Rant/Venting- this is long.

9 posts / 0 new
Last post
Khafnerrn's picture
Joined: 11/04/12
Posts: 23
Rant/Venting- this is long.

So, my boyfriend started texting me thurs night and discussing name ideas. I was playing along, and when he threw out using his last name, ONLY, I then threw out a name idea with using my last name, ONLY. That catapulted into a HUGE fight. I will acknowledge I should not have brought it up via text, even though it is a discussion I wanted to have with him. We are not married, nor do I ever want to get married. But I never had any issues with us hyphenating her name. He has been wishy-washy with his commitment to us... and any commitment he has has been vocalized vs actually showing me. I.e.- he doesn't show up to any appts, or discuss nursery ideas with me, or even when I start discussing babysitting/nanny/day care ideas, he continues to state how hes not gonna watch her. I am a jovial/joking person... however at some point I need someone to STOP joking and just answer the question. So either he's serious, or has no ability to answer the damn question. I did point out that HE has his mother's maiden name, of which she no longer has. His response "my dad is a piece of ****. or maybe he wasn't and when he heard I wouldn't get his name he disappeared. I can SOOOOO relate to that."
Anyway. In the midst of the argument, I try to explain that I'm just concerned of his commitment... to which he just keeps responding "i don't care." I apologize, I plead for him to talk to me... and no matter what I say... his only response is "i don't care." So... he stops speaking to me all together that night... At around 7am I see a fb post- he is POLLING HIS FRIENDS. Keep in mind, we've been together 6months, and he has yet to mention me or put a picture of me at all on his page... the majority of his friends didn't know I existed let alone the baby. So, he polls it, I'm made to look like a villian and of course he doesn't defend me in anyway. And, when asked, he said he's 99% sure its his. Maybe 99% works for some people, but excuse my language... **** THAT. You either BELIEVE that it's your kid or you don't. And keep in mind, he has already asked if its his. Despite my anger and humiliation, I chose to not respond to any of the fb comments. He finally gets around to texting me Friday night, telling me I better reconsider the last name, and that people agree with him. I tell him I just want to have a conversation, and then I discuss how hurt I am bc of the fb post and him saying he's only 99% sure. He pretty much hasn't responded after after, bc as he put it "i don't think i did anything wrong". Haven't heard one thing from him all weekend... and then tonight he decided he wanted to talk. Well- I'm working.
I love him, and I would LOVE to figure this out. While he's been silent... I've been building up a case and I'm getting increasingly angry and hurt but also incredibly sad and depressed... not just his commitment to our girl, but to me, our relationship, and my family. I have no idea how to get past this... I don't know that we can. I know that for ME- this is no longer ok. It's not ok to insult me publically, treat me poorly, and expect me to stick around. However, I also immediately feel bad for our girl. She's innocent... she's perfect. And I don't know if her dad gives a **** about her. Of course I know that its better to have NO dad that a really ****ty one. But I can't imagine life without a dad in it- my dad was amazing and loving.
I'm hoping he will come over tomorrow (Monday) evening. I can say that based on his actions from this week, theres no way at all I'm hyphenating her name. She'll be born a Hafner. How dare he threaten to bail on us bc he's mad.. before me and him can even TALK... and while refusing to talk to me post that **** on fb.
Anyway. That's my rant. I need to spill it somewhere and I won't do it on fb.
Any suggestions? Ideas?

Kier's picture
Joined: 03/12/12
Posts: 1973


Sorry, I happened upon your post and thought that I should comment. I havent personally been in your situation, but I have been there for a couple of friends that have. First off, it sounds to me like hes looking for an excuse to bail. If he really truly wanted to be in your little girl's life, he would be. End of story. If whether or not to hyphenate your last names together would cause him to bail is rediculus. I have seen what having a on again off again father has done to my friends's kids lives, as well as people I grew up with, and I can say that its better if he goes now, and for good, than to wait. I totally understand you being upset, and loving him and so on... but you yourself said that you dont see yourself marrying him. And, if he can sit there and treat you that way... ignoring you like hes a 12 year old, only mentioning you and the baby when its convenient, and so on... thats not love. Thats a little boy who cant grow the F up. You and your little girl deserve better.

I would sit down and tell him that hes either all in or hes out. That you arent going to have a here and gone father for your child. That you are basically doing this on your own any way, so having him not there at all isnt that big of a loss. Make sure he knows that even if hes not there physically supporting his child, you will still expect him to financially support her. That you will obviously go after him for child support as that is his legal obligation. You cant keep him there if he doesnt want to be. And if he says he does want to be in your baby's life tell him its time for him to step up now. Prove it to you. That from here on out he needs to make that baby a priority. He needs to be there for all the rest of the OB appointments. No excuses. Work schedules can be changed. He needs to help you get anything you will need for the baby. That means going shopping with you, registering (if thats something that you are going to do), and chip in for whatever. I personally suggest that if he cant do those things, and is just going to stress you out, to not allow him in the delivery room. The delivery room is YOUR domain. And you can have, or keep out, anyone you want. And, let him know that.

