I think we have talked about this, but...

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Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722
I think we have talked about this, but...

What do you do to mentally prepare yourself from the look of horror some people will give you when you announce you are pregnant again? I know my neighbors are going to act nice...and probably go out and gossip about me behind my back (I feel like Im back in middle school with this neighborhood, the gossip, and the cliques...its flippin' ridiculous) and my family will be in full out outrage Im afraid!! Today I was talking to my mom about coming to visit us in June to see the kids in their dance recital, and I realized that is when I am due...and started thinking about having to tell her and I felt literally sick to my stomach! I have not been able to sleep because I am so worried about the responses I will get and how I will deal with it!! My skin is so thin...the hurtful words seep right in! Sad Any advice!.....I have already started doing what I promised myself I wouldnt! I said I would take one day at a time and get past each hurdle as they come!! Since I dont even know if my baby will stick with me yet (hopefully it will), why do I torture myself with this stuff? Smile

MrsSchepp's picture
Joined: 12/30/06
Posts: 496

I always make sure and tell at least a couple people who I know are going to be genuinely happy for us first. That way I have some positive before the negative Smile I don't know about you, but once we had #4, people really stopped being so surprised that I was pregnant again! We really didn't get any truly negative comments this time. Just the regular "Big surprise!" type stuff Smile Good luck...it is always hard to hear the hurtful things Sad

ashamom27's picture
Joined: 07/06/06
Posts: 1010

With my last few pregnancies, I didn't tell anyone except for my BFF ( neighbor). Then, I just started showing and there was no doubt that I was pregnant. People didn't even say anything- a few insincere "congratulations" dribbled out...
Funny thing - I told my Dad ( over the phone, they are in Poland) and he was kind of speechless. He didn't have the guts to tell my mom yet!!! LOL! My mom is just like yours. She thinks I will end up in insane asylum from "having all those kids" .
Honestly the biggest fear I had was telling my older kids. I was worried that my high-schooler would be embarrassed to have a pregnant mom, but they were supportive! That was a big relief. If your own kids and DH are happy- you shouldn't worry about anyone else. Remember, you might regret not having a child, but you won't regret having one!!!

Joined: 07/21/02
Posts: 1007

This is only #4 for us and I get comments all.the.time. about having more. As of right now, I tell people who act surprised or shocked, or whatever that we always planned on 5--that way when I announce #5, I won't get the shock factor again! LOL I think most of my neighbors are pretty supportive even though most only had 1-2 (or 0) kids. One of my neighbors had planned 3 but has twins for 3&4 so I'm just almost caught up to her--she doesn't say anything, of course Smile And another one had 2 and then adopted 4 more (one at a time) from China. So luckily my neighbors aren't really gossipy or thinking we are too weird. But from the kids school friends mom's I get some weird looks. I always mention how much I love for my kids to have siblings to play with.

My IL's love our big family (they had 6 themselves and might have had more if my MIL didn't have such horrible, sick pregnancies and all c/s deliveries. My mom had 4 but she still thinks I have a lot of kids--but never says anything bad. So for me its mostly aquaintence (sp?) that say anything, and I just have to be "poo" at them in my attitude.

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Well we only have 4 and my mom has been disappointed with every one of them so I don't expect much different at this point. My dad to a lesser extent, was more surprised. Other than them and some friends everyone else has actually been happy for us. Oh except my mom's parents, who asked if we knew what caused 'that'. If we were to have another (not likely since dh had a vasectomy Blum 3 ) I'd probably just say "We're happy to tell you that we're expecting another baby!" to those who I thought might show a bad reaction. At least they might think twice, and really, all that matters is that you, your dh and your kids are happy.
I'm not much of one for being argumentative but if I were I'd probably ask anyone with a negative reaction how my having another baby would affect them.

