I haven't been around much. I have been debating on whether to come back to here or not as I am just going through a rough time right now and it's so hard to explain or talk about it. I often come and take a peek at the posts but when I came on today, I read Chimmy's wonderful news and read a small bit of the end of her birth lodge and somehow it inspired me to maybe write about my feelings here.
I had been so wanting to have another child. I love having a large family and all the good and bad that comes along with it. The past few months however, I have just been feeling sad and I am not entirely sure why. I put on my best face and energy in to my 4 kids and dh, but I don't think he even knows and I find it hard to talk to him especially when I don't even know myself, he would just say I am being silly. There are just so many things that seem to be road blocks to having another child.
First, My house is too small, I am having a hard time organizing my house as it is and we can't move.
Second, my family (outside my kids and dh) would be upset, and I don't want a child to come into this family with those kind of feelings from their extended family.
Third, I have been having back issues (I have addressed it with my doctor, who seems to not be very proactive at figuring out why my back will seize up for no apparent reason). I am scared to be pregnant with my back issues. I have been told that I am just getting old and back pain is common. This statement also makes me very depressed and sad. My cycles are getting strange too.
Also, we just bought 2 canoes to go on family trips. We have been going lots and everyone is so happy to be out enjoying the water and the canoeing and it feels like the family is moving on to a different phase, which makes everyone happy- but me.
I am just feeling like I am redundant and my time for being a new mom is over and it makes me feel so deeply sad. There has been a burst of new and expecting moms here on large families and I so hoped I would be joining you and now it looks like I won't. You are all so energetic and full of ideas and I feel like my energy is waning. I feel old.
I don't feel like my dh even loves me the same anymore as I am getting older which I am probably wrong but that's the way it feels to me. I have been noticing that he notices the younger, slimmer females which he never used to (I don't think) and it adds to my self image issues as I am finding it really hard to lose weight (my back issues don't help).
I don't know, I am so lost right now. On the outside I carry on and care and love my kids, but on the inside, I am a mess. I don't know where I fit in, or what to do about anything! I don't even know if I should be on this message board anymore!
I am so sorry this is so long. I am rambling but I am hoping by at least letting this out here, it may be a start. If you read all this, thank you with all my heart.