I hope...

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sarahsunshine's picture
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I hope...

Hi All,

I wanted to give you guys all this morning's update from this side.

Things are going as well as can be expected.

I was going through the responses from my original post, and I noticed that everyone has edited their signatures to be removed. I hope that this isn't in fear that I get jealous or upset at the beautiful photos of all our children. As many of you posted, we have known each other for almost 2 years and are very supportive each other - a virtual family. As such, I hope that you don't keep your children and their wonderful lives from me out of guilt or fear. One of the best things that happened yesterday was Amanda and her DH's visit with Kenton (yes, and you too Diane!). It was absolutely wonderful to see the joy and playfulness in Kenton with everyone else so surrounded by grief.

As for help any support, for me, pregnancy.org has been a huge support (probably gardenbug too) but I don't want people to think that their problems are meaningless. Yes, an accident like this puts other issues in perspective, but that doesn't mean that they aren't important to deal with as well! For example, I was thrilled to find out that KareninNH's appointment went well today!

As much of a shock Reed's death has brought, there are so many joys that he has brought that I wouldn't even consider trading his part in my life for the pain of his passing.

As for a service, no final arrangement has been made, but we had a discussion last night with our friends, one of whom is a mortician and dealing with Reed. We've decided to have a service at a local park on saturday afternoon, not knowing how many people will show up (since it's been all over the news and random people have been dropping stuff off) and we know that the EMS, police, and hospital staff will want to come as well.

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Your strength as a person is really inspiring. It has always been noticeable through your posts, and your mother's. However, it really shines through this darkness.

kvo
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Sarah--your strength is an inspiration to me and I hope you and gardenbug continue to be part of our community here, although I understand that it may become too painful.

As for the signature, it is a pg.org rule that siggies are turned off on threads about the loss of a child. It is out of respect.

However, I will keep mine on since you have requested we do so.

Thanks so much for updating us on how you're doing. Those of us that cannot physically be there for you at the memorial will be there in spirit.

Much love to you all...

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"kvo" wrote:

As for the signature, it is a pg.org rule that siggies are turned off on threads about the loss of a child. It is out of respect.

Hey - learn new things every day!

Thanks for telling me.

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Sarah, Thank you for comming back and updating us. We all here are think of you so much. You are so strong, and so loving.

I know that so many of us wish there was more that we could do for you. Sitting here not being able to talk to you, or give you a hug and a smile has been hard. Know that we are thinking of you, Give your mom the biggest hug me and all of us.

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Sarah you are truly an amazing woman. This site has been such a wonderful support system for all things. Thank you for updating us on how you are doing. I wish I could be there for you but please know I am thinking of you all the time.

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Sarah,
Thanks for taking the time to come on here and update us. We really do appreciate it and want you to know we are thinking of you.

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You are such a strong person. You, and your whole family, are in my constant thoughts. Yesterday, I posted a bit about it on our family blog, and I'm blown away by the people that have called or emailed to offer their support.

We are always here for you.

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Sarah, I have always admired your strength and continue to do so. Reed was a lucky little boy to have you.

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Sarah-
I am amazed at your strength- that you can even get on here and type.

Like many others have said- after I read your message yesterday I was in shock. I somehow had to walk around and keep doing my job as though nothing had happened- knowing that in some way your world was standing still.

I went down the hall and snuck a peek in at Lily in her preschool class and it didn't seem fair. And when I picked her up I squeezed her so tight and thought of the emptiness your arms may be feeling.

I wanted to tell everyone I knew that my friend's little boy died. And then I thought it was silly using the word "friend." How to explain to someone that I felt such a connection to an online friend that was so many miles away, whom I've never met in person. But we have been in eachother's lives for almost 2 years.

Know that you all are loved and we send our virtual hugs from far away.

Blessings and Peace on you, Wayne, Skylar, Gardenbug, your dad and all those who knew and loved Reed.

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Hi Sarah. I have to second what the others are saying. I don't think I'll ever be as strong as you are. I appreciate the personal updates and am glad you are able to reach out to us at this time. Thank you.

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Sarah, please let me know where, I will be there, no doubt about it.

