dilemma: to find out or not to find out?

14 posts / 0 new
Last post
nmpiche's picture
Joined: 08/29/07
Posts: 508
dilemma: to find out or not to find out?

Hi Ladies. DH wants to know this baby's gender but I don't. So we are still trying to convince the other one and our u/s is scheduled for next week. We have two girls names picked out. The problem is the boy names. We can't agree on anything. I mostly hate all of the choices, mostly since I feel like there are common names that I already associate with someone (there are way more girl names) or that the names are weird. Our last name is also a first name, so I don't want to choose a name that sounds like a last name or people will always assume the last name is the first name and the first name is the last name. THat happens with DD sometimes. So I guess I am wondering if I should just cave and let DH have his way and find out the sex so we can settle on names. I do feel fairly certain it is a boy but if it's not it would be really nice to avoid the naming arguments. On the other hand, this will be our last baby so it is my only chance to not know. I feel like everyone I know wants me to find out the gender, even coworkers! Maybe I can get DH to agree if we find out and it's a boy I get my top name choice (Jonah). He hates that name. Okay, just ran that by DH and he said no way. Ugh, what to do?

SunDevil28's picture
Joined: 04/30/07
Posts: 496

Haha, well I am like everyone and think you should find out! Smile

No seriously, we are not talking names until we find out the gender, just so we can eliminate 50% of the names without having to argue about it. Smile Our last name is also a first name so it is really hard. I actually think it's easier for girl names for us, because our last name is a male first name.

So what is your reason for not wanting to find out? I personally believe that a surprise is a surprise, whether it comes at 20 weeks or 40 weeks. Smile But only you can know if not arguing about names is worth you not waiting to find out like you want to.

ftmom's picture
Joined: 09/04/06
Posts: 1538

Thats crazy. Our last name is a first name too!

We are not finding out until the baby is born, so I totally support you in that. However, here it is hard to find out earlier, and DH is totally on board with not finding out. In fact, I kind of want to find out this time, but he doesnt want to Smile

That said, you can only make the decision that is right for you. Dont worry about all those other people who want you to find out, it is between your DH and you. Oh, and in terms of names, we never name the baby until after we have met the baby, so we still eliminate 50% of them for discussion.......and call our LO 'Baby' for the first week or so Smile

Joined: 05/31/08
Posts: 1131

Hmmm. Tough one. Maybe just not even try and just wait until the baby is born to name him or her. It might be easier once you have the baby in front of you and can get a sense for personality, etc. Or maybe a name will just make itself evident by then. I understand not wanting to find out, I didn't want to this time either. Just thought that "it's a boy!" or "it's a girl!" moment on delivery would be so fun to experience. The reason I decided to go along with DH and find out was because I really was hoping for a girl, but had a feeling it was a boy. I wanted to be able to adjust my thinking and get over it if it wasn't a girl (and it isn't). Turns out I'm glad I found out. Already I feel more connected to the baby, just having a better sense of who is in there. But maybe I'd feel that way anyway just from finally getting a glimpse of the little guy. The other thing is, during the u/s, before she asked if we wanted to know, she'd already scanned over that area a couple times and it was pretty obvious. Once you've seen a u/s once and know what to look for, it's impossible not to see it. I guess you could ask the tech to tell you to look away when she's getting near the "danger zone." You could do the thing of having the tech write the gender on a piece of paper you can look at later if you just get to the point with names where you can't take it anymore and must know Wink Good luck, it is a tricky decision!

nmpiche's picture
Joined: 08/29/07
Posts: 508

I really don't know why I don't want to know this time. I think part of it is because this will be the final baby in our family and my last chance to try it this way. I also read that the pushing part of labor was on average 15 minutes shorter for women who don't know the gender. DD was 6 hours (non-consecutive) of pushing so any little bit will help, right? The pluses to knowing are that I can get gender appropriate hand me downs if it is a boy from friends (but I suppose that will work once the baby is born) and I could shop for clothes ahead of time if need be. Our last name is a boy's first name, so that's why boy names in particular are so difficult. I also think finding the gender out at the birth is exciting and makes those first phone calls that much more exciting, especially since it will be baby #2.

SunDevil28's picture
Joined: 04/30/07
Posts: 496

Have you made a decision, or are you still thinking about it?

nmpiche's picture
Joined: 08/29/07
Posts: 508

We finally decided tonight. DH and I got to go out to dinner b/c DD's daycare stayed open until 8pm! He was asking what I want for my birthday (it's coming up) and I said keeping the gender a surprise was one thing I wanted. He said okay because he doesn't mind not knowing. So, dilemma solved. It might drive me nuts but I think the big moment at birth will be very exciting!

MommyQCT's picture
Joined: 06/12/08
Posts: 387

I am SOOO ahppy about your decision!
I had been away on vacation or I would have posted here sooner!

DH and I are BIG BIG BIG supporters of Team Green. The amazing surprise on the baby's birthday is a feeling I will NEVER forget. The look on DH's face, his voice when he said "It's a boy" - nothing compares to it - I get chocked up thinking of it...especially having DH tell me instead of the DR. (i had a C-section and baby's head was out and crying before the rest of the body so I was waiting in anticiaption and asking "What is it? What it is? I think DH was never so happy to see a penis in his life - LOL)

And I think we feel so strongly b/c people usually say to us "I NEED to know, I am planner" Well DUH! We "PLAN" for the baby as well.. like it makes us feel like we don't care or aren't prepared or something... so we get defensive.

