SO MAD!!*vent* *1st post updated (:

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Love.Grown's picture
Joined: 11/01/11
Posts: 192
SO MAD!!*vent* *1st post updated (:

First of all, thanks ladies!! All of your advice really helped me to see that in the end, he didn't mean any harm, and that communication really is important, even when we're mad!

Final conclusion, we are both to stubborn for our own good. lol

After two days of sleeping on the couch for him, and soon to be three, he finally came upstairs and asked if we could talk. The first thing he said was, "I don't know why I didn't think it would hurt your feelings, and I really don't know why I thought it was a good idea to ask advice from (his cousins wife). I'm sorry, and I've been trying to figure out a way to say it without sounding like a big jerk".. He went on to explain, without breath practically, that it was just the most exciting thing that has ever happened to him. That every time he gets around people, he cannot help but feel like the news is just going to, "burst out". Then after he told people, he would feel guilty because he knew I wasn't ready to say anything yet.. but for some reason he just couldn't help him self! Promising to not go around people again until I was ready to talk, cause he doesn't trust himself Wink

As he spoke, my 2-3 day 'prem-a-frown' slowly turned into a grin. Somehow him telling everyone and their mother, didn't seem to bug me as much anymore. I wasn't sad about him going behind my back and I wasn't feeling the anger that goes along with that sadness. The pure and genuine joy in his voice, even as he was saying sorry, was just about the cutest thing I've ever seen. Infact, his happiness somehow spread over to me, and now I can't wait to start telling everyone too! Who would have thought?! lol

So I guess, after two years of being together, if this is the biggest fight we've ever had.. then something tells me we are going to be alright.

______________________________________________________________________

*I posted this in July, but really need all the advice I can get* Sad

I need to know if I am just being a sensitive pregnant lady or if this is a valid reason for me to be :angry4:!!
Plus, I really need to vent this out before I kill him...

Okay, so this is my Fiance's first baby, and needless to say, he is THRILLED! Which I get, and am so happy about. It was Halloween the day we found out, and we had his family coming over to take the kids trick or treating that night. Now, I was still in shock from the news.. I've been wedding planning for the last 8 months, and was not expecting this at all. It was less than three hours before anyone got there, and I had to pull myself together enough to get through the evening. As we were getting ready, I asked him to please not say anything to anyone. For one, I still had not digested it myself. Two, I wanted to tell my mom first. And three, I wanted to go to the Doctors and see where we are and how things are going! He agreed and we went on with the night..

But then, no less than two hours of them being there, I'm upstairs with the kids and I hear my future MIL start crying, and his two brothers say "Wow, really? That's awesome"! My heart dropped... I couldn't believe he told them. After they left, I burst in to tears, explaining to him that I know it's just his family, I know he is happy, I know this is a good thing.. but really?? We have not even known for a full day yet. He said he was SO sorry, and promised that would be the last of it. HA..

Fast forward two days, and I am at work. He sends me a text message asking if it was ok that he told his best friend and his wife too? AGAIN, I told him that NO, it was not okay! AGAIN, I told him how I'm still not comfortable with telling people yet and didn't appreciate him telling me AFTER he already told them. Again, I told him how upset he made me. AGAIN, I said, though tears!, to please not tell anymore people until after the doctors appointment. And AGAIN, he says okay, and claims to understand where I am coming from. HA..

Now here we are, and I am crying again. Trying to figure out if I am just being crazy and sensitive, or if he is really wrong. Last night, he went over to his cousins house to watch football. I didn't even think twice about him going because now we had the conversation twice about not telling people. When he got home last night, I casually asked him if he said anything, almost as a joke, because OBVIOUSLY he wouldn't... man was I WRONG!! When he didn't respond, I knew instantly! Come to find out, not only did he tell his cousin, but all of his cousins friends and wives that were at the house!! As he said it, I felt like I was loosing my mind?! I just stared at him in total confusion?! Thinking 'ARE YOU F*&%^&% SERIOUS????????????? Then he goes on to tell me that his "cousins wife thinks" I am over reacting!! He is not telling everyone like I think he is, and that I should be happy!!?? As he's talking, I am still in total shock. Not only did he tell MORE people, but now he is telling these people that I don't want to tell people and getting advice on how he should deal with me??!

