Thread: Hi Ladies! Need some help/input regarding adoption...

Hi Mamas! I have only posted on here a couple of times, but lurk often. I need some advice regarding our situation...My Husband and I have 4 girls of our own and we assumed temp. guradianship of my sisters 5 children a year ago. We are now in the final stages of court and being asked to make a decision as to either adopt or have permanent guardianship. There has been no attempt on the Dads part or my sisters to reunify. I believe that my Sister suffers from mental illness and self medicates with illegal drugs and the Dad is just a low life that says he can not care for his children. My Husband and I have taken this responsibility with minimal help from my Mom and my other sister who has no children. I also have a brother who has visited 1 time in the last year. We have been working with a therapist for the last 9 months and we thought long and hard, wrote out the pros and cons of permanent guardianship vs. adoption and felt that if we are going to take responsibility for the children until they are ready to be on their own-not just until they are 18 because every parent knows that not all children are ready to leave home at that point-we felt that adoption would be the best course for our family..Two deciding factors were that the childrens college would be secured for a 4 year univ. and w/perm guardianship it will only be available if the state has the funding at the time each of them are ready to go. Another factor was that with perm. guardianship we still have to be involved with the state to a degree....If we move homes, change shcools, go on vacations, we have to write a letter to the state requesting permission. In saying that, when we told my Mom, other Sister and Brother, it started a family war. They believe that if my Sister wants to get hersef help in the next few years and motion the courts to reopen the case, we should leave that door open. We are very torn regarding the decision and felt like we made the decision in the best interest of the children which is what the courts are asking us to do. I just really feel torn and don't know how to move forward. I put off the signing of any papers and have a court date fastly approaching. The therapist tells us that we are the ones who are caring for the children and it is ultimately our decision. Sorry, I know this is long.....Thank you if you made it this far!

Wow that is a hard one! First of all, good for you and Dh for stepping up to be there for your sister's children....that is HUGE! It sounds to me like you guys have weighed all the options and are truly doing what is best for the children. As hard as it might be with other family members voicing their opinions I think you need to do what you feel is best. *hugs*

Although I don't know the whole situation, from what I understand you are trying very hard to put the children first- and that is exactly what must be done...and NOW! It will be a struggle I am sure, but the continuity will be important in their lives.

Should their birth parents eventually step up to the plate, that does not mean that they can't participate in their children's lives in the future. As a friend's mother once said to her, "you can never have too many loving parents!"

I'm sorry that extended family is making your decision harder. IMO, she lost custody of her children and you have had them for sometime, and the state has deemed her unable to care for them STILL. She has had her chance and is unable to do it right now. Had you not stepped up, they would be in foster care with someone the rest of your family does not now, and more than likely in 5 separate homes. What you have done is amazing, nothing less. If your sister gets it together at some point, she can be involved, but unfortunately she has lost her rights to be a parent. I hope your extended family can realize all that you have done to keep the family together.

I have a lot of admiration and respect for what you're doing. You should adopt them. Have you looked at options such as an open adoption, that would allow her some rights? I believe there's also such a thing as adoption with a joint custody agreement, but it doesn't sound like your sister is ready for that yet. Perhaps if you adopt them and she eventually cleans up her act you could go into some sort of joint custody agreement voluntarily. I'm not sure how old the kids are, but if they are older, have you talked to them about how they feel about being adopted?

Thanks so much Ladies for all of your kind words! We absolutely agree that parental involvement is needed for these children. Neither one of them call at this point. Not even on Birthdays. When they decide to come around on a healthy level we will be here. The children are 9,8,6,3, and 2. We spoke to the older 3 and the 9 year old (who has lived w/us several times in years past) wants to be adopted and take our name. The 8 year old feels like he would be betraying his parents, and the 6 year old wants to be adopted as well. I'm pretty positive that we will move forward with adoption. I will keep you posted.

YOU are these kids' parents. I am so saddened that their bio's don't even call on their B-days! I wouldn't worry about your family's point of view too much- you are the one raising those kids! The money issue is a significant consideration, but I think the sense of stability and belonging trumps it right now.
You and your husband are amazing people!

I would go for adoption personally despite the family war efforts. It's best for you, best for the kids and best all round... The rest of the family hardly sound like they're working with the best intentions for the children, only thinking of themselves.

How about giving the 8 year old the option of keeping his last name? Or possibly taking it as a middle name? Just a thought. We let both of our adopted kids choose their own middle names, they kept their first names, and took our last name.

Deb,

That's a good idea. Thank you! We will talk to him about that..