Im a downer...

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Last seen: 4 years 9 months ago
Joined: 03/05/09
Posts: 111
Im a downer...

Ugh...I just need to vent I think but I feel so bad doing it amidst all the good news of all these babies being born. Sad I got PPD really, really bad with both of my boys and I was so hoping it wouldnt happen this time with Acacia...but I fear the time is here. I was so sure it wasnt going to happen this time because ive been nothing but soooo happy spending time with Acacia and taking care of her. These last few days though I have felt so crappy...We have been down here visiting my parents which I LOVE because I HATE living with his parents at the moment...its a nightmare from hell as they are always picking at me and complaining about me...Its so stressful. Its like nothing I do around his parents is right and that bothers me so much. Anyway...I think now that it is so close to the day we are heading back to his parents (tomorrow) that my depression is just like sky rocketing. I dont want to go back there at all. I really want to move back down here but its just not right right now because we have nothing set up down here job wise or living wise. Anyway...thats only part of the sad feelings. I have been fighting non stop with my sister while down here because she hates Mike...she hates him so much that we had to stay at separate places while visiting down here which doesnt make matters any better. I wish she would just get over her crap and move on...Im just exhausted in the family matters department...and now...the biggest thing of all...Im so so so so so depressed when I think about Acacia being our last baby for awhile...I know its the right thing to do and all but I just cant stand to think about it yet its all I think about. I obsess over everything like I get so sad when I read pregnant posts on here because I feel like maybe I didnt enjoy being pregnant as much as I should have even if I did have all these problems...I feel like I didnt really enjoy labor and delivery as much as I could have and sometimes Im just so sad that I had her early and didnt really soak up the experience of being pregnant. This probably all sounds like a bunch of stupid rambling but I dont really know how to describe what Im feeling...Mike has been talking a lot about things lately and he doesnt want to have any more kids and that just kills me...Like I dont feel done...I just want to cry thinking Acacia could be my last baby for my whole life and Im only 24...Im not really ready to make that decision yet but he is and it just kinda hurts. Ive gotten so many comments/questions about that lately and it just digs the knife deeper ya know... People will say "Oh since you got your girl are you done now?" or "Wow three are you done now?" I feel like everyone is just in my business sometimes...I just wish I didnt feel this way...I wish we were in a better situation right now and I wish I didnt feel so ****ty and sad all the time right now...I guess I should talk to my doc about it but I just dont know if I really feel up to trying the regime of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds again. After my first son they tried me on 5 different meds and they all made me hallucinate and have extreme bouts of anger...I dont want to do that again but I really dont know if I can take much more of feeling like this either...Im sorry for this rant but I feel somewhat better getting some of it out there...Thanks for reading and sorry I am being somewhat selfish in what should be a happy time. Thanks again

mama4joy's picture
Last seen: 4 years 3 months ago
Joined: 08/18/10
Posts: 686

Aww Misty. (((hugs))) I think what you are feeling is a perfectly natural reaction to your situation.

The people around us affect us a lot more than we like to think!!

I would say working on forgiving his parents (since you have to live with them for a while, I am taking it?) would help you feel better. I know its hard, but forgiving people really helps you not take so much of what they say to heart. At least in my opinion.

And as far as your sister. Idk, sisters are like that!!! Blum 3

And as far as more babies, I know exactly what you mean. I think our bodies are made to produce more than 3 babies in a lifetime and so they react to the thought of less with depression. That's my theory. Smile

I hope you can find a little peace without meds, esp since they cause you so much problems.

Try to enjoy Acacia and not worry about the other stuff! Biggrin

Easier said than done, but you can try!

coulditbe's picture
Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
Joined: 05/20/07
Posts: 429

First of all, let me just say...vent away. You need to talk about these things. The worst thing you can do is not talk about it. You are under stress outside of just having had a baby and that does not help matters. Absolutely talk to your doctor and see a therapist. If you have trouble affording one, there are resources out there and therapists who will work on a sliding scale. It is crucial that you feel like you can get these feelings out. As for having another baby, try not to worry about that right now. You are young and there is lots of time. No one needs to make any decisions today, try not to think of things as final. You will just cross that bridge when you come to it. Try to focus on what you have now, for now. As for all the questions, I think we all get those. I keep getting them too, but I know I am done. Just say "We'll see what happens" and leave it at that. Walk out of the room and take a deep breath when you need to.

Tell your in-laws that while you appreciate the help they give you, you are under extreme stress right now and you would really appreciate if they could be supportive to you right now. When they say something critical, tell them at the time that that is hurtful and not helping you be a better parent, wife, whatever and only adds to your stress. Maybe they don't realize what they are doing to you.

Lastly, you are not being selfish by feeling this way or talking about it. You can't help how you feel. Your body is going through a huge chemical shift and you are under a lot of stress in addition to taking care of three kids, including a newborn. Give yourself a break. Just keep talking to people and talk to the doctor


jep38011's picture
Last seen: 5 years 1 month ago
Joined: 02/08/09
Posts: 145

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I had ppd with my second, after I weaned around a year. Lexipro REALLY helped me. What helped me the most was learning about redirecting my thoughts. I was on it for 3 months, weaned off it, and felt better.

I HATE pregnancy. Feeling the baby move is cool, but the rest sucks. Anyway, pregnancy and the birth are such a small part of having a child. Don't beat yourself up about what could have been and focus on the future. You're only 24. If you want to have another baby in 2 or 10 years you can!!!

Take care of yourself!

Last seen: 4 years 9 months ago
Joined: 03/05/09
Posts: 111

Thanks so much guys. I am feeling a little better today and somewhat at peace with having to go back to his evil parents house...the bright side of it is i get to sleep with my fiance in the same bed again! Its been a week now and I miss being with him all of the time. Thanks again for all of your really helps!

lilmonster's picture
Last seen: 4 years 3 months ago
Joined: 02/06/10
Posts: 504

Misty - I'm sorry I'm late replying to this, but I think the girls who already did have given you some fantastic advice!! I'm really glad that you were able to vent here - please don't ever feel bad for doing that - it's part of what we're here for and sometimes a little venting is just what is needed! Yay for being able to be with your fiance tonight - sometimes it's the little things that count, right?!?

Starryblue702's picture
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454


I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time at home right now. It's definitely a hard situation with a new baby in the mix, too... and if you're feeling any type of PPD it's all the worse. That's what this site is for though, not just to talk about stuff when you're pregnant... but to vent after the fact as well!

I know how you feel about the 3 kids that you have. I had 3 by the time I was 26 and never closed my mind to the fact that I wanted more... but DH was absolutely against it (he also has 2 kids from a previous marriage). Well, low and behold this past March we got another positive pregnancy test (so this is #4 for me, #5 for him, and #6 for us together... confusing, I know lol). You never know what might happen in life, so just go with the flow. Talk to him about how you feel, and remember, as set in your ways as you might feel, me might feel the same way about his point of view, so you have to figure out some sort of compromise. Good luck! Hope you feel better soon!