From there, I just got up, walked upstairs, and have not spoke to him since. I cannot cry about it anymore. I cannot explain how I feel anymore.. it's all been said. At this point, I am just so lost. I feel like he is not respecting my wishes of not saying anything, and I feel like his being happy and excited, trumps my wishes of wanting to wait. This has never happened with us, we really never fight. But there is something about the way he is not hearing me in this situation that has me really furious/sad/hurt/frustrated. It's only been a week since we found out, and Lord only knows who knows now?! I am excited, and happy about this baby. But it's being over shadowed by the fact that I cannot get him to hear me!! What if something happens, and God forbid I Miscarry this baby?! What if we go to this first appointment and there is nothing there? I mean so much can happen and he really does not seem to care...

Am I crazy? Over-reacting? What should I do from here? Any help or advice from the already married would help me out a lot right now! I hate feeling like this and really want him to understand me. Could I approach him differently? Or is he really just that DUMB?? Grr.. :bawl::bawl:

Shrout.jayden85's picture
Joined: 10/20/11
Posts: 26

first off i dont blame you for being pissed. i would be too. moreless i would feel disrespected in a way but yet again not.

its cool hes excited but be cautious and is usually a good thing to get everything out and open with the hubby to be. i've had my fair share of fights with my husband but truthfully its made us stronger. our communication has grown over the years but we know where we stand on stuff. so my advice, confrontration yes but dont let the pg hormones take over. lol

to be honest with ya too, after i told my hubby i was pg i can not lie, his whole family knew before even anyone in my family knew. i was amazed on how well he reacted, and his family too. how did the family react to the news good or bad?

Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722

Id be really mad that he didnt respect your decision. While its wonderful he is so excited...he is being very selfish not thinking of your feelings first before sharing the news to people. I actually would be very upset. I really think its our bodies, its our emotions we have to deal with through all of the hormones, and it should be up to US when and who we share the news with. Im sorry...we do all the work...we should have say in when people find out and who gets told first!! ((HUGS)) he better get you flowers or something to make up for this!! I dont think its something to walk around holding onto anger, but he definitely owes you an apology. There has got to be good books out there that tells husbands/significant othes the proper way to treat a hormonal pg woman so that they dont find themselves in the dog house! Smile I hope you patch things up really soon...and that he doesnt do it again!!

jubileerose's picture
Joined: 06/12/09
Posts: 549

Your fiancé is also expecting a baby, not just you. He's going to have his own way of dealing with this news. Obviously, you don't want him talking about it. Obviously, he wants to tell everyone about it. When you talk to him, does he agree and apologize, or just nod while you talk? It seems like he doesn't agree with your plan. You two should come up with a new game plan.
Since he obviously doesn't want to keep this a secret, it might be best if you can reach a happy medium. He's expecting a baby and is thrilled about it. It could be worse. Hang in there!

Marite13's picture
Joined: 08/07/09
Posts: 3368

I can sort of understand how he feels.... when I got pregnant with our first, I wanted to tell EVERYONE right away- DH didn't want to tell ANYONE until after 12 weeks. We compromised and told our parents and then about a week later our siblings, and I told my three best friends immediately.

It's hard when you don't agree on something like this... I totally get that- but, it's true there isn't a RIGHT way to handle it... there is just what works for you and your fiance. Now obviously, you guys are not quite on the same page, and it would be much better if you could get on the same page. I suggest having a conversation with him where you ask him what he wants, instead of just saying what you want, because he clearly wants something quite different from you. Maybe once you hear from him what his ideal plan of attack would be, then you can try to create a new plan together.

Good luck!

Love.Grown's picture
Joined: 11/01/11
Posts: 192

Thanks ladies! It's good to know I am not just being over sensitive!

Yesterday, it did not get any better and I am still not speaking to him. Last night he came home from work with flowers and candy. Sweet right? NO! Not only did he fail to even come up stairs to talk to me or bring them to me, he just dumped them off on the kitchen table and turned football onto the television. In fact, I didn't even notice them until the kids and I came downstairs to make dinner about an hour later. I did not say a word, nor did he.

