Maybe you could help me? I?m at a loss for ideas.
Leo (2.5yo) has been slamming and 'killing' stuffed animals the last week or so saying "Die!" "Bam! Blood all over the place". Last night he wasn't listening and was hitting Forrest (8mo) and I told him to go to his room. "Mommy are you going to kill me?". I wasn?t yelling or angry, I had just matter of factly told him to go to his room because he wasn?t listening and was hitting.
The thing is, Leo is a happy, gentle, playful, obstinate 2.5 yo. There is only one place this behaviour can come from. We don?t watch TV. He hasn?t seen the news. He doesn?t watch movies. He might see a facebook page every once in a while.
The behaviour Leo is displaying is an exact replica of how Skyler ?plays? with his, Ivy, and Leo?s toys. He thinks it?s cool to play wrestle and slam and Kill (he used to do it with Spiderman, now he is completely into WWE). He is constantly slamming them, killing them, punching them. Skyler doesn?t know how to play gently, imaginatively or just to explore (i.e. pretend to be a mouse, fish, elephant, dog). I've asked him not to display this aggressive obnoxious, bloody play in front of the kids, especially with the kids? toys. He ignores me. Leo is just copying Skyler - identically.
When I told Skyler about my concern about his lack of listening, and it?s affects, he laughed and thought it was hilarious. "I wish I could see that!"
I lost it on him.
How does a person deal with this situation? Any ideas?
To make matters harder, Skyler is with us every other week throughout the year.
He just thinks it?s funny and I?m ?unreasonable?. ?Unreasonable? in his books is defined as ?not what Skyler wants?.
That is totally not normal. I wonder how much of it has to do with his medical issues. Maybe he has an obsession with death because of the seriousness of what he has been through? How open would they be to having him evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist? This is not something you are going to be able to resolve easily. I think he needs counseling. In the meantime, I would tell him that at this age, he should be acting as a role model for the little ones and say that if he cannot be an appropriate role model for them, he will not be allowed to play with them.
LOL! THat wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear!
Skyler is a typical teenager. He knows what you don't like so he exaggerates the behavior to get a reaction. I think,like with any unwelcome behavior , you might have to limit him to play like that only in his room so Leo isn't around to witness it.
For Leo- when he does it try to ask him questions that would make him feel bad for the stuffed animals. So he can reach for his empathy and if he thinks that he is hurting them, he might stop the aggressive play.
I really don't think this behavior on Skyler's part has anything to do with Reed.
Sorry that it took me so long- I was not on the board for a while. Just busy.
He's not like any kid I've ever known. It is very worrisome. I can't understand why he hasn't been in counseling long before this. There is so much help he needs in many areas. He seems to be basically happy though. I just don't know about his future. I would not want him around my little kids....and not only because of the way he plays with toys. He is so very difficult! I feel so badly for Leo, Ivy and Forrest, and hope that their Mom & Dad can come up with some serious solutions they can stick with for the long haul.
No, Skyler’s actions and behaviour are unlike any other kid I’ve known. He starts counselling tomorrow, we’ll see how that goes.
As for Leo, I did exactly as you suggest, Asha, back when he displayed this aggressive behaviour to begin with. He hasn’t done it since then, either. Leo is also very empathetic (like Ivy). If he accidentally hurts me (hit my nose with his head when I was tickling him), he stops instantly and gives a big hug and kiss and says “Sorry mommy, sorry mommy!”
Skyler, on the other hand, has no empathy whatsoever. He’ll say things that make you think he understands because it’s something that he thinks you want to hear. But a few minutes later it’s clear that it was lip-service and there was no comprehension. Not only that, but he lies constantly. I can hardly stand to be around him. Whatever he says is either a lie, a story about how someone has treated him unfair (half lies), or WWE wrestling (aggressive stupidity). If you call him on it, he yells at you, gets mad and changes his story to make it "OK". If you don't listen, he cries like a 2yo and hits his head on the wall, and says how it's not fair and everyone hates him and life sucks. 10 minutes later he's happy as a clam. I don't want to hear any of it. I don't want the kids around any of it.
Not a good position to be in (me or him), or a place I want to be. I would be quite glad if he didn’t come to our house any more, which is completely unfair to DH.
Maybe DH could meet him at activities instead of at your home, or at his Grandma's place. I hope that he gets along well with the counselor and can learn some mature behavior. He seems almost autistic to me in that he has practically no emotional comprehension, except neediness for himself. It is mostly about ME ME ME. I can feel very sorry for him and his future, but I cannot imagine dealing with his behavior with small ones around who do look up to him.
I have not been around in a while either--busy!
So sorry you are dealing with this-it sounds like such a hard situation to be in! I really hope the counseling helps because his behavior definitely does not sound like normal teen behavior. I have not had to deal with teens as my own children yet, nor with split custody. I wonder if spending a week here, week there constantly has something to do with his adjustment? I know I would not do well bouncing back and forth so frequently :/ But thats the only idea I had, not knowing him or the situation personally. I hope you get some answers and improved behavior soon with the counseling! (((HUGS)))
From my point of view, 50/50 custody is an awful thing. Period. Yet what better alternative is there? Ideally the child would know that each parent adores him even if they bring out the worst in each other, and then go on and miraculously manage OK. But the fact is that 2 "homes" means split loyalties in the child's mind. Which parent is "right" and which parent "wrong"? Kids, at least this one, don't understand gray areas. Nor is he capable of understanding that he manipulates his parents and others ...as a kind of self preservation. Add on medical issues and a certain laziness about applying himself to family and school issues, and you have a very complex situation. As a teen, he'd love to be treated as a mature individual and begin to be trusted baby sitting and taking driver education etc, but he is nowhere near responsible enough to attempt these things. I am not around him enough to evaluate the daily issues though. I only visit about twice a year, but that is enough to know that the tensions are constant. I hope that counseling allows him to vent to a third party and see his role more clearly and then make an effort to be a true family member and a responsible adult.
Today's news, that Skyler enjoyed his first meeting and likes the psychologist is ever so hopeful.