Spanking, Why, When, How? :(

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Heatherbella's picture
Joined: 02/14/05
Posts: 4169
Spanking, Why, When, How? :(

A friend on another board posted a link to this blog post that is very sad and eye opening. Wow, I knew that child abuse went on but to read about the abused talking about it in this way really upset me. I couldn't help but think of my DD in the position of the woman writing the letter. How terrible.

The woman's parents were friends of the author of this book:

Amazon.ca: Customer Reviews: Spanking, Why, When, How?

And here is a letter she wrote to the author....so sad and a sharp reminder of how I don't want to raise my daughter AT ALL. Sad

peaceful parenting: How Spanking Changed My Life

Joined: 03/07/05
Posts: 1595

FWIW, I absolutely do believe in spanking as a form of discipline, BUT that is absolutely child abuse!!! There should never be a mark left on the child's body. Clothing changes hurt... Sad And of course (as is with any method of correcting a child or discipline) it should never be done in anger. If you're angry, YOU need a time out, and then come back and deal with the situation.

ILoveMyMiniMe's picture
Joined: 12/11/03
Posts: 2333

I can't even open the link.. my gut is rolling at the thought. Sad

I was horrifically abused as a child growing up. A simple fact I have to live with.. but certainly not one I have to pass on! In my mind, there is a solid, firm belief that spanking has a place in this world.. but based on my experiences, it's a last resort.. a shock factor. When you overuse something, it's value degrades. Like an alcoholic or drug user.. the more you use it, the more you need over time for an effect.

Children are a challenge - you're creating a responsible, mature, loving individual from the tiniest of seeds! Talk about a miracle!!! Of course it's going to be hard. One of the hardest things you'll ever do! But the most rewarding...

When a child is all grown and says.. "Thanks, mom.. for everything.. " it should include the warm fuzzy feeling, not one of regret.

Heatherbella's picture
Joined: 02/14/05
Posts: 4169

I was spanked as a child and although I don't plan to spank my daughter, I don't think it harmed me. That said, nothing I went through ever rivaled what this kid had to deal with.

This case is WAY more extreme and definitely bridges into abuse. Spanking a 6 month old for crying in her crib? Really? How do you sleep at night people? Spanking a small child for writing letters backwards? Really? I'm pretty sure that is a normal learning phase for all children! Then to later discover the child is in fact dyslexic. Wow.

It seems to me like this is abuse, plain and simple, but that they are trying to make themselves feel better by calling it spanking.

ILoveMyMiniMe's picture
Joined: 12/11/03
Posts: 2333

I think discipline / spanking is for actions that are controlled - you lied to me and you knew better. You manipulated mom or dad for something you wanted after it was clearly already decided.. not for normal things that defines the learning process. Sad

That is sad.. Sad

quonsetmom's picture
Joined: 10/10/12
Posts: 1559

"Heatherbella" wrote:

Spanking a small child for writing letters backwards? Really? I'm pretty sure that is a normal learning phase for all children! Then to later discover the child is in fact dyslexic. Wow.

Speaking from my degree in Early Childhood Special Education, it is a phase kids go through. I also cant open the article because im too nervous to read it. I have decided not to make myself sad at things out of my control, or look at sad things (lots of posts lately about animal abuse). I dont know yet how i feel about spanking, but would use it for dangerous situations like repeatedly running in the road. Not hard but to shock them i guess. I just dont know .

akpufa's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 3078

I can't bring myself to read all of it. Too sad. I do not believe in spanking for my family but also follow the "to each their own" philosophy as long as its appropriate and not venting your own anger. I was spanked twice as a child (once for cutting my hair all off and can't remember the other time) and yet I was more afraid of other punishments like losing privileges. But again what works for me isn't necessarily the "right way" just the way we handle it.

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

I also feel spanking can be utilized as a valid form of child discipline. I think pretty much any form of discipline can become child abuse when misused by a parent / guardian. Correcting and disciplining children is a very challenging thing and there can also be lots of emotions that come into play. I fully agree it should never be done in anger...no matter the type of discipline being applied...and I also try to remind myself the point of correcting/disciplining my child is because I love them and don't want to allow them to develop behaviors that will ultimately be harmful to themselves. So it should be done out of love...firm, but loving.

FYI, I didn't read the link yet either.

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

I just read the first portion of this poor ladies response to the spankings she was raised under. I feel I must say that one of the biggest issues with the "spanking debate" is what people actually mean when they use the word spank. What is defined in this article as spanking is absolutely abuse IMHO and is not at all what I mean or think others mean when I use or hear this word. It should never leave a mark or ongoing pain.