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Hi Sarah I too want to thank you for reaching out, and updating us as well.. You are soo strong and an inspiration to all of us.. Just know we are thinking of you and your family and praying for you as well.. Hugss

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Sarah, you have such a wonderful and strong spirit, something which always comes through on your posts. Thank you for taking the time to share with us on how you are doing. I shared with a very good friend of Reed's passing and she wanted me to tell you that you are in her thoughts and she is praying for you. I know that we all wish we could attend Reed's memorial. It will be a wonderful celebration of his life and there will be beautiful memories shared about the joy and laughter that he brought to everyone's life. *hugs*

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:bighug:

EL2
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Sarah, thank you for sharing all the great stories and pictures of Reed on this board. I admire your strength through this difficult time. Although we cannot be physically be there with you to offer support or hug, please know that we all are thinking of you. I have thought of you and your family and kept Reed in my prayers.

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Thank you, Sarah, for taking the time to let us know how you are doing. I have wondered if you would be on here, hoping that you would see all the support that is being offered. I am amazed by your strength, yet hope and trust that you are taking time to grieve, as well. You were so lucky to have Reed in your life, and I hope you can continue to find comfort in your memories of him.

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Sarah, thank you so much for the update! I haven't been able to get this off my mind for a moment. You are a very strong woman. My SIL and BF both lost infants (one at 5 days the other at 6 weeks) and I've always been amazed at the strength one holds when walking through something like this in life. I truely believe it is due to an angel who will follow you all through the rest of your life. Protecting you and your family.

I want to second the pp who stated I hope when you and gardenbug are ready that you will still join us here. Wings or not Reed is/will forever be a part of our board (as well as you girls too!). Please feel free at any time, tomorrow....or 10 years from now...to not hesitate to use this board when needed for talking/venting whatever you need.

Not enough cyber hugs in the world could convey how my heart aches for you. I will continue to pray for you, your DH and the rest of your family and friends, so safe keeping and the strength to get through this darkened time in your lives. :bigarmhug:

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"kvo" wrote:

Sarah--your strength is an inspiration to me and I hope you and gardenbug continue to be part of our community here, although I understand that it may become too painful.

Thanks so much for updating us on how you're doing. Those of us that cannot physically be there for you at the memorial will be there in spirit.

Much love to you all...

I couldn't say it better myself. Peace and strength to you and your family.

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Thank you Sarah for coming on here and giving us all an update. Your beautiful words during such a rough time is an inspiration to me and everyone here. Please keep us updated when you can... and we will all be there with you on Saturday even tho you wont see us! Hang in there sweetie!

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Sarah,
Your strength is very encouraging, and I am really glad you were able to come on and give us an update. I have been thinking of you constantly and praying for you that you will continue to have strength and encouragment during this time. We are all thinking of you, and wanting so badly do something for you, but the distance is what keeps us apart. I admire you, and pray that you will stay strong in the days and weeks to come.
Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

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Sarah, I wish I could be there to hug you for real. You are an amazing mother and Wayne is an amazing father.
I hope you and Gardenbug keep posting on here, if you can...
The memory of your Sunshine Reed will always stay with us.

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Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-- W.H. Auden

This mood will change.

"Perhaps Death Is Proud; More Reason to Savor Life...try not to
bicker, eat well, walk in the rain, feel the sun on your face and
laugh loud and often, as much as possible, and especially at
yourself. Because the only antidote to death is not poetry, or drama,
or miracle drugs, or a roomful of technical expertise and good
intentions. The antidote to death is life."

I leave for Edmonton soon.

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Gardenbug - I you are in my thoughts and prayers as well. We hope that you have a safe trip!

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Gardenbug- I will be thinking of you as you make your way to Sarah's.
This poem is beautiful. Perhaps you can recite it on Saturday?

"He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."

Beautiful words...just beautiful!!!

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Gardenbug those poems are so beautiful thank you for sharing them. I went through some poems last night as I was searching online that touched me.

I hope you have a safe trip.

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Sarah I truly admire your strength. You are an inspirational woman and Reed was lucky to have such an amazing momma.

Gardenbug, those poems are beautiful, you are in my thoughts as well. Reed was one lucky boy to have such a loving family.

