Who have you told?

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sookysunky's picture
Joined: 11/29/11
Posts: 62
Who have you told?

Hi everyone,

I just found out I was pregnant yesterday. I have not told my husband, because last week he had a TIA (about 15-minute long mini-stroke), and he's all freaked out over his health now, and didn't particularly want this second child. Really bad timing. I haven't told my colleagues or supervisors in grad school, because they will all get freaked out that I won't finish the PhD I've been working on forever. I haven't told my family because they'll probably think I'm too old (43) to have a baby. I haven't told my daughter, because if I then MC or have a genetic issue, she'll be devastated - she wants a sibling so badly.

That's actually why I signed on to pregnancy.org.... I've got to tell somebody! Even if they are complete strangers (at this time)!


Well actually I just called my doctor's office, so they now know...

BrokenPsyche's picture
Joined: 11/28/11
Posts: 192

At this point I have told pretty much everyone, but that's mostly because I SUCK at keeping secrets. I'm very nervous something will go wrong and I will have all those expectant people to face but I figured at least right now I am surrounded by lots of love and good thoughts. The only person I am actively waiting to tell is our apartment manager. Once I am past the first trimester I will be sittig down with her to let her know and discuss the big giant thorn in my side aka my neighbor with the major anger/rage problem. Something needs to change with that situation or he will drive me straight to the hospital from stress and anxiety Sad

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, but hopefully he can get his health checked into and that could take the pressure off him. Besides, maybe a new baby will give him something positive to focus on and look forward to. And definatly a reason to get his health checked out. I would definatly find someone you can tell who can give you a proper hug! But I've got this one for now *HUGS* and congradulations!!

Joined: 05/31/08
Posts: 1131

Sounds like a tricky situation you are in, and sorry to hear about your husband's mini stroke. I hope he is OK. Maybe give him a couple days to settle down and then tell him. Seems like if you wait TOO long he will be upset that you kept it from him. But it sounds like he could use a couple days to get over the scare of the stroke before you tell him. I probably wouldn't tell anyone before you tell him. Just seems like he should be the first to know. I bet once you tell your family, even if they are surprised/worried at first, they will be happy for you. 43 isn't THAT old. Women in their 40's have the second highest rate of unplanned pregnancy because they assume they won't get pregnant because they are too old. Wrong. Not too old. Teenagers are the group with the first highest rate.
As far as colleagues, who cares what they think. You could wait until your second trimester to tell them, that's probably what I'd do.
I just told my family at thanksgiving, and before that DH and my two sisters knew and that's it. DH told his supervisor and two co-workers after I hit 8 weeks because they were trying to plan summer programs and he will need to take paternity leave for a couple weeks in July. Our parents were upset that we waited until 9 weeks to tell them. They do not subscribe to the wait until 2nd trimester rule, at least when it comes to them. I kind of think they're right, I probably should have told them sooner, but it was a fun surprise on thanksgiving.

TessaS's picture
Joined: 11/19/11
Posts: 100

Elizabeth, I am sorry to hear about your husband. Are you sure that he doesn't want this second child, or you just guessing? You might be surprised. Actually, I am finding (my husband had a bad accident at work the day before I told him I was pregnant, crushed his arm under a truck) that this is a great distraction/motivation. I really hope he will be happy for you. I also suspect/hope that your friends and Coworkers will be happy for you too. It sounds like you are super excited, which you should be. Congrats!

I waited until about 8 weeks to tell my family and friends, but I found out at 7 weeks lol. I could hardly hold it in. I am a care-at home worker for the elderly, and I actually told a few of my clients before I told my parents...they forgot within an hour, but it is fun every time. LOL I am calling friends and other family this week. I know we should wait until after first official visit with the doctor on Dec. 13th, but ....first of all I can't keep quiet that long. Also...I have such bad morning sickness that people guess when they see me and I'm so pale lol

Congrats, and I look forward to hearing how dh and others respond to your wonderful news!

sookysunky's picture
Joined: 11/29/11
Posts: 62

He made it abundantly clear he didn't want a second child. He talks about how miserable he was the first year of Julianna's life, when I holed up in the house and wouldn't go out and do anything. It took me 4 years to break him down to the point where he would at least agree to stop practicing "safe sex". Then it was up to me to "time it right". I'm wondering if he was trying to play the percentages, that we're too old to conceive. Just the other day, he talked about selling all the baby stuff we have in the basement... I had just about given up hope as well.

Nevertheless, he will go along with this, because he did agree not to stand in the way, but I don't know how happy he'll be. It would be nice for all his diagnostic tests to come back, so that we know he's "low risk" for a reoccurrance. I assume he is low risk...young, doesn't smoke, is a bit overweight but not obese, has only one drink/week, eats healthy, he could probably exercise more...

I will need to tell him soon. I have a part-time job with the Department of Family Medicine research hub at the university and I'm thinking I should leave it right away so I can focus on my thesis... We need to plan, basically... Also, I'll have to explain why I took down the ad for selling the diaper changing table. Biggrin

I'm also worried a lot about something going wrong with the pregnancy and then having to tell everyone who knows about it...

