I don't want to go into a huge amount of detail because there would be too much to write. So here it goes...My mom is an alcoholic and has been essentially her entire life; however, there have been times where she did sober up, but this was when I was quite young. I have some good memories of her, but most of them are to do with her alcoholism and aren't so nice. There has been a lot that I have been put through because of this and some of it is stuff that I can't really forget or forgive her for. She has apologized, but it seems meaningless. As a result our relationship is really strained and fragile. I have told her many times how I feel whether it be on the phone, in person, or by a letter. At this point, I only see her maybe once a year. She has only seen Josh a handful of times since he was born and she recently met Leah when she came for a visit. She did not have a phone for the past few years until recently, so we didn't communicate much. It was very rare that she would make an effort to get a phone card and call to check in on us.
About a year ago I was in counselling and tried to work through how I feel about my mom and our relationship. I was at the point where I didn't want to continue a relationship with her. I decided to try and keep in contact with her and just accept that she is not going to change. I also thought I would feel guilty if I cut her out of my life. From that point we didn't really start talking until she finally got a phone. The first time she called me I was out, so I called her back and she was drunk. She knows I will not speak with her when she is drunk and so I hung up. I left it up to her to call me back because I certainly didn't want to call again. She didn't call for 2 weeks and when she did she was drunk. I was so angry and upset that I spent more than an hour on the phone with her gave her a piece of my mind. I was recently pregnant at that time with Leah too, so it was really emotional to deal with her crap. After that we began to have a ok relationship, but it was under the understanding that she be sober when speaking with me. Things were going alright, but there were a few slip ups and I warned her. I did hear of her constantly calling my brother while drunk though. This brings me to the present.
She called last night at 9:30pm and woke me up. She was beyond drunk. Her speech was so slurred that I couldn't understand a thing she was saying. I don't even know how she managed to phone me because she was that far gone. It worried me because she sounded that bad. I told her not to call and hung up. Afterwards I laid wide awake with worry. I'm constantly worried that she is going to die. She had a heart attack last year and her health is so poor. She also threatens to kill herself too. Last night I decided that I can't do this, it affects me too much and my life. I don't want to be in this toxic relationship with her anymore. I called her this morning to tell her that we are through, that I couldn't keep subjecting myself to this pain. She is still drinking! She is still beyond drunk! She went on about nonsense and said don't I realize how much it hurts because I am a mother now too. I responsded by saying that as a mother I can't understand how a mother could continuously hurt her own children. She told me I'm selfish and I'm going to hell. I hung up and that's it.
I don't want to be involved with her anymore. Does this make me a bad person? I want her to get help, but she won't. She knows I love her and I know she sees this as me not loving her and abandoning her. There's just so much that I can take it. I don't want to carry her problems on my shoulders. I don't want to constantly be scared of what will happen. I feel that I have done all that I can in my power. I know and feel that one day I will get the phone call that I dread.
I just got a call now from the man she lives with. He told me that my mother is really upset. I told him that I love her and that is all I can do and hung up. I've never met this man, but he tells me that he loves her a lot. I see it that if he loves her that much, he would not enable her.
Sorry for the novel, this is the "shortened" version. I'm just so upset and really needed to get this out.