How many is "enough"?

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pammypoohbear's picture
Last seen: 2 years 9 months ago
Joined: 11/09/02
Posts: 353
How many is "enough"?

Hi! I used to post on here awhile back, but see tons of new faces. :wavehello:

I am struggling with my feelings of wanting another child. REALLY struggling. The need/want is so great that it physically makes my heart hurt. Probably sounds crazy to most of you. :confused:Because of $, dh and I decided that 5 was enough and he had a vasectomy done after our last baby. Well, we have entertained the idea of another, using a friends' sperm. DH has too many medical things going on in his genetics to have a reversal. Plus, I honestly want a mixed baby (my 1st from my ex is ½ Filipino)...just my personal preference.

So, my question is, how many is enough? I feel this way now, but how will I feel after having another? Will I still yearn to be pregnant and give birth and nurse and LOVE another child? For those that are done, did you feel like your family was complete before coming to that decision? I am thinking that I may not ever feel "done", kwim?! So frustrating...

mandi04's picture
Last seen: 2 years 6 months ago
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Well, dh had a vasectomy at the end of May so we are done. Honestly I feel like I'm at my limit and being pregnant just kind of sucks for me. I mean, I love being pregnant but right around this time I start contracting (today they were down to every 5 minutes at one point) so I can't really do anything. That was easier with my first two, but now that my older two are older and doing more things it's really hard because I can't just stay home and try to entertain them while resting. I feel really bad for the amount of times I've had to tell my kids that I can't do something for them because of me being pregnant. Not just that but it's hard even bringing DS to their school things/extracurriculars. He just has so much energy! (and I do not at the moment! Lol ) I enjoy the baby/toddler stage but I am definitely not dreading the day all of my kids are 'kids'.
Now I'm saying all of this as I sit here pregnant, so who knows how I'll feel a few years down the line. I agreed to DH's vasectomy, part of me figured that making it final will really help me because then I'll never wonder if we'll have another I'll just know we're done. For right now though I really feel like 4 is what I can handle and really it worked out better than I could have ever imagined with my girls being close in age and my boys being close in age, I'd worry another would feel left out. Plus we want to travel still and that just seems to get harder with each child So, I would say I do feel done. It is weird to think that I'll never get to experience this again, the pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding experience...but that has to happen at some point and I am sure the next 'stage' will bring me just as much happiness.
I've never felt this 'done' with any of my other kids so I'm hoping it will continue.

gardenbug's picture
Last seen: 1 year 9 months ago
Joined: 03/12/07
Posts: 2025

I have a friend with four children who really wanted more, BUT: her DH quit his job and began divinity school. After he graduated, they were sent several provinces away to lead 3 churches, so had to sell their home.

After much thought, she decided that it was more the feeling of being needed and loved without reservation that drew her to wanting another baby...and that feeling would never go away no matter how many she had. She became quite content becoming a bigger part of the lives of her four...and now their children as well.

I know several who have had reversal operations that were successful...but the relationships did not survive. Sad Other friends had a surrogate Mom, a baby daughter (now in college), but the marriage ended. Another couple had a happier outcome!

Not easy to work through. Good luck making the decision that works best for your family~!

ashamom27's picture
Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
Joined: 07/06/06
Posts: 1010

Hey Pammy! I do see another spot on that bench in your siggy pic. Just sayin'

Last seen: 2 years 6 months ago
Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I would love to hear more on this post, because dh and I have talked about it as well. I have four healthy children, 3 of which were miracles that all should have been born much too early (and two early losses as well), and feel I should just be grateful for what I have, but I don't feel done either. I am somewhat overwhelmed with motherhood currently (who wouldn't with toddler twins? lol), but don't know that I will always feel that way. Somedays I even think I could handle another baby currently (especially when I see how sweet my two babies are to smaller babies, much more so than my other kids were at the same age).

