10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes

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meggzoe's picture
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 07/09/08
Posts: 2
10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes

i wrote this one morning......(but it explains it ....kinda)

It started with a kiss
became much more.

At first thought, the fear
of disapproval and faulty timing inavaded my thoughts,
damn that little pink plus
Minutes, hrs...

To the clinic i sped
unable to clear the thoughts, i began to cry
realising quickly what was now to be my life,

all the 'girls'
were being tormented
by these little people.

Their ridiculous form i fill
'sexual history'
with complete honesty
signed and returned

2 hrs later
my fears confirmed
7 weeks gestation he said...
pullin out my datebook, i check and recheck

We talked (or argued) forever
but my decision was made
U thought it unfair....
but i always gave u a choice!

So u stayed....

3 weeks later unable to eat or drink or move
regurgitating everything
my depression set in

My dr visits became more regular
once a month
my weight decreased, but breasts and belly engorged

this thing
was eating me alive
sucking me dry

My skin and hair gave up
so did my muscles
unable to button my jeans, swollen feet
constant uneasiness

I missed going out and walking around
our conversations of the past and
of a different future.

Ring Ring...
it was the dr's office
strange test results
sent to a specialist....2 hrs away...

Oct 8th, 2008
amniocentesis and 3D ultrasound

i layed there and watched the screen
and ur heartbeat came through the speaker
I saw the smile in his eyes
and knew it.....

the tech said, "do u want to know"
"it's a boy"
the excitement in his face
was all i needed.

we were going to be fine.

But something wasnt right...
Anencephaly the specialist explained
unable to move or breathe....

he held me
but no tears fell
he began to cry but i begged him to stop.

Finally the man in him appeared
and he dried his eyes
while i lay in disbelief....

I'm sorry my son.
a decision was to be made

October 18th, 2008
my termination began...already 23 weeks along

Induced at 7:30 a and birthed at 8:45pm
The morphine did nothing
greatest pain so far

I watched u
eyes shut, heart still
My son,
U looked perfect to me
10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes.

Only then a single tear rolled down my cheek.

I wish i could have known u
but no other choice i had
nothing could have helped,
it just wasnt meant to be

How will i go on without u here
I see babies all the time
the anger builds
it just wasnt fair...

I stare at ur picture
grey and black
and i see u in my dreams
u haunt my thoughts
but i did care

So did he....
how i wish ...ur face again
i could see...


Last seen: 2 years 10 months ago
Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs, what a beautiful poem. My heart hurts for you.

woooaaahhhh's picture
Last seen: 4 years 7 months ago
Joined: 04/18/07
Posts: 61

That is beautiful.

"I wish i could have known u"
That exactly sums up my feelings about my son.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm sorry any of us do. There are people reading this that arent able to put all of their feelings into words, so for that, I thank you.

Last seen: 1 year 8 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Sending hugs.

Last seen: 1 year 8 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

that is wonderfully written sending you many hugs,


butterflykissesx6's picture
Last seen: 3 years 4 months ago
Joined: 06/28/07
Posts: 509

Absolutely beautiful..........