I haven't been around much. I have been debating on whether to come back to here or not as I am just going through a rough time right now and it's so hard to explain or talk about it. I often come and take a peek at the posts but when I came on today, I read Chimmy's wonderful news and read a small bit of the end of her birth lodge and somehow it inspired me to maybe write about my feelings here.
I had been so wanting to have another child. I love having a large family and all the good and bad that comes along with it. The past few months however, I have just been feeling sad and I am not entirely sure why. I put on my best face and energy in to my 4 kids and dh, but I don't think he even knows and I find it hard to talk to him especially when I don't even know myself, he would just say I am being silly. There are just so many things that seem to be road blocks to having another child.
First, My house is too small, I am having a hard time organizing my house as it is and we can't move.
Second, my family (outside my kids and dh) would be upset, and I don't want a child to come into this family with those kind of feelings from their extended family.
Third, I have been having back issues (I have addressed it with my doctor, who seems to not be very proactive at figuring out why my back will seize up for no apparent reason). I am scared to be pregnant with my back issues. I have been told that I am just getting old and back pain is common. This statement also makes me very depressed and sad. My cycles are getting strange too.
Also, we just bought 2 canoes to go on family trips. We have been going lots and everyone is so happy to be out enjoying the water and the canoeing and it feels like the family is moving on to a different phase, which makes everyone happy- but me.
I am just feeling like I am redundant and my time for being a new mom is over and it makes me feel so deeply sad. There has been a burst of new and expecting moms here on large families and I so hoped I would be joining you and now it looks like I won't. You are all so energetic and full of ideas and I feel like my energy is waning. I feel old.
I don't feel like my dh even loves me the same anymore as I am getting older which I am probably wrong but that's the way it feels to me. I have been noticing that he notices the younger, slimmer females which he never used to (I don't think) and it adds to my self image issues as I am finding it really hard to lose weight (my back issues don't help).
I don't know, I am so lost right now. On the outside I carry on and care and love my kids, but on the inside, I am a mess. I don't know where I fit in, or what to do about anything! I don't even know if I should be on this message board anymore!
I am so sorry this is so long. I am rambling but I am hoping by at least letting this out here, it may be a start. If you read all this, thank you with all my heart.
Oh sweet Jan! I am sorry that you are dealing with this sadness!! You are writing about some valid reasons to be feeling blue...
I know you have been trying to have a baby for a long time, so it is hard when it doesn't happen , we question our bodies and feel let down by them. That alone can make you feel depressed. Hugs. Remember though that even women in their 20's deal with infertility, so it may not be just your age.
The dream of having another baby is so strong and it is hard to be the "only one" in your IRL circle to have it. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away. I know so many Mamas who are definitely done, but they still get the "baby aches" I guess they just learn how to shush those feelings? I bet if you open up to some of them they would relate to you, which could be nice to have an ally to talk to. Husbands aren't always the bast for this kind of talk.
We are here for you too!
Have you considered just letting it happen? Stopping the active TTCing and "moving on with your family life" and if a baby happens it will be a nice surprise?
I think men always notice skinny, "hot" chicks. I think it's in their nature ( heck, I noticed young, good looking guys in the gym too!). It doesn't mean that they want to pursue them, it just registers in our mind, as a pleasant sight-right?
Try to be gentle on yourself, I am sorry that your back is hurting you. Can you visit a chiropractor? I know getting adjustments can work wonders, I wish my insurance would cover it!
As for me, I am not so energetic really. My body seems to deteriorate with each pregnancy- the leaky bladder gets really bothersome- I feel like an 80 year old, considering depends honestly.
I also get flustered with all the work and expense that goes into having so many kids. Yesterday was such a hard day! The kids came back from their first day of school ( half a day) and they were ALL hyper! They were all wound up and hungry and it overwhelmed me. After a few hours I was asking myself:" what did I get myself into?!"
It was cold and rainy too, so I couldn't even send them outside.
Today is a better day and I hope to be more prepared for them when they get back from school. That's just life though. Some days are so hard and some seem better and then there are perfectly happy days too!
I hope you can work through your worries and yearnings and start enjoying your life a little more.