I think another big issue this article brings up that is not related to spanking specifically just generally when and what to discipline. There are so many examples of times when not to punish a child in her letter. I would never discipline a 6 month old for cying in their bed...or a 4 yr old for randomly cying when they were to be taking a nap. It seems no adults around this poor child took any care to attempt to understand a child's feelings and help them learn to cope or deal with the difficulties and confusions of life growing up. It makes me so very sad to think of any child having to go through this type of environment.

I could ramble on and on but I'll stop here. Wink Mostly just wanted to say that a spanking I would see as appropriate is nothing like described in this letter. I would call the officials on a parent I witnessed doing something like described.

Joined: 03/07/05
Posts: 1595

Lynn, yes, I have to agree that the big issue with the spanking debate is that there are so many things that people label "spanking" and in fact, it is anything but!! I think we have all seen or even maybe experienced a parent/gardian in anger scream at a child and then proceed to "hit" the child... that's makes everyone's stomach churn!

In my mind spanking is used for outright defiance. I told you no, and you just did it anyway type of thing.

Joined: 03/07/05
Posts: 1595

Oh, and I have to also say that I'm glad there hasn't been any "attacking" on this thread. Bringing up the topic of spanking can spur quite some dedates. Regardless of how we all choose to discipline our children, I'm glad there hasn't seemed to be a "one side attacking another" type thing going on here.

Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

I was just thinking the same thing - everyone has voiced their opinion, but no one has said "my opinion is right and the only one". I think that just shows what a great group of ladies we have on this website. Smile
As far as my two cents: I grew up with parents that *did* spank, but I hardly ever got spanked (my mom said twice) because I was a very good little kid. I don't agree with hitting as a form of discipline, but I do agree with spanking, if that makes any sense at all. But like a few of you have mentioned: If I'm angry, I'd need to calm down first. That's the same thing with verbal abuse: If you're mad, it's going to come out worse. However, some of the things mentioned in that letter are just downright abusive. It's sad to read, especially since *now* the father is upset about how he has affected his daughters adult life.

PatienceW's picture
Joined: 08/06/08
Posts: 857

"pollo_la" wrote:

Oh, and I have to also say that I'm glad there hasn't been any "attacking" on this thread. Bringing up the topic of spanking can spur quite some dedates. Regardless of how we all choose to discipline our children, I'm glad there hasn't seemed to be a "one side attacking another" type thing going on here.

I too was glad to see that there hadn't been any attacking. I almost didnt read this thread because that is usually what happens.

I also did not click the link. I am too emotional today to even begin to read something like that. I was spanked as a child and so were my brothers. I was often spanked for things I did NOT do, (and my brothers just lied and said I did) and at times for things I did in fact do. I have no issues because of it. i do spank my son, but I also wholeheartedly feel there is a difference in spanking and abuse. There are times time out does not work for him, and there are times that he does need a spanking. Usually it is for an outright defiance. and when he needs to remember. (example, he reached for the stove and was told not to. multiple times. He continued to do it we contineud to say no.. and finally he got spanked. he now avoids the stove. same for running into the street/in a parking lot etc ) I feel that everyone has a right to their opinion, but I also feel that at times this is what works for us.

LaurenE's picture
Joined: 06/19/10
Posts: 854

My ex husband used to use a similar book to discipline our kids -after our divorce, mind you.

To Train Up a Child: Turning the hearts of the fathers to the children: Michael Pearl, Debi Pearl: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

He left marks on my kids, I called CPS and the "chatted" with him, but that was it. Thankfully, he's decided to take the absentee father approach while occassionally jumping in and buying them crap they don't need before disappearing for another 6+ months.

By the way, I'm not anti a swat on the toosh style spanking for defiance or dangerous situations either, but he hit my kids with hangers, wooden spoons, and "switches" against their naked behinds and left straight line whelps and bruises on their little behinds and thighs. Words cannot explain what I would have liked to do to him in return.

angelover02740's picture
Joined: 07/10/07
Posts: 1342

i read the article and cried, very sad think what she was feeling during these spanking. I was spanked here and there as a child, my parents never spanked me with sticks or on my bare butt. i dont think it affected me as a child or as an adult. I very rarely and i mean very rarely spank my son his first punishment is time out and that usually does the trick and i always give him 2 warnings and usually by the 2nd he has made the right decision. my DH is quick to give him time out and i always try to tell him give him a chance to make the right choice before punishing him. that is very sad that parents would really follow a man that claims to be so churchly in his ritual of abuse. That just makes me think how brained washed in there religion they truely are