To Green or Not to Green

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akpufa's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 3078
To Green or Not to Green

Sorry this is sort of long....
Okay so you all know I've been battling with DH on whether to stay Team Green or find out. Initially he said he definitely wanted to know, then he said he would let me decide, now he's back to he HAS to find out! I didn't know I felt so strongly about wanting to wait until we started talking about it last night and the thought of finding out at the ultrasound completely bums me out.

DH's solution was just he'll find out and keep it a secret. I told him to think on this for a while and we'll talk about it again - there's a lot to consider doing that! I mean, he could slip up and tell me for one. For two, he refuses to lie to people and say he doesn't know so he'll have to tell people he knows but can't tell. I just don't know if he can do it!

I want that big surprise of what the last member of our family is going to be as long as possible. Plus I love the idea of an extra labor motivator! DH's argument is that he needs to adjust to never having another boy/girl (whatever the baby isn't).

One other suggestion I had was to have the u/s tech write it down and he can find out towards the end of the pregnancy so he can "prepare" or whatever but lessen the chance of my finding out. But it bums me out a little thinking I get the big surprise at delivery and he'll already know. Ahhh sorry I'm driving myself nuts with this...just need some opinions here of whether this is a terrible idea or anyone who knows someone who has done this successfully.

Heatherbella's picture
Joined: 02/14/05
Posts: 4169

SO annoying. Why do DH's have to be so difficult?

For some background here...we are going team Green this time. DH has a daughter from before and it was team green for that...then for our DD we found out...so he has done both ways. I was one of those people who thought I'd never find out...but because of the genetic testing with DD, it was SO easy to find out so we did. We're having the testing this time but I opted not to find out. At DD's birth no one told me 'it's a girl'. After she was on the table, DH taking pics, I had to ask "Is it still a girl". Everyone in the room knew, not me. How annoying. So partially because of that an partially because I want to experience something different, we aren't finding out this time. DH hasn't expressed any care in either way. He seemed surprised when I told him I wasn't finding out but he left it at that.

Ok, so now I'm wondering...did you find out with your other kids??? If so, then why aren't YOU allowed to experience team green? This is your last baby too and understandably the last baby is a bigger deal to the woman.

Also, he has to 'prepare' for this being his last girl or boy...I don't know...that sounds like a co-out to me. You have one of each, right? So this one is just a bonus! For me I wanted at least 1 girl...I have her. Now I'm happy with whatever we get...which is part of why I don't want to know.

Ok, now I'm rambling too. Honestly, I wouldn't like the idea of my DH knowing and not me especially if you know he'll tell others. It's not fair that EVERYONE know but you. Someone will slip.

I think hubby should suck it up. This is YOUR last baby!!!!!

Joined: 08/25/10
Posts: 385

My DH really wants to find out as well. And I am steadfast on waiting. So he says the same thing, that he can find out and not tell me. I told him there is no way in hell he will know and keep it a secret from me. Also, because I hate surprises/secrets when people know. It's not really a surprise that way. It would just piss me off to no end knowing that he knows - and that I don't want to but do. Does that make sense? So too bad hubby, we're waiting!

quonsetmom's picture
Joined: 10/10/12
Posts: 1559

At first i never wanted to find out. With DD i ended up changing my mind because I had a strong feeling she was a girl and didnt want to react badly if she wasnt (tho i dont know if i would have i was nervous about it.) This time i didnt want to find out at first. But Dh wants to sooo badly that i caved. Now i cant wait to see because i have a feeling its a boy. next baby for sure i will be team green and dh knows that. lol

I could never have dh find out and not me, it would bug me to no end.

Momma Leah's picture
Joined: 05/13/12
Posts: 1047

I think there is no way for any DH or BF to know without telling. Whether on purpose or on accident.

elleon17's picture
Joined: 01/26/09
Posts: 1981

I think it would be so difficult for him to keep hat secret. My dad didn't want o know, but we did. It was less than a week before we slipped up and called the baby a he.

LaurenE's picture
Joined: 06/19/10
Posts: 854

Ok, I guess I have a bit of a different take. I wanted to go team green and dh is against it. It is our last baby and I feel like he has as much say as I do. We talked about it, and it's really important to him to find out so I decided to give up on being team green. Yes, it's YOUR last baby, but it's also HIS. I don't mean to offend, but I think it's great he's interested and wants to know. I would much rather have my hubby involved and interested than not caring. I know we have to suffer all if the unpleasantries of pregnancy, but we also get all the privileges. We get to connect, feel their little wiggles, etc. Until the baby is here they have more limited ways to connect and I can see how finding out the sex of the baby can be more important to them. I'm not at all against team green, but I don't think our hubby's should have to go along just because it's what we want. Truly hope this wasn't offensive! Just my two cents! Smile

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

We went team green with DS2 only because that is what I wanted. DH didn't give me much trouble about it though so I was lucky there. I agree with Adina...I would not have him knowing and not telling me b/c to me that would ruin the surprise for me even if he was able to keep the secret. I told DH that when I told him I wanted to wait, it had to be all or nothing. If I don't know, I don't want anyone else knowing either. In my mind, that just isn't right. My DH said if it was solely up to him we would find out but it wasn't so big a deal and he would let me have my surprise. I also agree with Heather about him wanting to prepare...you already have a boy and a girl, he'll be fine. IDK, it's so hard when mom and dad are in adamant disagreement but IMHO he should let you have what you want with this. I think I would nicely put my foot down and beg him to give you this one surprise. Good luck!

