As you already can tell from the title, we found out yesterday that baby is no longer alive. He/she made it to an estimated 6 weeks.
I am definitely disapointed because I did not see this coming. I am doing pretty well though. I guess I just think of it with a scientific mind and I know that with a fairly early loss, that embryo (baby, whatever you want to call it) was more than likely not compatible with life and I am very relieved that this happened naturally now versus later. It just wasn't ment to be and that is ok. Mother nature knows best in that case. Maybe I am coming off as callouse, but I really don't feel like I am mourning a child.
I wrote a lot of journals to myself over these past few weeks, and reading back over them, I think my subconscious knew. I wasn't able to picture a baby and I couldn't get excited about this pregnancy. I kept telling myself it was because it is my third and I was just over this part. In 3/4 of my journals, I go on about how I just wasn't feeling it at all. With both my other pregnancies we told family and friends right away about them, we really didn't show much restraint. With this one, I made Mike promise not to tell people yet "just because". He didn't get it at first, but obviously respected my wishes. My family knew as did 3 close friends (and all of you of course).
What I am a little angry about is that my body has no idea still and it is not fair that I have to still have all these stupid prego symptoms like nausea, freq urination, and tiredness all for nothing. I feel so wrong having this inside of me, I just want the physical part over with. Not to mention I still have to pass everything at some point. It willl pass, life isn't fair, but I have a lot of support and 2 beautiful babies that make it hard to stay mad about anything.
My 2 best friends took me out to a nice steak house downtown last night and bought me too much wine, LOL. I have amazing friends.
I plan to wait through the weekend and early week next week to see if things start up naturally. If not, I am going to take the cervidil to induce things and get it over with. I have a nice bottle of percocet too because I do not want to feel it all if it happens to be very painful. I love my natural birth, but pass the drugs please for this! Since it was a pretty early loss, it might not be so bad.
Anyhoo, sorry to write a long depresing novel, thanks if you got through it all. Oh and please DO NOT TURN OFF YOUR SIGGYS! I love seeing them and seeing babies or pregnant people makes me happy.