Anyone else feel like TTC just makes you have more issues with your family than usual? I don't know what's wrong with me but for the last 6 months (which started with when I found out I was pregnant than the resulting m/c and all) I've been having major issues with my dad. I always have issues with him and made the decision years ago to either cut him out of my life or accept him as he is and have him in my life. I chose the latter and sometimes it's so hard. He's an alcoholic, and he just gets worse all the time. The things that have been bugging me lately are that he always talks to me like I'm a complete idiot. I swear he does not know that I am no longer 5 years old and that I can tell when he's lying to me. He lies about everything. He even puts words into my grandfather's mouth which makes me mad. He passed away almost 3 years ago and since then my dad talks about how close they were (this grandfather was my mom's dad) and he always talks about all of these wise things my grandfather told him. Except I know a lot of it isn't true. I was very very close to my grandfather and it may sounds nuts but I swear he's been visiting me in my dreams since I lost the baby in April. I know the baby is with him and that they're happy together and I know he's been helping me get better. So I guess I'm more touchy about it than usual, but seriously? It's not like my grandfather is here to defend himself. I just find it in very poor taste.
My dad is also constantly lying about where he is. He'll call me at 9pm and tell me he's just getting off work but he's slurring his speech so bad he's obviously been to the bar already and is quite drunk. He's not the hang out in a bar all day, dead beat kind of drunk. He's a counselor and he works for himself and is a a business man, but he's a total closet alcoholic. I'm not sure anyone but his family and drinking buddies have a clue. He would never admit that he was either but he has been my whole life.
Sometimes I think about when I was little and how long I waited at night for him to come home because I was scared to sleep without Daddy there. It'd be 3am sometimes before he came home and I went to sleep. And this is when I was little. Maybe 5-10. Of course when I got older I knew where he was but when I was little I thought he was out of town on business. He showed up to school functions drunk if he showed up at all and of course everyone knew and it was so embarrassing. And lately it's all been bothering me so much. I guess just because I know I could never hurt my own children that way. I would never ever put them through something like that. And even now he still won't admit any of it, and he acts like I'm just remembering it wrong.
Ugh! Sorry for the huge rant. I guess TTC just makes me reflect or something. I think about how much I want children and family and what a wonderful father DH is going to be and I just don't get how my dad is the way he is sometimes. Ok rant over. If you read all of this you deserve an award. Lol. This is longer than my average rant.