Hugs to you Jan.
I struggled with infertility and watching everyone around me and on these boards having two babies before I had been able to have one more. And it really got to me. Looking back now I realize I was struggling with depression. I don't know that much would have helped, but awareness may have. I felt let down by my body, feel the age stuff, and so forth.
There is a 5yr gap btw our twins and our next youngest, never planned for that gap to be there. Had lots of ppl ask when we would have another, talk about how they wanted their kids close in age, blah blah blah, all stuff that annoyed and hurt me. lol. I know DH wanted more kids, but not like I wanted another, so I felt less able to vent to him constantly. And because of that big age gap, we struggled with whether we really wanted to add more and start some things over when it was getting easier to travel, go out on the town, find a sitter etc.
Back issues probably need to be addressed, maybe with another doctor, because if you do get pregnant, it could make it worse. And how frustrating that your doc is less than helpful on that issue.
As to house size... of course more room is always nice, but not always feasible. I grew up in a tiny house, at least 7 kids (there are 8 and we always had other ppl living with us) at a time and two parents, it was 5 small room and 1 bathroom, and for a while it was 5 kids and 2 parents in 3 rooms. I really don't think the space matters that much, IMO.
Hugs and please vent any time, I'm sure many of us have been there, at least one of the things that is bothering you.
Rachel, momma to 4
dd 9, ds 7, twin boys Dec 09
I nursed my twins for 2years and 2 weeks! A little sad to be all done now.
Jan!!!!! I've totally been thinking about you!!!!
Bath time is near so I will write more in a bit but trust me, you ate not alone in your feelings! Oh the stories I can share!! I am sad to hear your feeling this way, though. You definitely belong, and even if you decide not to have more children, you are a momma to a large family and a great resource to the board.
I'll write more on the specifics in a bit, now it's bubble bath time with my Tasmanian Devil!
Thanks for the support I really appreciate it and it is nice to know I am not alone, not that I wish these feelings on anyone!
I guess I just have to work through things emotionally, I know time tends to heal, so I will see what the future holds.
Asha- I think you are right about the nice surprise and just "going with the flow" about this. As I get older, I just don't get my cycles the same and I don't want to mess with mother nature and start pumping myself full of medicines or herbs to try to get pregnant when my body is doing what it is suppose to do. As far as my body issues, I know that I somewhat forfeited my decent body for my kids and I would never regret that but I guess now that I am not pregnant and haven't been for a while I am noticing how "bad" my body is. I not in "baby mom mode" where I don't care how my body looks because I am either pregnant or with a little one and it is darn HARD to get back in decent shape! I kinda feel like I am disappointing my dh and I feel worse about it when I notice him noticing women in good shape! My doctor seems to think I am having accute muscle spasms in my lower back and I did a little footwork myself and I think that is what it is. I will see if I can get her to look more into it, but I would consider a chiropractor. I know we all have good and bad days with having a large family. I just hope this internal battle I have going on would settle out soon. Thanks and hugs out to you!! I have been reading your November birth club, I can't believe you are almost close to delivering-time flies!!!
Rachel-Thanks for your support and telling me your experience with the whole infertility/getting older situation. Talking to DH is pretty much useless as he is very practical in his thinking and the emotional stuff goes right over his head LOL so I know what you mean about the venting. I like hearing about how families live quite comfortably in a small house so I am glad you told me that. I feel like I can scratch that off my stress list. It really doesn't matter that much does it? We would figure out a way to make the house work one way or another!
Christina!- I have thinking about you too! I hope all is well with you, and thanks for the ongoing support. I realized I have actually been here on the board for a while, and even though I am busy and find it hard to write sometimes, I always check in! You are all a great bunch of moms with great ideas and thoughts, that is what ultimately got me on here typing away about my latest issues. I am also watching the birth board!!!
Just got some quiet time to share so thought I would jump on it!
I think the PP's have some great advise regarding the back issues and space. I definitely agree, a chiropractor or even a second opinion would be very helpful. And that 'we' always want more...space, money, time...and even when we get it, it's never 'enough'. That's truly helpful to remember that what we think we need, isn't actually what we NEED.
