Hello... I'm terrified

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Khafnerrn's picture
Joined: 11/04/12
Posts: 23
Hello... I'm terrified

Hi yas. I'm Kristine, first time pregnancy. I was told I was infertile with my ex, so this has been quite the emotional roller coaster. I wanted kids, but in the future when I was done traveling and selfishly spending money and using my own time, and I was planning on adopting older more self sufficient kids.
I've only been with my boyfriend 3months and he is supporting me, but he isn't really quite sure how involved he wants to be. We're taking this day by day and emotion by emotion. And he is being very supportive despite his own hesitations.
Please don't judge me... If abortion was even the smallest possibility for me I don't know that I'd follow through on the pregnancy... But it's not for me. I was a runner... I can't really do that bc I get sick when I run, and keep blacking out, plus my pace has slowed by over 2minutes a mile. I feel like there's nothing but a list of foods I can't eat and what I can eat I just feel sick... Except hot pockets. Can't live on them.
I love my nieces, I love kids. But I also love my freedom. I'm a pediatric ICU nurse so all I can imagine is all the defects that my kid can be born with, the complications, the horrors, because frankly its all I see.

.... Venting helped a little.... Keep in mind I'm at work writing this, and crying naturally... And I still haven't told anyone here. Just not ready to tell people when I don't know where I stand on it.

Is this normal? I feel like nothing is normal anymore....

PatienceW's picture
Joined: 08/06/08
Posts: 857

:bigarmhug: Emotions are going to be all over hte place right now. Esp when you weren't expecting to be pregnant. Being a first time mom is scary. With your job you see the worst of the worst and I can imagine how that scares you. Take a walk to the maternity area and the nursery where there are tons of perfectly healthy babies! If hot pockets work, eat them. as you get farther along the sickness usually goes away. until then try peppermints, jolly ranchers..whatever helps ease the sick feeling. Take a breath and try to relax! Is there maybe ONE person in real life.. maybe even at work that you can trust to share with despite not knowing where you stand? Hang in there!

StarShine65712's picture
Joined: 08/15/09
Posts: 335

You can always rant here!! I wish there was more to say... That would make u feel better.

Heatherbella's picture
Joined: 02/14/05
Posts: 4169

Hi Kristine,

Sorry you're having so many emotions that you don't know how to handle...but yes, it sounds pretty normal to me. Pregnancy is a new experience for you and with it comes a lot of new feelings. Be pregnant affects your entire life, it's not just that you have a baby growing in you. You have more hormones in your body, so you will be more emotional about EVERYTHING. Also, because you are growing a human, your body changes SO much. It is no longer the body you have been used to. Things will feel different every day.

As for the food, if you're in your first trimester, it's very normal to not want to eat anything except 1 or two things. I bought some pizza pockets last week and it's all I wanted to eat too. I forced myself to eat other things, but sometime I just wanted a pizza pocket...or soup, I'm on a soup kick right now. You'll probably find in a week or so your food 'wants' will change.

I'm sorry to hear that this came at such an early stage in your relationship with you BF. I am glad, however, that he's still being supportive. That's great. I'm sure it's a very emotional time for both of you. How old are you two if you don't mind me asking? If you are a pediatric ICU nurse you must be in your 20s at least.

As for the complications and stuff that children can be born with, I think that's in the back of everyone's mind while they are pregnant. How can it not be? That being said, some people are more of the 'worrier' type than others...so they do become more consumed by this sort of thing. Just remember that worrying about your child is normal. That's what makes you a caring mother! We all want the best for our kids.

Have you been to a doctor yet? Are you taking pre-natal vitamins? Seeing a doctor would probably be a good idea given your issues with blacking out. It sounds to me like you might be trying to burn calories you don't have since you aren't really feeling like eating. I'm not runner, so I can't really speak to that but please be careful. Smile

So yes, in short, you're totally normal...as normal as a crazy pregnant woman CAN be...and we're all in it with you here. I've been feeling a bit crazy over here too. *hugs*

FourMaybeMore's picture
Joined: 03/09/12
Posts: 724

Everything you said is normal. Motherhood is the best decision you could ever make, IMO :bigarmhug:

Joined: 10/29/12
Posts: 41

I have a saying, you can plan all you want but things happen when they want. It's hard to lose all control of your life and all those emotions and the hormones do not help. Take it one day at a time.

Khafnerrn's picture
Joined: 11/04/12
Posts: 23

Thanks everyone. I definitely think working here as messed with my head a bit. Quite a few people know in real life but its kinda late and I didn't want to bug anyone and my boyfriend is on vaca. I told him I want him to be the one I share everything but I was really afraid to share this one. He's got spotty service so we've just had a few texts, but he's actually being very encouraging and uplifting, no offense to him but not what I was anticipating.
It's amazing how different I feel just a few hours later. Thank you all so much. Not just for listening but for not judging.
And yes. I have a doctor and I adore him. He does transvaginal ultrasounds until the heart is audible, so I've already seen the little booger 2x.

nidia's picture
Joined: 06/08/07
Posts: 1812

All you're experiencing is very normal! It does help to vent and talk to others going through some of the same things.

I too am a runner and haven't been able to run since I first found out for a few reasons especially nausea and exhaustion. You will start getting your energy back in the second trimester though and feeling better! Definitely something to look forward to as you're getting close to that!

