DH Vent

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isuche02's picture
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/08/08
Posts: 1122
DH Vent

I tell you what - I have just about had my fill of how DH is acting (sorry if this is long).

When he found out we were prego with twins, he changed. We lived in the same house but weren't really functioning as a couple. He would do his thing and I would do mine. He completely withdrew and I spent the whole pregnancy alone. I did the whole thing by myself, without any support or help from him. I went to every appointment by myself. I worked up until the day they were born (I worked until 2pm and they were born at 6pm the same day). I kept up with the children even prego beyond belief and I never once complained or said anything about it. I knew he was going through some sort of depression but he would not talk to me or get help like I suggested. In the operating room the day they were born I told him - don't say anything, just take some pictures.

Once they were born, he changed again. When he saw them he smiled and held them. It was like he was a completely different person. I couldn't believe it. He even spent the night in the hospital with me and the twins. It was like a 180 degree turn in seconds.

Since the twins have been born, he is acting like when we first got married. He is happy go lucky, all over me all the time BUT he will not help with the twins at all. :mad: He took two weeks off of work after they were born but I was the one who had to get up with them. Even when I had such a horrible delivery and was very sick after they were born he would not help. I had to get my mom and sister to help one night because I just couldn't do it another night. I could barely take care of myself and I was trying to take care of twins all night by myself. I understand me getting up with them at night now while I am off of work and he is back to work but I am just frustrated (unfortunately to the point I cant sleep). Friday was my birthday - which he forgot until like 2pm he remembered - I asked if he would let me sleep all night once for my birthday. Heck no, he had to work the next day and wouldn't even consider it. I asked if he would at least do one feeding so I could get a longer stretch of sleep - no again. Tomorrow he has the day off, you think he is helping with the twins tonight - nope. You think he is staying home with me to help with the kids tomorrow - nope.

Maximum I get two hours of sleep at a time. The boys are on a 3 hour feeding schedule. The start to feed every 3 hours. However, it takes about an hour to feed them, so that leaves me with 2 hours of sleep before I have to get up and feed them again.

Plus on top of all this, while i am on my maternity leave from work - not only am I watching and taking care of the twins plus a toddler, I am also taking care of his two older children. Their mom is uncapable of watching them (she has no job and nothing to do all day) so I am the one stuck doing it. Not that I don't mind watching my step children, but it pisses me off that I am recovering from a csec, trying to take care of twins and a toddler - yet I am the only one who can take care of thier children. The 10 year old is not easy either. She is at the age where she is getting an attitude and talking back all the time. Not fun.

I don't know how I am going to manage all this when I get back to work.

If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I needed to vent. Maybe now I can get some sleep after I feed the twins. Thanks.

Last seen: 4 years 5 months ago
Joined: 01/01/06
Posts: 262

:bigarmhug:I don't really have any advice. I just think you are doing an amazing job. Having a newborn in the house always makes things crazy...and you have two! Plus a toddler and more. Functioning on so little sleep is so difficult. Even without other stuff... Hope things get a better:bigarmhug:

akpufa's picture
Last seen: 3 years 1 week ago
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 3078

All I can say is... :udawoman:

I don't think I could handle twins, let alone twins + a toddler + 2 older kids. Yikes. I'm sorry your DH is acting the way he is and everyone expects you to just handle everything. Running on that little bit of sleep makes life so, so difficult. *hugs*

belzy's picture
Last seen: 3 years 5 months ago
Joined: 11/01/10
Posts: 522

:bigarmhug: :bigarmhug: :bigarmhug:

MrsHooah2U's picture
Last seen: 4 years 11 months ago
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 946

I know this might sound "unconventional" but can you hire a nanny? Or a mothers helper?I used to do that when I was 12-14. Every summer to "earn money" i'd help moms. I wouldn't be alone with kids but just a helping hand to hold a baby or help entertain the other kids so mom could deal with whatever she needed. Depending on the age of the kiddo you brought in I bet a nap would be okay too (especially if you napped when the twins did). A full time nanny, obviously not cheap, BUT, maybe a part time thing, or a mom's helper probably would charge too much if you just had them come by a few hours in the afternoon to help just get over the 3pm slump. Even like a local college student looking to earn some extra money to come just a few times a week maybe between their classes or whatever... is something like that an option?

Obviously expressing your needs to your DH isn't helping anything ( I totttttttttttally get it; I had to have a near nervous break down for my DH to get it and I don't twins!) Have you thought about some sort of martial counseling? It would possibly help to have a 3rd party come in and tell your DH that he's being out of line expecting you to "do it all".

My other suggestion is get on a schedule. Obviously the kids might not be super easy to do that with right now, but other things. Do laundry every other day or every wednesday or however often you need to. Meal plan, that way you don't have to "worry" about what to prepare for dinner. If you have the time (or can get a sitter for one day) do bulk meals, freeze stuff and then all you have to do is pop something in the oven or whatever. Little things like that will help cut down on the 'basics' around the house and will give you more time to deal with the kiddos AND take time for yourself. I know it sounds silly but I don't "clean" the house until the weekend. I get the big chunks during the week, but I don't do bathrooms/laundry/mopping until the weekend when it's less stressful for me. My toilet is going to be dirty on Monday just like it will be on Saturday when I finally get around to it. I pretty much told my DH that you can't expect a completely eat off the floor spotless house when I have 2 kids of our own,am getting up with a NB m-f (he has finally started to do weekends..) and work full time (chasing after 4 more kids!). There is only so much I can humanly do, with out going off the deep end and then he's gunna be in a world of hurt hahaha!