MommyQCT's picture
Joined: 06/12/08
Posts: 387

Wow Elizabeth!!! What a great surprise! I am sorry you can't share the great news with your family yet... But I agree your hubby should be first... I really hope he warms up to the idea!
We told mostly everyone but friends and co-workers / bosses yet...
We accidentally told my almost 3 year old son the morning after we found out - didn't mean to but he laid on my tummy and said he heard a baby in my tummy...we were so shocked we said yes... I am so regeting it now b/c every pain or ache I feel I worry my son will not understand if I have a M/C.... so I would hold off on telling your little one until you are really in the safe zone...

Also wanted to mention my step mother had my sister at 43 - they had tried for years to have a child of their own but no luck - even after tring IVF and other things...then randomly she got pregnant while I was in my first year of college and had a very healthy happy pregnancy - I don't think 43 is considered too old...mayybe many years ago or something but now i thinks its totally fine!

Good luck and Welsome to July!

aphart0's picture
Joined: 11/21/08
Posts: 681

Wow, was a crazy situation you have on your hands. I really hope that you can tell someone soon and they will be super excited about this pregnancy. It is so hard to have the best news in the world and to not be able to share it with anyone. I have only told DH, my mom, and two close friends at work. I will tell the rest of my family this weekend and will wait to tell everyone else once we have heard the heartbeat. The idea of another baby is scary and especially with the situation your DH is in, but I bet he will be super happy once you tell him. Is there any way that you can tell him in a special way? Maybe make a card To: Daddy From: Little Bean. I really hope that you can get support from your family and friends. We definitely are excited for you!!

sookysunky's picture
Joined: 11/29/11
Posts: 62

Thanks for your supportive comments everyone! I knew it'd be good to post here right away... Smile

nmpiche's picture
Joined: 08/29/07
Posts: 508

Congratulations Elizabeth! Good luck breaking the news to your DH. Mine wasn't too jazzed about having #2 (here we are pregnant again after 2 chemicals and 2 m/c in the past year) and he's totally used to the idea and happy things look good. He also hated the newborn phase (mostly because he lost sleep) but now he and DD are best buddies. I think he knows that the fun times will come sooner than he thinks.

What are you getting your PhD in? I am also trying to finish my thesis in Pharmacology before this LO arrives. Good luck writing!

sookysunky's picture
Joined: 11/29/11
Posts: 62

Biostatistics. Its hard, as there really isn't a strong department in that here, and the biostats professors don't have their own research programs, its very self-guided... where are you going to school?

ChrissyD2103's picture
Joined: 10/09/07
Posts: 526

Wow! What a tough place to be in. I hope that your DH's health gets better and that you will be able to tell him about this great blessing in time and that he will be excited about it. I would be going crazy inside if it were me. I am a horrible secret keeper!! Pretty much everyone knows. We have had several losses and the support we have gotten is what helped to carry me through. That being said I feel like we tried for so long for this baby, (6 years) that I want to celebrate every happy moment I can, even if God forbid something happens.

SunDevil28's picture
Joined: 04/30/07
Posts: 496

First of all, congratulations! Glad you decided to sign on and share the news with us!

I can relate to you not wanting to tell the people involved in your PhD program! I am a singer and haven't told many people at my theatre yet, I know they will assume I am giving up my career, which I am NOT. I am also working on a doctorate, but luckily my committee members are very supportive. Though they will probably STRONGLY suggest I finish the thesis before having this baby. Well, good, that was my plan anyway. Smile

Best of luck telling your hubby. I'm sure he'll come around. Let us know how it goes!

nmpiche's picture
Joined: 08/29/07
Posts: 508

Elizabeth, I am going to school at Boston University School of Medicine, and i work full-time (yes, I am insane). Andi and I decided to be writing buddies as we both want to get our dissertations done before the babies arrive. You can join us, remind us to get motivated and keep writing! I actually could use help in statistics. I hope my committee doesn't blast me for the analysis I chose.

In writing news, I finally got my advisor to read the manuscript I am preparing for publication in a scientific journal. She likes it! Hooray! Of course I will spend the next few days making revisions and sending it back to her, but overall good news. She was talking about how she didn't think I had enough data and I wasn't working hard enough and now she thinks it's a beautiful story.

sookysunky's picture
Joined: 11/29/11
Posts: 62

I'd be happy to be writing buddies. Just let me know if you have any stats questions.

Sometimes its not how many analyses you have, but how well you present what you do have. I like a simple, straightforward message in a paper, not a hodgepodge. One of the professors I work with is always trying to throw more stuff in her papers... Of course, that could get your paper demoted to a "letter", but not in the right journal... We just had a paper published last week in International Musculoskeletal Medicine. Someone else wrote it, I did all the stats. Who has ever heard of that journal? They took the whole thing, without revision, published all the graphs, charts and tables, as is. (I was a little sheepish as I think I might have tried to pretty things up a bit - usually they ask you to resubmit the graphics in special files.) Anyway, we got our message out there completely as we wanted it.

I'm not in the "writing" stage yet. I still have to research and narrow my topic, then I will be running simulations. If I ever get to the writing stage, it'll all be downhill... My goal for the week is to write a summary about restricted maximum likelihood estimation as it pertains to random effects models, writing to cement my own understanding, no more... A pretty easy topic to be distracted from by pregnancy don't you think? Smile