Glad you have a supportive bf. I know when baby is born you will be so overjoyed and be in love!! Wishing you a happy 9 months!!

tink9702's picture
Joined: 09/28/08
Posts: 2977

awww *hugs* pregnancy is a crazy time in any woman's life! I'm so glad your BF is being supportive. that is huge!

And we all worry about if our babies will be okay. It's the first step of being a mommy! I do think where you work influences your worries though!

Do be careful about running too much/too fast. take it down a notch and run like you just had a race the day before - one of those easy days!

Lastly - just because it hasn't been mentioned - you could consider putting the baby up for adoption if you really aren't ready to begin a family.

Hang in there hon, it will all work out in the end!

angelover02740's picture
Joined: 07/10/07
Posts: 1342

im glad your feeling better, hormones can play a crazy part in our lives and as long as you have positive people in your life it will help see through all those emotions. hang in there girl, it will get better and i promise you when you start feeling that little one kick inside you, its a feeling that is soooo amazing.

quonsetmom's picture
Joined: 10/10/12
Posts: 1559

When i found out i was pg with my DD I freaked too at first. My now husband had just proposed and I was on Birth Control and we used protections so it was a shock. We had just seen a doc who said we went and two weeks later it was positive. After it sank in I was excited. I agree that we can be your sounding board on everything and we are here for you.

terpmama's picture
Joined: 05/31/08
Posts: 78

You've gotten some great advice.... I was terrified with baby two (had some issues with baby 1 - tho he's fine now), it gets better! Best advice I have is oatmeal scotchies, the recipe is on the nestle butterscotch morsels bag. They are a life saver for nausea!

MJDttc's picture
Joined: 08/12/12
Posts: 1117

Hi and welcome!

I understand completely how you feel, DS was an unplanned pregnancy also, and I hadn't been with DH that long either. It takes a long time to get used to the idea of being a parent, and all of your emotions are completely valid. Working in Peds ICU (great profession btw) is tough even when you aren't pregnant but with the surge of hormones and wondering what ifs. You are already seeing a doctor so that is great, I imagine you are doing everything you can be doing to keep yourself and the baby healthy, and that is all you can do.

Just so long as you are taking your prenantals along with the Hot Pockets you should be fine! Eventually the food aversions will let up some and you will be able to eat more varieties of foods.

elleon17's picture
Joined: 01/26/09
Posts: 1981

:bigarmhug:

I was very similar position to you with my first. These boards were my sanity and comfort. We r here for you through this journey. Smile

.hilary.'s picture
Joined: 01/31/10
Posts: 1505

You've already gotten lots of great advice so I won't add much. But I know the terrifying feeling, I am on baby #2 and it is a BIG unplanned surprise, and my kids will be 18 months apart when we weren't even planning to try until DD was at least 2. I am terrified every day! Smile It all works out in the end though.

And it is rough with a job like that. My last job took me to the NICU for a day when I was about 32 weeks along and it was utterly heartbreaking and totally terrifying. I can't imagine going through that every day. I agree, the advice to go down to the maternity ward and see some cute and chubby babes that are healthy is great! Hang out here with us too Smile

Joined: 10/17/12
Posts: 62

Hey there!! When my DH and I had been dating about 4 months, I found out I was pregnant, too. Unfortunately we lost that one, but I kinda know how shocking it is!! It'll be ok....as for being a Ped ICU nurse, my son was born at 31 weeks, and spent 7 weeks in NICU, and knowing what I saw, I can't image everything you've seen, so being terrified would be expected. Just take care of you, and everything should be fine. Smile

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

Congratulations! I'm glad you found us and I hope you hang around enough for us to get to know you, Smile

It's totally normal to feel the way you do. I haven't had such a big surprise from pregnancy so I can only imagine how you are feeling there but pregnancy itself makes you feel crazy. The first trimester is especially tough even without the aspects you are dealing with. It's a huge roller coaster of emotions and while I love the anticipation of the baby to come I will be the first to tell you the rest of the actually being pregnant is miserable in the first trimester. The nausea and vomiting can be debilitating and this little one growing inside of you is really having the effects of catching some sort of parasite. It gets much better later on once you can feel baby moving. A life change is always terrifying on the anticipation side...especially when it's not anything you envisioned or planned on. However, when you get there and get settled in to the new reality it's often something you can't imagine not experiencing. I also agree with PP that adoption is a great option to consider. Good luck with whatever you decide and with everything as you go through this. :bigarmhug:

LaurenE's picture
Joined: 06/19/10
Posts: 854

Yep, I'll just second everyone else and offer hugs, lol. You know how they say, "all is fair in love and war"? They should add pregnancy to that. Just saying.

momto3toB's picture
Joined: 08/27/10
Posts: 113

You've gotten some great advice on here and I don't have anything to add, but I wanted to say welcome and offer my support.

Joined: 06/08/08
Posts: 498

I totally understand how you feel! I also work in the PICU which is a terrifying job especially when you become a mom! You see the worst of the worst but also so many rewarding miracles happen too! just try and remember that what we do is the minority of children. That's why what we do is a specialization. I know it's really hard to seperate work from personal life and I think about so many things that could go wrong everyday! What you are feeling is normal! From one PICU nurse to another I'm sending you a hug! I get it and everything will be ok Wink

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