last but not least, breathe! You are doing an amazing job and if your DH decides he doesn't need to 'help' then it's his loss and he's going to realize that when the kids don't favor him in anyway or want nothing to do with him since he's not interacting with them or being around them, it's going to be a huge slap in his face.. which I know doesn't help now, but take it for what it's worth Smile

angielily's picture
Last seen: 4 years 11 months ago
Joined: 03/11/03
Posts: 287

Aw, Jennie...I wish I could come help you!!!!!!!
Pam has some great suggestions (some I may try cause, though I don't have the work load you guys have, I'm an eternally lost soul & manage to operate my life like a 6-yr-old would) & I hope your vent helped you. Goodness knows it helps me when I write about stuff. And this will probably make you want to jump out the computer & strangle me, but please, please remember that this won't last forever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, love & it ain't an oncoming train Smile
You are an absolutely amazing woman. And you're doing an absolutely amazing job.

rebgrace's picture
Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
Joined: 03/28/08
Posts: 596

:bigarmhug: I wish I could help you, I am sorry your DH is being such a jerk!!! I don't think I could even handle twins by myself, you are amazing!! Pam had some good ideas, can your Mom and Sister help on a regular basis? Even if they can take 1 night a week, at least that would help you recharge a bit.
Hang in there. This part of your life is very difficult but it can only get better!!:bigarmhug:

momaof2boys's picture
Last seen: 1 year 2 months ago
Joined: 10/14/05
Posts: 741

I don't have much advice to offer just wanted to say that you're amazing to be doing it all like that. Are you close with any of his family? Could you vent to them in hopes they'd talk to him about it since he isn't listening to you---just a thought! I sure hope things turn around for you & you get the help you deserve!!!!

mommys's picture
Last seen: 3 years 9 months ago
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

He is taking off on his day off!!!!! SO SORRY. I can't remember, was this pregnancy planned?

Please get your mom or sister to help again!!!

mujul79's picture
Last seen: 2 years 2 weeks ago
Joined: 01/22/05
Posts: 1843

LOL I could so vent about Bill right now. I need to start posting here more so Pam is not the only one hearing it on FB Smile

HUGS your not alone in your SO frustrations. All I can do is say I think guys freak out when they hear we are prego and instead of the "OMG how cool I have more people to love me" they come out thinking "OMG how can I pay for them?" and they get all stressed out and because they are stressed out they 100% miss the things that stress us out being we are "MOMs" are are expected to handle all the baby stuff.

I would so be putting that 10 year old to work holding the baby and stuff so you can get a nap or bath. I know if my 5 and 7 year old can do that the step kids should be able to also.

mgowdy's picture
Last seen: 4 years 7 months ago
Joined: 01/17/09
Posts: 232

Wow, I am so sorry you are having To deal with everything on you own. I would have totally vented on DH if he weren't helping me. I agree that maybe your mom and/or sister could come help you more often? And Pam did have some great suggestions I think I may look into myself. Hang in there, it won't last forever and things will get easier even though it doesn't seem that way now!

SaraMeow's picture
Last seen: 4 years 2 months ago
Joined: 11/02/10
Posts: 406

Wow.. that is just NOT right. You are super woman for doing all of that. I have no other children and I am barely hanging in there with just one newborn. I have no idea how you are handling two.. AND other children AND recovery from surgery. He needs to step up and help out. You are amazing for being able to do all of that.

Last seen: 2 years 10 months ago
Joined: 04/09/06
Posts: 1244


I am so sorry to hear this. I had no idea that things hadn't gotten to this point. There are some great suggestions from everyone on this board. Multiples can really throw a wrench into a marriage. They put a tremendous strain on your mental and physical resources. I really hope you both can sit down and have a frank discussion about all that you do and the help you need from him. Do not be a martyr just to keep the peace. He needs to step up to the plate and do his part.

I do agree with hiring someone to help you if he won't. I hire a "mommy's helper/nanny" every summer now. I need someone to help me out during the day when I am off work for the summer. It makes my life easier and DH gets a happy wife. He has learned not to even make comments about what we pay. I put my foot down about it last year.

I do want you to know that you are not alone in your frustrations. I only wish men could really see what their negligence and selfishness does to a relationship, and not just marriage. :bigarmhug:

isuche02's picture
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/08/08
Posts: 1122

I got mad and said something to him. He went back to being in his little depression (so no more happy husband). He did do one feeding that night so I got to sleep for 5 hours straight. I felt like a new person when I woke up. I wasn't for sure the extra sleep was worth it though. He was miserabe to be around.

The next night day he went back to work and hasn't helped since (granted he is working 12 hours on night shift for 7 days straight), but he is now back to his happy person again the couple hours I see him a day.

I am not for sure what to do. I tried to get a live in nanny (au pair actually) but the au pair programs does not have counsilors in our area so we cannot get one. I cannot afford a US live in nanny and they are hard to find in our rural area. A summer helper would have been nice but I go back to work in a couple of weeks and daycare cost is outragous. We are going to go from having plenty of money to barely making it just from daycare costs - not to mention formula diapers for 2.

My mom and sister have been helping out during the day so I can get a few things done, which helps. I will be glad when the twins graduate from the 3 hour feeding schedule. 3 hours is just too short. Ashton can go 4 - 5 hours between feedings but Easton will not. I wake up Ashton to feed to keep them on the same schedule.

Thanks for all the suggestions and support ladies. I really appreciate it. Smile