I think dh feels done, he keeps prompting me to get rid of baby items, and it seriously makes me want to cry thinking of getting rid of stuff. He also worries greatly about my health with another pregnancy (8 weeks of bedrest the last two successful pregnancies, some of it hospital bedrest). I rationalize that it was more for the health of the baby, and flukes- placenta previa and multiple pregnancy. My dd's pregnancy was perfect, no complications drug free labor at term (as opposed to the c/s the last two times), so I think it could happen again- a normal pregnancy. But I also know how hard bedrest was on out entire family, emotionally and physically, and don't know that I could do that to my children and spouse again, should it happen again.

But then I would love to have another girl, though I know the odds are not in my favor at this point. And like Mandi, I worry about the next baby being alone. My first two are super close emotionally and of course the twins are as well, and I don't think 6 is my number, I have always wanted 5, but that last one would be just out there, esp since I would wait until the boys were at least two before even trying. Also, I don't know if we could have any more, I needed clomid last time and I don't think I will do that again, twins once is enough for me. Smile

But I do wonder if I will ever feel done. I have asked my mom, who gave birth to five and adopted 3 and she said she never did feel done, even after she had to have a hystorectomy. I need to ask my MIL who had 10 (5 with her first spouse, and 5 with my FIL) if she ever felt done, she had her last at 44, so knew she was done, but I wonder if she felt done.

Sorry, so rambly, but just having many similar thoughts Pam! Smile

As to having another, would you pick Filipino or another race (just curious Smile ) And what would be the cost involved? Is the friend willing to donate his sperm? I would also wonder about explaining it to the kids, I think my oldest would wonder why the baby looked different than them, not that it would bother her, just that she would want to know why (my kids are super curious about genetics and which relative they get this or that body part from and personality traits).

Good luck deciding and KUP!

Last seen: 2 years 9 months ago
Joined: 12/01/05
Posts: 1000

We feel like we could be done right now, but we also would like to adopt at least one more child. Neither of us is really interested in trying to get pg again for a number of good reasons.

Last seen: 3 years 10 months ago
Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

I'm having the same struggle. We've got four lovely, healthy kids. I love being pregnant and have had wonderful pregnancies and births. Four kids, close in age was always our plan and everything went according to plan. So I should be perfectly content, right?

We figured that we would wait a couple years after #4 and then DH would go make things permanent. BUT, now I'm not sure. I sort of want one more and *think* I would feel done with five. I can't imagine myself with 6 kids, but who knows, maybe I'll face the same feelings no matter how many we have??

I guess I haven't really added much in the way of advice, but you definitely aren't alone with your feelings!

toothy35's picture
Last seen: 12 months 2 days ago
Joined: 02/20/06
Posts: 4578

well i had essure place so i am officially done.......jack is 10.5 months and baby fever is hitting hard......we are down to nursing 2 times a day......and i KNOW i could do it all over again.....the whole nine yards........i REALLY think i just will always feel like i am not done......i am just trying to refocus my babyfever energy into raising and loving all the different stages in my children's life.....and i'm actually going to focus on me for a bit.....i'd like to lose some weight and feel fabulous for when i turn 40!!!!!!!!!

turtnjay's picture
Last seen: 3 years 9 months ago
Joined: 02/24/09
Posts: 2095

Hmmm...this is tough. Because I am not sure anyone actually fully feels done forever, you know?

I had 3 children very early and was DONE for years! And I mean YEARS...13 to be exact. Once they became teenagers I was suddenly hit with baby fever and the want of a new life. Luckily DH had always been wanting more children so he was very excited I was finally there, too.

I had my youngest when my oldest was 18 and my twins were 16. Many think it odd but it is perfect for our family. And I am now pregnant again with #5. I knew shortly after having #4, that we would be adding more.

The other day DH said something about #6. :eek: I asked if he was serious and he said he's not ruling it out. I honestly have not thought about it. I am enjoying this pregnancy and raising all my boys to think that far ahead. I do know that he said he doesn't want to make any permanent decisions. And I am thankful for that.