I know this all may sound harsh, but in the end you will be glad you did it now. Hang in there, and stick to your guns. And remember, you can do this... with or without him... and that you and that baby deserve way better than what you are getting from him.

ps. Biology doesnt make a man a father. Just because her biological dad isnt there doesnt mean she wont grow up with a father in her life Wink

quonsetmom's picture
Joined: 10/10/12
Posts: 1559

Im sorry to hear about this. He sounds very immature. i hope he steps it up and apologizes, and doesn't drag it out. I hope it all works out for the best in the end. We are here for you to vent anytime you need to. :bigarmhug::bigarmhug:

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

((hugs)) This is a tough situation...I'm sorry he is not working with you to get through it. I agree with pp that it's time to tell him in no uncertain terms what would be appropriate behavior from him to be in your lives. I also fully agree his recent behavior is completely childish and unacceptable. This is an adult situation and he needs to step up and face the discussion as an adult. My biggest hang up right now would probably be his position that he's done nothing wrong. Really!?! I have never been a drama person and going FB public like that is doing nothing but stirring up drama, especially how it sounds that he misrepresented you, and reminds me of high school behavior. I'm sure this isn't real for him yet...and probably won't be before the baby is here, especially since he had attended no appointments. But that's no excuse for his behavior just keep it in mind. Ultimately you have to sort through this and decide what you feel he is really willing to do...if he continues to refuse to really discuss the issues with you and act as though he's done nothing wrong...I think you have your answer.

Sorry this is rambling and not complete, I have 2 kiddos I must give some attention right now. Had them distracted for a bit but my times up. Just wanted to say good luck and please feel free to vent here whenever you need to. I hope you can find the support you need while working through things.

angelover02740's picture
Joined: 07/10/07
Posts: 1342

At first when i started reading i was with him about giving your daugther his name but then reading more into the situations does he really deserve that? he doesnt seem to want to be part of your life nor your daughters, does he understand you NEVER want to get married? and is he ok with this? I think if the situations was different i would suggest giving her his last name but he needs to grow up and step up and be a dad/boyfriend. you need him right now and i dont think he is being very supportive. I've told some of my family members that have some dead beat dads for there kids, its better for the father to be out of there lives completely then in and out when they feel like it. I think its worse on the children when they see there father come by 2x's a year when its convenient for them

i hope the situation gets better, if he wants his name then he needs to prove to you he's in this for the long run

gardenbug's picture
Joined: 03/12/07
Posts: 2025

You have some very good responses here.
Having fun times is very different from a strong lifetime commitment. Sounds like your young man is not ready for responsibility or for commitment. That won't change quickly. Perhaps in the future when you have both matured, you will be ready for a hyphenated last name. The idea of a relationship and parenthood being based on a Facebook stupidity boggles the mind. The bickering and squabbles of daily life would be beyond belief for you both at this stage. I say WAIT and GROW!

Khafnerrn's picture
Joined: 11/04/12
Posts: 23

Thanks everyone for your support. We were supposed to have dinner Monday night. At 730pm he texts me and said he's tired and wants some "me time." Keep in mind sunday and monday are his days off, and we already pushed back lunch bc he needed a nap. So he didn't come over. He just kept texting me to not stress about the name, and we have 5months to figure her name out. I wish he could realize the name was the metaphor/symbolism for my lack of trust in his commitment and dedication to us. So... I don't want to be childish or rude... But if he wants alone time he can have it. I have no intention on texting him or returning phone calls... Not unless it has to do with the baby. And not until he is ready to talk.
And I should clarify that it's not just him I won't marry, it's anyone. I've been married, I don't personally see the point in it and don't have the desire to go down that road again. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with Favian, to be a family with him. But I can't raise 2 kids so he needs to grow up.
Also, I've been talking to people at work regarding child support and they have actually encouraged me to NOT seek support. Being a nurse comes with quite a few luxuries... One being only working 3 days a week... The other is that I live a very comfortable life style. I am well aware a child is expensive. But I don't want someone who is not committed to his child to be get a say in school or medical decisions.
Thanks again everyone!!

Joined: 08/25/10
Posts: 385

Well, obviously the best thing is if you can work it out. But I expect a lot from husbands and fathers, and don't have patience for those that don't seem to want to be them. I think the best thing is to know that you will be able to provide a safe, stable loving environment whether that be with one or two parents. And I agree that if you can afford to, it would be better to cut ties completely if you are the primary caregiver, and he doesn't have interest in "watching her" or "babysitting". You're not allowed to call it babysitting when it's your own darn child! I think the medical and school decisions thing is BANG on!

elleon17's picture
Joined: 01/26/09
Posts: 1981

So I was in a similar position/argument with DH at the time I was pregnant with DS (very short backstory....we'd been together 4 years, broke up for the umpteenth time and I found out I was pregnant. We did not get back together till I was around 4 months because of issues like this)

Ok, so we had the argument and I felt like you did. I didn't know if it was going to work out, how involved he was going to be, etc. Thankfully he didn't resort to FB, but he did consult friends which pissed me off. He was hot and cold with his support at first. I bluntly told him that the decision of the last name of our son was MY choice and that my decision would reflect his particpation and dedication to this child.

It wasn't all roses from that point, but he did mature of the course of the pregnancy and was there for me more and more. I wanted to know that we might work before I gave my son a last name different from mine. That was important to me. (Actually I did end up giving my son my maiden name as a second middle name and until we married my mother insisted that his last name was hyphenated, lol!)

This is hard and you will work through it, but remember it is not a decision that needs to be made today. You have time. Take a deep breath and concentrate on that little girl. I promise it will all work out for the best in the end.