We pick out both boys & girls names - we too are having a very tough time with a boys name - love plenty of girls names, but can't think of any boys names that we don't dislike - all the ones we love are used up by other close family members...

Actually I think NOT finding out is more economical b/c if you know you are having a boy - you will buy all blue items, stroller, carseat, sheets, etc... then if you have a girl on baby #2 - you have to buy everything all over again in pink! All our stuff is brown, black, green, beige, yellow and we are using it all again - except maybe the clothes... also if I knew what i was having I would be spending tons at Target on baby clothes right now - by the time we find out, I will pretty much be housebound with newborn baby so not spending much - LOL
A small part of me would like to know so I know if I should start collecting girl hand me downs or washing the boy clothes i have - but not enough to make me loose the opportunity for the awsome surprise.

Also we always tell our US tech that we don't want to know the sex so she tell us when she is near the area and we turn our heads...

So happy that you will have this awsome surprise!

SunDevil28's picture
Joined: 04/30/07
Posts: 496

Jackie - That is funny that you are defensive about it. I mean actually ha ha funny, because I get defensive of my point of view too! Isn't it funny how both sides hurt each other's feelings/piss people off without realizing it? Smile

Like "It's a big surprise when you wait!" Well, I will definitely be surprised when I find out on Saturday! It is either a surprise at 20 weeks or at 40 weeks, it just depends on when you want your surprise!

Also, I bought all gender neutral baby gear, so we are set there for a boy or a girl. Clothes...well you got me on that one! Smile But my sister has boxes and boxes of girl clothes, many with the tags still on, and we still have all our boy clothes, so I shouldn't need to do much shopping.

I totally understand why it would be offensive for people to insinuate that you must not be planning for the baby because you aren't finding out the gender. That's ridiculous!

Basically it just comes down to, I want to know. It helps me feel more connected to the baby during my pregnancy, I want to be able to refer to it by gender and hopefully name before it is born, and for my DS I think it will help him get excited and connected to the baby too. But that's just what's right for us.

I should say that when I told Nicole, "I think everyone should find out!" I was mostly joking, not saying I don't respect people's reasons for waiting. It's just hard for ME to wait to find out the gender of other people's babies! One of the girls on my last BB was team green for her third, and I thought we were all going to die waiting for her to have the baby to find out what it was! Smile

And Nicole, glad you made a decision. Birthday present = genius!!!

ftmom's picture
Joined: 09/04/06
Posts: 1538

Thats funny about wanting to refer to the baby as a gender. I hate calling my baby an 'it' so we call 'it' he, as this is the proper English convention. If you have a mixed group or dont know the gender, you refer to it as male. I will occasionally mix it up, but thats just how we usually do it.

Well, I always have a million people ask if we know the gender, because of this, and when DS was born the nurses and Dr thought we knew (we had been calling him a 'him' throughout labor) and they didnt tell us the gender, we had to ask!

Anyways, Im glad you are getting your way Smile It is fun to find out the gender at the birth, although I totally see the other side of it too, especially this time. I am having a really hard time not finding out!

readytoplanmom's picture
Joined: 06/03/11
Posts: 168

Great decision and it's funny because you choosing that as a bday present where I am doing the opposite and finding out the gender will be a belated bday present!

I am so glad there are so many posts on this thread because there are great ideas on both sides. Keep the gender spending to a minimum because you may want to use them with the next baby. Since this is our first that is a huge idea to keep in mind when we register especially for the bigger items that we won't want to purchase again. Thanks for all the posts because if you think we have heard it before remember there are a few first timers here who need all the help they can get Smile

nmpiche's picture
Joined: 08/29/07
Posts: 508

Rachel, glad the posts are useful to the first timers! We did find out that DD was a girl at our 18-20w u/s and we still bought all gender neutral gear as the plan was to have another child. Gear-wise we are all set (except this time I want a snap and go stroller and a jogging stroller instead of the huge travel system stroller). I have some neutral clothes from DD and if it's not enough I will get more for the 0-3 month stage. I have friends who will offer hand me down clothes so it will all work out if I do need boy stuff. Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough, I am getting so nervous! I am dying to hear that all looks normal and great. Wish us luck!

SunDevil28's picture
Joined: 04/30/07
Posts: 496

Me too. We had the travel system with John and liked it. But the stroller broke about 2 years ago. So this time I'm going with the snap and go too, and then when the baby is sitting up we'll use the umbrella stroller we already have. DH is not thrilled with this plan, because there are times when the big stroller's suspension was helpful, like at parks and fairs and festivals. But especially since our carseat won't match a new travel system stroller, that's what we're doing for now.

Rachel, let us know if you have any questions! I loved being on a birth board because I got so much useful info from the moms who had been there. So I guess it's my turn to return the favor. Smile

ftmom's picture
Joined: 09/04/06
Posts: 1538

Since we are talking strollers, just wanted to recommend the Baby trend Sit n' stand for those with other young kids Smile DD loves that she gets her own seat, and my existing baby seat fit right on it. Unfortunately DD is now going to lose her seat this year as everyone has to shift around......Or maybe not, we don't have long summers, so will probably carry baby this year.