TyrantOfTheWeek's picture
Joined: 12/26/05
Posts: 1147

Just post it on Facebook :shrug: That's what I did. Knowing very well that people were going to be apathetic (My mother) or rude (My aunts making stupid/sarcastic comments reminding me that I do in fact know how it happened). Also, if you have lots of pregnancy.org friends on FB, they all 'like' your post and give you tons of congrats. (My pregnancy announcement got like 45 'likes' which made me feel great!)
I also posted a pic of the ++ test. (All 3 of em!) Which got 'liked' by lots of people.

turtnjay's picture
Joined: 02/24/09
Posts: 2095

It can definitely be hard, that's for sure. Especially when you add in those raging hormones...tear city! Sad

I am currently preggo with #5 and we never say anything until after the first u/s at about 11 weeks. That way we 'know' things are going good. Once I have that first u/s I am so freaking happy and excited, I couldn't care less what anyone says...I have a baby growing inside me!!

My older 3 are much older and then we have a 21 month old and I'm 7 months along and we get tons of 'talk' about our age gap, or another baby, etc. I smile and say it works perfect for us because it really does! I can't help it if they don't understand. Just remember, it's your life, and only you have to answer for it...no one else. If you chose to do something because of others, that regret is only on your shoulders, not theirs.

My mother has ALWAYS regretted not having baby #4. ALWAYS! I heard stories from her since I can remember about another baby boy, naming him Scott, etc. it never left her. That always sticks with me.

joyjim's picture
Joined: 05/22/06
Posts: 822

I am pregnant with my fourth. There were a lot of people I did not tell and just waited until they noticed. Some just noticed recently because we had a garage sale and family gathering on back to back weekends. The comments are brutal. But I was told by another large family to be prepared with fun answers. Last week when a neighbor asked if I know what causes "that" I told her DH will not let me find out. Made me laugh while she was being a bit nasty.

Mommyin0406080912's picture
Joined: 02/16/08
Posts: 1644

Honestly this is hard for me too. I let things get under my skin and they really hurt! People are mean outsiders, family, friends some can be so MEAN! I don't understand this! I think having a large family really shows you who your real friends are.

A lot of great women on this board offer so much advice on this. I mean why should I let all that garbage get to me? Why do I let it get to me? I think for me I don't want my kids to think that having a large family is a bad thing. I don't want them to think that they should never have kids because people are rude and say things. Sometimes I just want to shout at the rude people SHAME ON YOU!

The best advice I have to offer is hold your head up high don't let it get to you and walk away with a smile on your face. Never give them anything that might make them happy in return! Some people are stupid and don't mean to say things but others want to get something out of you to make them feel better about what they said.

Sending hugs to you. Just be happy and enjoy this time!

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I'm sorry you have unsupportive family and ppl around you. Sad

Thankfully both of our families are super supportive and will be excited with each pregnancy, truly. Being LDS where large families are more prevalent has helped of course. lol. DH's mom is always saying, "You can have as many babies are you want." It makes me laugh, so glad I have her permission. lol. But usually it is just after I have given birth, even to the twins. lol.

I do have a few extended family members that are not happy when I am pg, and I just smile and say, "each of my pregnancies was planned." And they can say very little. And even if you have one that wasn't.. you are planning to have a baby, so what can they say to that. Smile

But to the naysayers... I second the sentiments of others here. You may regret not having another, but will never regret that you had one more. And as long as you are happy, that is what counts. I like Heidi's idea of telling a few ppl you know will be happy before you tell the negative ppl. Hugs!