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Sarah, thank you so much for coming and updating us. The thoughts of your family and Reed have been on my mind constantly. You are a very strong women, and I admire that in you.

Gardenbug, have a safe trip! We are all thinking of you too!

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Like others said your strength is amazing...I only wish to have half of it!

Thanks for the updates

****hugs****

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Sarah if I ever have met anyone with amazing strength it is you. I will tell you I did remove my siggy bc I just couldn't bear to put it there. It seems so unfair. I know things happen for reasons but my heart is broken for you. I just have no words that will help. We will always be here for you and this will always be Reed's board. Not only Reed but you have been a joy to us as well. Reed will always be missed but never forgotten.

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gardenbug~You are in my thoughts as well. I know how much grandchildren are the apple of there grandparents eyes. Elliott is what my parents live for. You & grandpa are in my heart today!!! This is a day you should never have to go through but for some reason you do and I hope you can find peace from the sweet life Reed had in your heart.

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Like others have said Sarah your strength during all of this is inspirational. I truely don't know how your doing it. I thank you for coming on here and keeping us all updated on how you and your family are coping. Gardenbug-the poems are just beautiful. :bigarmhug:

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Reading here forces me to think about the bigger world, not just my pain. Responding can be therapeutic. So it helps us be strong...when it doesn't come easily. At least for me.

Sarah's brother sent us the second quote above. He is special too.

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:lurk: march 08

you're streanth is awesome! i'm glad to hear that things seem to be going ok for your family! you truely inspire me to be a better mom

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Our friend, the mortician, gave us this poem last night.

I’ll Lend You a Little Time
I’ll lend you a little time, a child of mine, He said.
For you to love while he lives, and mourn when he is dead.

It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He’ll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,
You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call, or take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say, Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness, we’ll love him while we may;
And for the happiness we’ve known, will ever grateful stay.

But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we planned,
We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes. And try to understand.

However, "The antidote to death is life" is the best I've seen yet, in terms of healing. After all, hiding away from death is not going to help heal ourselves, going out and living will help us experience what we need for our healing.

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The poem is beautiful and so true.

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Thanks for allowing us to be part of your lives. Sarah, you have touched so many people...and your strength is admirable. (((((hugs))))) from miles away.......

Have a safe trip, gardenbug. I am sure Sarah can't wait to have you there with them.

Lots of positive thoughts for all of you. :comfort:

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Thank you both, Sarah and Gardenbug, for helping us through our grief in this, by showing us your strength. We are with you in spirit and prayer.

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"aattmommy" wrote:

Thank you both, Sarah and Gardenbug, for helping us through our grief in this, by showing us your strength. We are with you in spirit and prayer.

Yes you are both Amazing women Big Hugs and many prayers.

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I don't think there is anything much I can add. Just know that your stength has touched us all. We ARE all thinking of you, and you ARE an inspiration.

Much love to you Sarah, one of my many sisters.

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{{Lurker}}

Sarah - you really are truly an amazing strong woman. Although I don't know you personally (or through the boards) there is no way to not feel connected to all people on these birth boards. And your story really hits home with being just 2 months behind you with our sons and 1 month ahead of you for our beans.

Please know that all of us on PO are here for you in any way. And the thoughts and prayers are pouring out for you. And we are ALL here for you and your family.

That poem is absolutely beautiful!

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Sarah I hope this is ok. I found this poem on the grief board and it reminded me of your strength and I wanted to share it.

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say...

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mummy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mum
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mummy set me free.

I miss my Mummy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mummy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson there is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Through some on earth may not realise
Until their time is done.
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are a special Mum!

written by Jennifer Wasik

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Sara,


You are truly an amazing person. I don't think I would be as strong as you seem to be. Maybe it is my pregnancy hormones but I just seem to ache for your family. I know Reed had a cherished life with you and your DH. Just wanted you to know that since reading some of your posts I now make my own bread, use CD and went from a TV holic to never turn the darn thing on. Learning to knit and want to learn to sew. I though about the home birth but after having a huge baby (c-section) not so sure I want to do that! Made piece with working full time. You have simply been an inspiration to me even though you did not know it. You now impress me with your continued strength. Please take care of yourself during this time.


