Anyone else feel like TTC just makes you have more issues with your family than usual? I don't know what's wrong with me but for the last 6 months (which started with when I found out I was pregnant than the resulting m/c and all) I've been having major issues with my dad. I always have issues with him and made the decision years ago to either cut him out of my life or accept him as he is and have him in my life. I chose the latter and sometimes it's so hard. He's an alcoholic, and he just gets worse all the time. The things that have been bugging me lately are that he always talks to me like I'm a complete idiot. I swear he does not know that I am no longer 5 years old and that I can tell when he's lying to me. He lies about everything. He even puts words into my grandfather's mouth which makes me mad. He passed away almost 3 years ago and since then my dad talks about how close they were (this grandfather was my mom's dad) and he always talks about all of these wise things my grandfather told him. Except I know a lot of it isn't true. I was very very close to my grandfather and it may sounds nuts but I swear he's been visiting me in my dreams since I lost the baby in April. I know the baby is with him and that they're happy together and I know he's been helping me get better. So I guess I'm more touchy about it than usual, but seriously? It's not like my grandfather is here to defend himself. I just find it in very poor taste.
My dad is also constantly lying about where he is. He'll call me at 9pm and tell me he's just getting off work but he's slurring his speech so bad he's obviously been to the bar already and is quite drunk. He's not the hang out in a bar all day, dead beat kind of drunk. He's a counselor and he works for himself and is a a business man, but he's a total closet alcoholic. I'm not sure anyone but his family and drinking buddies have a clue. He would never admit that he was either but he has been my whole life.
Sometimes I think about when I was little and how long I waited at night for him to come home because I was scared to sleep without Daddy there. It'd be 3am sometimes before he came home and I went to sleep. And this is when I was little. Maybe 5-10. Of course when I got older I knew where he was but when I was little I thought he was out of town on business. He showed up to school functions drunk if he showed up at all and of course everyone knew and it was so embarrassing. And lately it's all been bothering me so much. I guess just because I know I could never hurt my own children that way. I would never ever put them through something like that. And even now he still won't admit any of it, and he acts like I'm just remembering it wrong.
Ugh! Sorry for the huge rant. I guess TTC just makes me reflect or something. I think about how much I want children and family and what a wonderful father DH is going to be and I just don't get how my dad is the way he is sometimes. Ok rant over. If you read all of this you deserve an award. Lol. This is longer than my average rant.
It's not just you but ((big hugs)) that is a hard situation to deal with. I'm sorry you had to go through that in your childhood it isn't fair at all. My father and brother are alcoholics as well as my paternal grandpa and uncle (and my mom's side isn't a ton better really) so you can see the unfortunate pattern here. My father and grandpa deny being alcoholics while my uncle and brother admit it sometimes. My brother is a drink til I drop drunk though most days he manages to work ( there was a time though where he couldn't) and has almost died in various accidents many times, though lately he is managing ( if that's even possible) his drinking better. My father and grandfather are what they like to call social drinkers and what I like to call "maintainers" they almost never get drunk enough to fall down and while they're annoying they can keep up appearances somewhat but I'm certain they wouldn't pass a field sobriety test. Not that they normally drinking and drive they mostly sit around either griping at everyone or teasing everyone to the point of madness. Drunk or sober I've never done anything to please my father my whole life and he refuses to see it though my brother who is a mess most times can never displease him. Anyway not to hijack your thread but after losing Noah I just couldn't stand his treatment anymore not of me, not of my dh, and certainly not of my kids ( he nitpicks them too tho they seem to just brush it off, it really irks me). So I had a decision to make my therapist was all for my cutting him out of my life but that would hurt my mother greatly and we are very close ( she can't stand up to my father for crap though). So I made it clear I wouldn't accept less than respectful treatment towards us all or we would leave and I made good on that promise. Things are a bit better but we will never get along all I can hope is that he builds a better relationship with the kids.
Sorry you are having a rough time. I had my latest m/c just over a year ago and I found this last year has been horrible. I have had other things to deal with as well and all the stress of TTC, and everything else is taking its toll.
Sean (38 )
Bailey (April 2, 2011)
"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." Caroline Myss
Host of Living with Diabetes
I'm not sure if you'll find this information helpful or not, but I work at an addiction treatment centre, and hear stories much like yours. Even if your dad doesn't think he has a problem, and does not want help, there are often programs for family members of those who are addicted.
Every 6 months, our organization hosts an evening with guest speakers, and tokens are awarded for those who have completed their programs, or have achieved a year of sobriety, we just had one this past Tuesday. Anyways, we had a guest speaker from a family member program who shared her experience, and found that her group and counsellor really helped her understand, and let go in a way.
Addiction is so complex, but sometimes people really just need an ultimatum, and the risk of losing something important to them in order to see that getting help is the only solution.
Sorry you have to go through this, and now of all times
Losses 13.09.12 & 10.04.13
Thanks for all of your responses ladies!
Tiffany that sounds a lot like my dad's family. It's not just him. All of his brothers have gone through it, but are sober at this point in time. His dad had issues too but once they told him to stop drinking because of his heart he did without problem so I think my dad just has more of a problem than the rest of them.
Sometimes I really think about going back to counseling. I went to a counselor when my parents were getting a divorce. My mom would not put up with all of my dad's crap and finally said enough is enough. He was a real jerk about it at times but of course now even though he's remarried all he talks about is how happy they were and how much he loves her. But if anything she says contradicts him he gets all jerky again. I doubt I'm important enough to him for losing me to be any kind of ultimatum for him but it's hard to say. I never really can figure him out. I know he means well but sometimes I think that's just not enough anymore.