10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes
i wrote this one morning......(but it explains it ....kinda)
It started with a kiss
became much more.
At first thought, the fear
of disapproval and faulty timing inavaded my thoughts,
damn that little pink plus
Minutes, hrs...
To the clinic i sped
unable to clear the thoughts, i began to cry
realising quickly what was now to be my life,
all the 'girls'
were being tormented
by these little people.
Their ridiculous form i fill
'sexual history'
with complete honesty
signed and returned
2 hrs later
my fears confirmed
7 weeks gestation he said...
pullin out my datebook, i check and recheck
We talked (or argued) forever
but my decision was made
U thought it unfair....
but i always gave u a choice!
So u stayed....
3 weeks later unable to eat or drink or move
regurgitating everything
my depression set in
My dr visits became more regular
once a month
my weight decreased, but breasts and belly engorged
this thing
was eating me alive
sucking me dry
My skin and hair gave up
so did my muscles
unable to button my jeans, swollen feet
constant uneasiness
I missed going out and walking around
our conversations of the past and
of a different future.
Ring Ring...
it was the dr's office
strange test results
sent to a specialist....2 hrs away...
Oct 8th, 2008
amniocentesis and 3D ultrasound
i layed there and watched the screen
and ur heartbeat came through the speaker
I saw the smile in his eyes
and knew it.....
the tech said, "do u want to know"
"it's a boy"
the excitement in his face
was all i needed.
we were going to be fine.
But something wasnt right...
Anencephaly the specialist explained
unable to move or breathe....
he held me
but no tears fell
he began to cry but i begged him to stop.
Finally the man in him appeared
and he dried his eyes
while i lay in disbelief....
I'm sorry my son.
a decision was to be made
October 18th, 2008
my termination began...already 23 weeks along
Induced at 7:30 a and birthed at 8:45pm
The morphine did nothing
greatest pain so far
I watched u
eyes shut, heart still
My son,
U looked perfect to me
10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes.
Only then a single tear rolled down my cheek.
I wish i could have known u
but no other choice i had
nothing could have helped,
it just wasnt meant to be
How will i go on without u here
I see babies all the time
the anger builds
it just wasnt fair...
I stare at ur picture
grey and black
and i see u in my dreams
u haunt my thoughts
but i did care
So did he....
how i wish ...ur face again
i could see...
J.Francis