What I can share oodles of is feeling OLD...and fat!
I'm 36, I'll be 37 in January and it never escaped me as we TTC. After months it would really hit me. I am getting old. And tired. And add to that the fact that I never lost the 30 lbs I gained with DS#4 and I was just feeling like poop on a log.
Growing up, I was always bigger. And I struggled with a pretty severe eating disorder in my 20's. Honestly, it wasn't until I started running that I finally understood my strength and appreciated my body. Then I stopped running and got preggo and I swear my mind went right back to it's destructive self and hating my body. I cried daily dealing with my body because the weight would not budge!!!
I finally went out and bought a few new pieces of clothes, I got my hair done and even got a manicure. Holy what!!! I felt pretty!!!! I couldn't believe it! But thinking about it I had completely stopped taking care of myself, was focusing on my baby/kids/DH and my weight and wasn't focusing on the things I knew could make a quick world of difference. Just having some new clothes that fit and flattered my body was amazing! It completely changed my perspective.
So, perhaps, take some time for you and get something pretty, or get your hair done, or even just a pedicure and a super cute pair of shoes? Perhaps that can get the ball rolling and you can start to feel more like your beautiful self.
Not much we can do about getting older but I've found eating healthier, taking my vitamins, and being active have helped tremendously. And by being active, it's no more than walking 1-2 miles daily, but it makes a world of difference for me. Maybe take a bike out for a ride? Get canoes out more often, make those kiddos go out with you on a 'date' to the park for a bit of a picnic or even an evening walk.
My twins and DS#4 are 16 years apart. I thought I was done...super done for 13 years. And then the baby bug hit me. I know how it feels to completely question what you are feeling or if you're doing the right thing and to have the family moving in a different direction. I often feel like I have 2 families because my older boys are so autonomous and independent. But I wouldn't change or trade our decisions for anything. Our family is perfect for us and our lives, if that makes sense. And I was so scared of what people would say to us when I got preggo. And this time around, too! (my dad actually said, "great, now you can be done!"). But I think you just have believe in your choices and forget everyone else. It's your family and your life.
I do hope you can find your way through all these emotions quickly. Huge hugs to you and know you're never alone!
Hi Jan! I don't post here much but I like to lurk. I guess I feel out of place even here because 2 of my 5 aren't technically mine.
I guess I wanted to add just a few things. I'm 38 (and a half but whose counting?) and if DH hadn't gotten the snip I'd be begging him to have another baby now - yup, I am a glutton for punishment. I also need to lose oh um like 45 pounds!!!! I also have chronic back problems (had a bi-lateral laminectomy at age 22 and I have 2 naturally fused vertabrae with arthritis) so I know what you're going through there. I still had three kids.
I guess for me I am taking some solice in my aging process that I am now going to focus solely on my health. My blood pressure is giving me lots of problems these days too.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling down in the dumps. You are so totally not alone. I look at myself some days and think "oh no, that old, fat badly dressed, messy hair creep can't be me!!!". Only to sadly realize it's not only me but the me that I display to the world every day - oi vey!
BUT...I also try very hard to realize all the accomplishments I've made. You are a mom of 4 beautiful kiddos!!! WOW!!! You are a rock star. Period.
You post and vent any time you want. That's part of what's so great about pg.org. There is always someone here feeling similarly to you - there's comfort in that, ya know?
I hope you are able to find some peace soon and get your real smile back. I agree with Christina - do something really nice, just for yourself, whatever that may be.
Take care and please feel free to vent or pm me or whatever you need to help you along.
Christina + Rory = a grand total of:
Amelia, Anthony, Andon, Noah, Mason, & Trinity-woof
Rachel, momma to 4
dd 9, ds 7, twin boys Dec 09
I nursed my twins for 2years and 2 weeks! A little sad to be all done now.
Love grows best in small spaces
I wish I could just reach through here and give you a huge hug. Everyone has had some great words of wisdom and advice. Know we are here for you anytime you need to talk...
Wife to Jason
Brodie(9)~Deacon(8 )~Truman(8 )~Sawyer(5)~Elliot(3)~Finn 3/9/12