As far as I was concerned he could have taken those flowers and shoved them up... well you get the idea :angry4:. I mean, what good are flowers and candy when you don't verbally communicate what they are for, or maybe even acknowledge why I'm upset? How do I know he wasn't just offering me flowers because he knows how mad I am, not because he feels bad. I know I can be stubborn, but he really, really hurt my feelings, and if my tears and not speaking to him are not a big enough clue to that.. then I'm afraid this might go on forever Sad

Either way, I do, like most of you said, appreciate his being excited; I really do. However now it is about his lack of respecting my wishes. Whether he thinks those wishes are stupid or not, they are still something I asked for. After my first blowup of crying, we agreed to meet in the middle. It was okay that he told his parents and siblings.. but now he has gone on to tell way more people then I would ever feel comfortable with telling. He knew from day one I wanted to wait, he wanted to tell. So rather than meeting in the middle per-say, he has totally disregaurded my wishes and feelings simply because "it's his baby, too". Making me feel like nothing more than something, not someone, carrying HIS baby; with an opinion that doesn't matter. GRRR!! This is my body, these are changes that I have to deal with (sick, fat, emotional), and so at the very least he could partially respect what I ask of him!! If not, he can feel free to carry this baby!

lol, wheew!! this venting really helps! I feel better already..

boilermaker's picture
Joined: 08/21/02
Posts: 1984

((HUGS)) I hope you two find a resolution and can meet in the middle. I've learned over the years that sometimes men truly just don't "get it" (just like I don't get it regarding my dh sometimes, too.)

I think he is trying to say sorry-- but sounds like he isn't that good at it. Sometimes you have to negotiate these things as a couple. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Wink

jubileerose's picture
Joined: 06/12/09
Posts: 549

My husband, whom I adore, has never bought me flowers and candy when I'm angry. Sounds like a pretty good apology to me. I'll take it! *raises hand* Smile
At least he's trying. Pregnancy is tough.

Love.Grown's picture
Joined: 11/01/11
Posts: 192

"jubileerose" wrote:

My husband, whom I adore, has never bought me flowers and candy when I'm angry. Sounds like a pretty good apology to me. I'll take it! *raises hand* Smile
At least he's trying. Pregnancy is tough.

yes, he gets credit for the flowers and for being so excited. But after he dumped them off onto to the table without a word and then planting his butt on the couch to watch football for the following three hours... he gets all the credit he had revoked! Men..

boilermaker's picture
Joined: 08/21/02
Posts: 1984

I was just thinking about this some more-- just to play devil's advocate.....put yourself in his shoes. This is his first baby and he's really excited. And he wants to spill. Why do *you* get to decide when and where and who hears the news?

Right now he's probably feeling like he can't win-- he apologized. He brought you candy/flowers and you are still really mad.

I'm not saying that he is right and that you are wrong-- but there has to be some middle ground. Give him an inch or two.....you'll never regret forgiveness.

greenmylife's picture
Joined: 10/24/11
Posts: 355

"boilermaker" wrote:

Give him an inch or two.....you'll never regret forgiveness.

I think that is excellent advice. You will never regret forgiveness! I started in this forum pretty pissed off at my husband for breaking his promise to me not to drink when I was pregant. To "go through that" together. He drank. I yelled. We didnt speak for days. After a couple snarky emails to him about other stuff he said "Look lady, you are not perfect, and Im trying. Give me time to adjust!" I dropeed my guard and was the first to say "Im sorry." He immediately apologized too and since then has been very respectful of his promises and my wishes. I think it is all about dropping your guard at this point.

Just to warn ya, I believe there is nothing more trying on a "marriage" than a new baby. Whether it is the pregnancy, the hormones, the life changes, the lack of sleep, the lack of attention on each other...it can all be very trying on a relationship. They will be the first ones to piss you off!!!!! But, a marriage isnt a testiment of how you work together when things are good, its how you work together when things are hard. And, in theory, a baby should be a product of your love, the ultimate gift you give each other and the world.