ETA: I didn't see Lauren's post before I posted...many good points and perspective. I am very much an advocate for both parties feelings being valid. I struggle with how to deal with these situations where one of the 2 can not have what they want in order for the other to get what they want. To me it comes down to how it affects the realationship and the individuals long term. For example, DH and I have been struggling over whether we have baby #3 or stop at 2. Back at the beginning of our relationship we both agreed 2 maybe 3 and we would evaluate after 2. When we got to that point he was happy with 2 I wanted 3. How do you compromise on that? Ultimately it came down to he loves me and is giving me what I want but I wouldn't have asked him to do that if I knew he would not love this child the same or there would be some sort of resentment. In evaluating how we both feel I'm confident it's much more likely that 5 yrs down the road if we have 3 he will love that child and not regret the decision b/c at that point he won't be able to imagine it any different, however, if we didn't I could very easily see me having trouble getting past not getting the opportunity due to his desires. IDK, obviously I get what I want in that example so I'm sure I am biased but DH seemed to agree with his ultimate decision...and here we are expecting #3. So the whole point in that rambling story is to say you have to come to some reconciliation based on who would be most negatively affected by each path and go with the best possible outcome even though one has to give in. Sorry it's so tough. but again I say :goodluck:

Joined: 06/08/08
Posts: 498

I agree with Heather and the other girls. I think it's almost an impossible secret to keep. And I feel if you really want to have that joy of the surprise and this is your last chance, then you should go for it! You are doing all the hard work baking the baby and you should have the chance to decide once. Good luck convincing DH Wink

blondiess4u's picture
Joined: 11/08/07
Posts: 1450

Sorry your going through this. It is never fun to disagree!

My DH wants to find out too but said since I am carrying the baby I get to choose of we find out or not. He is completely on board now.
So... we are Team Green!

Heatherbella's picture
Joined: 02/14/05
Posts: 4169

"LaurenE" wrote:

Ok, I guess I have a bit of a different take. I wanted to go team green and dh is against it. It is our last baby and I feel like he has as much say as I do. We talked about it, and it's really important to him to find out so I decided to give up on being team green. Yes, it's YOUR last baby, but it's also HIS. I don't mean to offend, but I think it's great he's interested and wants to know. I would much rather have my hubby involved and interested than not caring. I know we have to suffer all if the unpleasantries of pregnancy, but we also get all the privileges. We get to connect, feel their little wiggles, etc. Until the baby is here they have more limited ways to connect and I can see how finding out the sex of the baby can be more important to them. I'm not at all against team green, but I don't think our hubby's should have to go along just because it's what we want. Truly hope this wasn't offensive! Just my two cents! Smile

I hear what you're saying. There are so many factors that come into play. I think whether or not you have found out in past pregnancies weigh heavy into this.

Joined: 10/12/04
Posts: 961

I would honor my hubby's wishes and I'll tell you why. We get to bond with baby before birth regardless. But for my hubby, he doesn't feel that. It's not his body. He has no real way to begin that bond. Until he knows the sex. We usually call the baby by its name immediately from the ultrasound. "Tori kept me up all night kicking." "Lucas thinks we should have dinner at Pizza Hut." Smile It really helps my hubby feeling more a part of things.

akpufa's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 3078

I appreciate all the comments made...gives me some food for thought both ways. To answer Heather's question, YES we did find out with our other two. With our first, it was a no brainer - we both desperately wanted to know. With our second, I mentally toyed around with the idea of waiting, but we both were hoping for a boy since we weren't sold on having a 3rd yet (although a girl would have been great too! A healthy baby is 100% most important to us). Plus we had zero gender neutral clothes so we easily agreed on that one too. But now we have both genders, all the clothes for the right seasons, etc. it just seems like there's no reason to really find out.

We are both thinking on it ATM and will talk about it more in a week or two and make a decision. We definitely aren't the kind of couple to go behind each other's back or make a "my way or the highway" decision so I'm sure we'll come to some sort of agreement that we can both be at least satisfied with.

Heatherbella's picture
Joined: 02/14/05
Posts: 4169

Oh, I had another thought...when a baby comes home...how is a boy different from a girl apart from the clothes? Since you have all the clothes, that's not really an issue.

Personally, I'm about experiencing different things in life. With DD we found out her sex at 13 weeks and had a c-section. This time I'm hoping for a v-bac and staying team green. I feel like I want to know what it's like to do things a bit differently this time.

We have LOADS of girl clothes but no boy, so I'm going to pick up or borrow some boy sleepers before baby comes...that way we'll have a few things for the first few days if we do get a boy. No big deal.