Alex is here!

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WonderWomanExtrodinare's picture
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Alex is here!

I'm finally getting around to finding time to post again-- YAY!
Alexander James was born a month ago today, 9 lbs. 6 oz. 22"s and my first natural birth! WOW! What an experience! My forebag of waters broke 10 days after my EDD and he was here in my arms TWO hours later! DH is planning a vasectomy sometime in the near future as this is his 4th child (my 3rd) and he doesn't want anymore children. I've had some feelings that I've been struggling with concerning this and perhaps I can share them here...
I've always gone through our marriage and baby-planning feeling like I'm losing out b/c DH doesn't want another child b/c he already has four children-- but I am left feeling like my step-son isn't mine... his mother is involved in his life and it's more like I am just the step-mom, if that makes sense, we really don't have a close relationship and when we've tried, either his mom or my step-son's great-grandmother has always stepped in to stop it b/c they don't want me to get close to him. Is it right for DH to get a vasectomy when I am still considering wanting another child in the distant future? It's like I can't have a baby without him being on board but he can make it to where he can't have children anymore without my consent if he really wants to, it's a lose/lose for me I feel like. Beee DH isn't really involved with the child-rearing anyway, even with my step-son, I am. I dunno how to feel. Beee I LOVE being a mother! So far, my oldest is just five, but I've loved every part of it-- the early morning feeding with my newborns, the toddler years (even the twos and the threes), the school days... I LOVE it all!!! The good and the "bad". I just don't feel "done", I don't feel like our family is complete-- just complete for now. I still see myself having another child in the very distant future-- perhaps even ten years out-- I've told DH I'm willing to wait as long as he needs but he is just done. What do you think? What would you do? Will I ever get to a point where I feel content to watch the ones we have just finish growing up? Are some people just meant to be mothers? I feel like I don't know anything else and that I'm not really good at anything else. Even with my oldest only being five, the thought of them leaving home makes tears come to my eyes.

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Last seen: 2 years 7 months ago
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What a big boy you had! Congrats! He is adorable!

As to the big V... I struggle with that too... obviously dh needs to be on board to have another, but I agree, you should be on board to be done as well before the big snip. I think my dh thinks we are done, but I am not there yet myself... its hard to be ready to move onto another stage of life when baby rearing is what you know. Smile

carg0612's picture
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Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
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First of all congrats!! What a beautiful boy!!!

I think I can relate a little to your situation. I have 2 DSS's and I too don't really feel like their mother - because I'm not. They have a mother. A very nasty, sour, bitter woman who does everything she can to stand between us. It makes for a very difficult blended family situation.

On the flip side my DH isn't the father of my 2 older kids either. My ex isn't bitter or nasty though, just a bit dumb and lazy.

We have one of our own together. My DH got the snip when I was still pg with our baby. I was totally ok with it then but I gotta tell ya I am having the baby-blues something fierce now Sad

Honestly, I am still ok with it when I really think about all our blessings and our ages and our financial sitation.

Yes, I'd love to have just one more, I would. But I look at the whole and feel, I don't know, lucky and blessed and I somehow find a bit of peace in that.

If you really think you want another then maybe talk with your DH a bit more and ask him if he'd be willing to wait. Maybe pick a compromise on when you could make a final decision? It's just so different for everyone.

GL - no matter what you decide to do I wish you peace and happiness.

Mommyin0406080912's picture
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Congrats on your new little man!! What a cutie!!

PAmom2boys's picture
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Congrats on the birth of your son!

I can't imagine the feeling you have regarding not being done having babies. I do know that having both parents on the same page makes a huge difference in raising them. It dies suck fir you that want more but he's done but it's also not fair to him when he wants to be done but it pressured into more. It can't be both ways so sadly for you it has to be his way in this instance (IMO).

For me I KNOW this is the last baby for me. I just don't see my family any bigger. I don't think I could handle any more kids and I'm ready to move on from babyhood into childhood and beyond.

PAmom2boys's picture
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I also agree with talking to your DH and maybe coming up with a compromise on the decision for the V. Say maybe when baby is one you two should revisit the idea.

mandi04's picture
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Congrats!!!

Maybe you could talk to dh about some other birth control for a certain period of time? You could get a 10 year IUD and tell him that maybe at that point you'll feel okay with him making it permanent? You can always have it removed if you decide to have another baby but it's an easy, long-term birth control in the mean time.
I don't know that everyone feels done. During my 4th pregnancy I really felt like I was happy to move on to raising the kids we had and didn't feel like with more we could do and provide everything we wanted to....but now that he's here I feel like we could. DH had his vasetomy while I was still pregnant which is both a blessing and a curse. I'm sad that it's done but at the same time maybe it's a good thing? I don't know that I would have ever felt more comfortable than then saying okay to it and it's done, I don't have to wonder if we'll have more or not now.

WonderWomanExtrodinare's picture
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Thanks ladies! I am going to try and see if it is something we can discuss later. I am praying on it and trying to find peace. Smile

Starryblue702's picture
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I already posted congrats in your birth board, but congrats to you again!! I know exactly how you feel. My DH didn't want any more children 2 babies ago. Our relationship started out very rocky... long story short we were both married to other people, and each had a son. We started messing around, and after about two months I got pregnant (I knew right away it was his) and then about 6 weeks later his wife got pregnant. We ended up having our babies (mine was his, like I thought) and divorced our spouses to be together. I think because of our rocky start and all of the drama we inflicted on not only our spouses but our children as well (by now there were four boys between us, the two with his ex wife, my son from my ex and our son we had together) he was absolutely anti having any more children. It took about two years worth of talking before he came around on the idea of having one more, mainly because he knew how desperate I was to have a daughter. Thankfully our next baby was our princess. This baby was another story. We both were 100% done with having kids but neither one of us got fixed, so this baby was a surprise that took a lot of getting used to on both our parts. We're happy now, but it was a shock for a long time.

My advice to you is this: talk, talk, talk, and respect each other. You know how strongly you feel about wanting more children? He feels that strongly about not having any more. You both have to find some happy middle ground, and that's the hardest thing in this situation because someone has to give up what they want all the way. Good luck...

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Congrats on your new little one! I hope you can get your DH to negotiate with you. I think doing something permanent needs to be agreed on by both parties.

Sarah-Jean's picture
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I could have sworn I responded to this????!

Anyway, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy! What a perfect size to be born at!

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Congrats on the natural birth--he is beautiful!

I hope you both can come to a common ground on this--I can't imagine how hard it is for both to feel at peace with the decision.

shellyk8's picture
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I too would ask if you could just get on birth control for a set amount of time and then revisit the situation at that time. Maybe you will have changed your mind by then....(at least that is a good way to go about the convo) You never know right??? Anyways, that would give a cool off period. There have been sooooooooooooo many couples who do the V and years later with they had not....try and reverse it......so much of a pain;) I will pray for you:)