I think its cruddy he didnt follow your wishes with telling people. But your reactions after that are your actions alone. And if you can muster up the "bigger person" (flowers and candy help) you will feel so much more empowered than if you sit in anger and resentment. Good luck to you!!!!! You can do it!!! TAWANDA!!!!! (Have you seen Fried Green Tomatoes? lol) Hugs!

greenmylife's picture
Joined: 10/24/11
Posts: 355

Wow, Im terribly dependent on spell check! TYPOS GALORE!!!!!! Oops. Sorry. Smile

kristie_b1's picture
Joined: 03/07/09
Posts: 351

He is being DISRESPECTFUL, SELFISH and IMMATURE. And what bothers me the most is that he doesn't even think he did anything wrong. He justified his actions with comments from his relative (or whoever it was lol). He needs some sense knocked into him.

If my husband blatantly disregarded my wishes and went behind my back, and then justified his actions he'd be couch surfing until he recognized his folly lol.

He should have presented his desires to you and had a mature discussion. You would have taken in what he said, and you guys would have come to a mutual agreement. But instead he went behind your back like a teenager sneaking out of the house while grounded!

kristie_b1's picture
Joined: 03/07/09
Posts: 351

"jubileerose" wrote:

My husband, whom I adore, has never bought me flowers and candy when I'm angry. Sounds like a pretty good apology to me. I'll take it! *raises hand* Smile
At least he's trying. Pregnancy is tough.

"boilermaker" wrote:

Right now he's probably feeling like he can't win-- he apologized. He brought you candy/flowers and you are still really mad.

I've never understood why candy and flowers count as an apology. Candy and flowers are a BRIBE unless a genuine apology is offered with them. He did not offer a genuine apology at that point. Therefore he'd get no credit from me. I'd consider it trying to 'buy me off' which I find insulting.

What you need to do is have another discussion. You each say you're sorry and hope to avoid a situation like this in the future. You each point out where you could improve on your communication and demand-making. And try harder to reach a middle ground, then STICK TO IT (which he didn't do this time). Then you have a fresh clean slate. Everyone said they were sorry.

Minx_Kristi's picture
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261

**lurker

I think you maybe over reacted a little but I'm not justifying what he did. He definately should have respected your wishes..... did you explain to him it was to ensure all was ok with the preg first before letting people know?

I think you should forgive him. Like someone said, it could be worse! You're lucky he cares so much.

My BFF had her DD on Monday and her Dad could not give a cr*p. He wanted her aborted from day one, now that's something to reeeeally p*ss you off.

xx

Love.Grown's picture
Joined: 11/01/11
Posts: 192

Thanks again ladies! Your advice has really helped..

kristie_b1's picture
Joined: 03/07/09
Posts: 351

"Love.Grown" wrote:

First of all, thanks ladies!! All of your advice really helped me to see that in the end, he didn't mean any harm, and that communication really is important, even when we're mad!

Final conclusion, we are both to stubborn for our own good. lol

After two days of sleeping on the couch for him, and soon to be three, he finally came upstairs and asked if we could talk. The first thing he said was, "I don't know why I didn't think it would hurt your feelings, and I really don't know why I thought it was a good idea to ask advice from (his cousins wife). I'm sorry, and I've been trying to figure out a way to say it without sounding like a big jerk".. He went on to explain, without breath practically, that it was just the most exciting thing that has ever happened to him. That every time he gets around people, he cannot help but feel like the news is just going to, "burst out". Then after he told people, he would feel guilty because he knew I wasn't ready to say anything yet.. but for some reason he just couldn't help him self! Promising to not go around people again until I was ready to talk, cause he doesn't trust himself Wink

As he spoke, my 2-3 day 'prem-a-frown' slowly turned into a grin. Somehow him telling everyone and their mother, didn't seem to bug me as much anymore. I wasn't sad about him going behind my back and I wasn't feeling the anger that goes along with that sadness. The pure and genuine joy in his voice, even as he was saying sorry, was just about the cutest thing I've ever seen. Infact, his happiness somehow spread over to me, and now I can't wait to start telling everyone too! Who would have thought?! lol

So I guess, after two years of being together, if this is the biggest fight we've ever had.. then something tells me we are going to be alright.

______________________________________________________________________

Now see if he said all that stuff in the first place everything would have been worked out and fine. He has seen the error of his ways and he promises to do better in the future. And you understand his perspective of things and his excitement. All better. I'm glad he put on his man-boots and asked to talk with you. Biggrin

Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722

so glad he was able to communicate how he felt and that you were able to forgive him. Have fun breaking the news to everyone!