I can share that my mother has always talked about her family as being incomplete. She always wanted a 4th child but my dad said absolutely not so she had tubes tied. She regrets it to this day. She has always said she was looking for that 4th child when we were eating or playing. The family just didn't feel complete to her.

butterflykissesx6's picture
Last seen: 2 years 12 months ago
Joined: 06/28/07
Posts: 509

I had my tubes tied after's kinda weird but I don't like the powerless feeling I have of not be able to have more if I so chose to. I know I'm done...I'll be 40 in a month and I just became a grandma 4 months ago.

I seriously thought after 4, I was done too. I ever considered secretly having my tubes tied without my hubby knowing it. I thought he'd change his mind wanting kids too. I know he really would have liked to have tried again for a boy....but he had his 2 shots at it. Lol

bamsmom's picture
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 05/05/07
Posts: 1635

Well after #3 I had a feeling that I was not done so I refused to get a tubal and would not let DH have a V. When Izzy turned 1 the baby fever started, but I knew the timing wasnt right. I had to work on DH to get him to agree to #4 and after a MC in 11/10 we knew more then ever that we wanted 1 more. God has blessed us now with 4 and 5 and I can honestly tell all of you ladies that we are DONE! I never dreamed I would be a Mommy of 5, but God had other plans.... but I have already told my OB that I want a tubal during my csection~!

Melissas_crew's picture
Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
Joined: 08/30/10
Posts: 68

I always said 6 was my limit, a few hours after Emily was born, I had my tubes tied. Well now that she is 2 months old, I am thinking I am not done. In 5-8 years, I may look into have the tubal reversed or ivf. I do not think I will ever feel done.

MrsSchepp's picture
Last seen: 3 years 2 days ago
Joined: 12/30/06
Posts: 496

I think that being a mom of a big family, I will always have the longing for "just one more". I think that is just how we are built Smile That said, we always agreed that 6 would be our absolute limit and it looks like we are getting our wish on that Smile Even after this one, I am sure that longing will come back but I have to logically tell myself that it is not feasible for us. Each mom and family are different with what works for them!

Last seen: 1 year 1 month ago
Joined: 07/21/02
Posts: 1007

I definitely don't feel done with 3--hence #4 is coming Smile I also wonder if I'll get that "done" feeling. My MIL has 6 kids and she honestly says that she was very happy to move into the next stage--of big kids and no more babies. At that time, her oldest (my dh) was 19 and her youngest was a newborn. She says she just felt done. I wonder if I'll get that too?

We are tentatively planning on 5--with 4 and 5 being close in age if possible. Right now my kids are 7.5, 5.5, and 3 by the end of this month. So my #3 and 4 will be 3.5 years apart. I never wanted that big of a spread between my last 2 kids--but with 2 miscarriages in between, it couldn't be helped. I guess we will re-evaluate after 5 and see if we feel DONE.

In any case, I don't think dh or I will ever either have any permanent birth control option. If I am meant to have more when actively doing all I can to prevent, then maybe they were meant to be a part of our family LOL My IL's decided they were done, and neither had any permanent BC, and were able to avoid getting pg--and she jokes that they couldn't wash their underwear in the same wash load and not get pg! ROFL I hope we have similar success....then there is always the chance that IF we feel "more" later on then we can go for it.

Last seen: 3 years 10 months ago
Joined: 11/07/06
Posts: 707

I'm done done done after this be perfectly honest I was done after Cole.....this one was an oops.......

Sarah-Jean's picture
Last seen: 2 years 4 months ago
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I go back and forth. My life is so hectic right now with businesses and work that I really don't see me being able to fit in being pregnant and nursing a newborn, especially as I get so sick... So most days I feel done. In fact I was a few weeks late a couple of months ago and I had an absolute fit over it as I really didn't want to be pregnant and was paranoid I was!

But then VERY occasionally I get these little broody twinges and think "one more" would be great!

So at this stage we're not making any decisions either way. If, when business calms down and money is better and the kids are a little more grown up, we still feel we want another one then we'll go ahead. But the thought of having one now is not something I could even entertain!