you. I think you are doing what's best for you and your family. My DH's Mom was a alcoholic (before I met him) and he gave her an ultimatum and laid it all out and said that if she didn't stop drinking that would be then end of their relationship. In this case....she went to AA and stopped and has been a wonderful part of our lives. A similar thing with one of my best friends her father was a alcoholic he sobered up only to become addicted to pot and she decided she couldn't continue a relationship with him if he didn't quit long story short he quit. I think that sometimes tough love is the only way and I'm in full support of your decision. I'm not suggesting that your Mom is going to quit because of you are cutting ties but *maybe*? there's a chance? I guess until then it's best to stay away. :bigarmhug: hugs to you and your family.