Joined: 11/07/06
Posts: 707

I just had number 6 And I am a single momma (gasp). No she wasn't planned but she is definitely not loved any less than her siblings. Thankfully my mom and my dad and step mom are super supportive and LOVE being grandparents so they were all ok with it.
When people ask me if I know what causes "it" I always tell them I do AND I LIKE IT ALOT....lol Smile

Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722

My mom is just really worried. With # 7 I had some things go very wrong at the end...it scared her. I got that pregnancy induced cholistasis (SP?) and my liver enzymes shot up and I turned all jaundice and I was super sick. But with #8...everything was fine except horrible carpel tunnel. She is also worried about how the heck I will pay for college. She is so worried, because I know it was her biggest regret...not going to college. My mother in law thinks there is NO WAY I can give the attention and love to these kids that they need. My sister in law thinks Im single handedly ruining the world with my selfishness and HUGE carbon footprint! My friends (and I use that word loosely...because sadly I dont really have any great friends) may or may not be nice about it. But I know the neighbors talk about me. I have one lady across the street that might be nice...but she is 40 and trying to get pregnant one last time, and Im actually afraid this might feel like a slap in the face. SHe told me the weekend after I found out I was pregnant and it really crossed my mind to tell her right then that I was already pregnant so it was just out there and I didnt feel like I was worrying about telling her at the right time! Anyways, thanks so much for your responses!! Maybe I will have to become friends with a bunch of you large family ladies on fb to get the LIKES so I have some happy support! Smile xoxo

TyrantOfTheWeek's picture
Joined: 12/26/05
Posts: 1147

You can definitely friend me on Facebook and I will like/comment/whatever you need.

3KiwiKids's picture
Joined: 03/08/03
Posts: 47

I'm so glad to have found this thread and everyone's recommendation, thanks. I'm also pg with #6 and am anticipating a nuclear fall out when I finally get around to telling my parents. The pressure is on to tell them soon as I'm already 17wks (they don't live close).

Joined: 12/01/05
Posts: 1000

Hi Esther. Congratulations! Good luck telling your parents.

Joined: 12/01/05
Posts: 1000

My MIL had 6 kids, by the way, and my parents had 5. My mom was one of 9, and my dad was one of 13. So I really don't get any flak from family, thank goodness. Anyone else, I can just ignore. Besides, I have some good friends who either have a lot of kids or have other friends with lots of kids. I think it's really important to have some good friends who are not judgmental about how many kids you have.

Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722

I feel like I live in an area where driving a BMW and wearing all the right stuff and playing tennis with the ladies or going golfing with the guys...is what is the "norm". We dont really fit into that profile with our 12 passanger van...I certainly dont play tennis, nor do I have a personal trainer, get mani's or pedi's or massages....my life is vastly different from that! My parents do not have that kind of life style at all...but they just know how hard I work. They see how tired I look over the years (especially the last 2 since I left my home town and they can not help me anymore) and they worry. Heck...sometimes I worry too!! But I just will have to suck it up and work harder...and maybe in a few years I will have to join some of my neighbors when they go for their botox and skin peel treatments to reverse some of the aging having all of these kids has done! Wink

Mommyin0406080912's picture
Joined: 02/16/08
Posts: 1644

Honestly I would rather enjoy my kids and do things with them! Who needs botox and tennis and bmw's and personal trainers! I have 4 almost 5 personal trainers at home! Hubby and I always say we will get to enjoy all the fun stuff later in life we are still young and want to raise a family and enjoy it. We live in an area that is middle to upper class and hubby is almost done with Law School so we might fit in that way but we will never fit in anywhere as a big family! Oh and I would never join a country club lol!

Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722

If we had 2-3 kids we could live like them, but honestly, I wouldnt!! I couldnt...its not how I was raised...and I would never get used to it, I dont think. I just wish I had some friends I could talk to irl so I had support...oh well...enough whining! 1 more week until the ultrasound...I so hope everything is ok so this worry can become a reality Smile

Lots-o-Tots's picture
Joined: 01/29/06
Posts: 574

It seems like people's reactions are so hit or miss. I know I've gotten judgmental responses in the past, so I was fully expecting looks of horror when I announced my pregnancy this time - the fact that we already have 6, that I'm 44, etc. etc. (because to be honest, I'm still a little horrified), but everyone so far has been overwhelmingly supportive and happy and offering congratulations to us.

But I guess that doesn't answer your question . . . and I wish I had an answer Sad I guess it boils down to take away what helps you and leave the rest. Easier said than done.