Love,


Suprena

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Lurker:
Sarah your strength is truly inspiring. You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

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Sarah, you are so amazingly strong. I am in awe of your strength and grace at such a hard time, it is truly inspiring.

Gardenbug, I hope you have a safe, gentle and fast trip to Edmonton.

All of the poems you two have post have moved me to tears. They were beautiful.

I hope, as others have said, that you will continue, if you can, to be a part of our BB because you both are such a wonderful part of it.

Thank you for the update Sarah!

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oh honey. :bighug:

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"revchick" wrote:

Sarah-
I am amazed at your strength- that you can even get on here and type.

Like many others have said- after I read your message yesterday I was in shock. I somehow had to walk around and keep doing my job as though nothing had happened- knowing that in some way your world was standing still.

I went down the hall and snuck a peek in at Lily in her preschool class and it didn't seem fair. And when I picked her up I squeezed her so tight and thought of the emptiness your arms may be feeling.

I wanted to tell everyone I knew that my friend's little boy died. And then I thought it was silly using the word "friend." How to explain to someone that I felt such a connection to an online friend that was so many miles away, whom I've never met in person. But we have been in eachother's lives for almost 2 years.

Know that you all are loved and we send our virtual hugs from far away.

Blessings and Peace on you, Wayne, Skylar, Gardenbug, your dad and all those who knew and loved Reed.

So beautifully put!!!!

I could've written the very same thing, line by line, about how my day went. When I talked to friends and family about my feelings I explained that this is a friend in my mommy's group, and left it at that. No one would really understand our connection with each other unless they are on here too...there is no other cyber friend situation that even compares.

My DH came home really late last night. When I told him what happened to Reed he was SO visibly upset. It was almost scared me...he had been rough housing with the babies and laughing and playing. When I told him about Reed he instantly got really quiet and upset and then a few minutes later disappeared into the bedroom. I thought he was prepping the bath water but come to find out he was in bed, saying a migrained hit him hard suddenly. He didn't even do bath time. In fact, routine and bath wasn't even that important to me either...I just played and played with the girls an extra hour later.

Sarah you are so very strong and amazing.

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I can't say anything different than what's already been said. Just wanted to say that I am thinking about you and your family.

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"sarahsunshine" wrote:

Our friend, the mortician, gave us this poem last night.

I’ll Lend You a Little Time
I’ll lend you a little time, a child of mine, He said.
For you to love while he lives, and mourn when he is dead.

It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He’ll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,
You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call, or take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say, Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness, we’ll love him while we may;
And for the happiness we’ve known, will ever grateful stay.

But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we planned,
We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes. And try to understand.

I read this poem years ago and it came to mind yesterday in the wake of all this. It touched me when I first heard it, and I was years away from being a mother at that point. Now it breaks my heart in a whole new way.

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Wow... those poems are incredible. I'm sitting here in my little corner of the world crying, trying to understand why your worlds have been ripped out from under you while I sit here and watch Keira in her little pink dress and pigtails, dancing next to me, adorned with her Teletubbies headband and her favorite mini soccer ball in one hand. Some things only the Lord knows, and I hope someday all the "why's" will become clear.

Thanks for checking in with us, Sarah and 'Bug - as many others have said, your strength has already been an inspiration to us all. Please continue to hang out with us when you can! Reed will be terribly missed, but so will you... Smile

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Sarah ~ The poem you posted was read at my 5 day old nephew's funeral...such meaning in that poem. We don't get to choose when God puts us here or takes us home.... but knowing the moments we shared together, even bried ones, can change your life forever.

gardenbug ~ I pray for safe travel for you as well as a healing a grandmother's heart. I have a poem somewhere here my MIL found great peace in when my nephew passed... in case you want it ~

Today I kissed an angel.
I knew it from the start.
The first time this angel
Smiled at me,
I gave away my heart.

Today I kissed an angel;
This grandchild of mine
Though not of my creation,
My grandchild
By God’s design.

Today I kissed an angel.
My heart is dancing wild.
Our family,
By a miracle,
Blessed by this
Angel child

I was lucky enough to find a picture of my MIL kissing my nephew on the forhead and inserted it with this poem into a memory book for her.


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