Its been years! I need support, I'm having a hard time!

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Joined: 06/13/12
Posts: 3
Its been years! I need support, I'm having a hard time!

Hey everyone, It has been so long since I have been on here, some of you are facebook friends, And I see alot of you still frequent here, Not sure who remembers me, I had to open a new account because I could not remember my sign in , and my email had changed since I was last on here. I'm Bonnie, I was part of this club, I had Julianna, my sweet(or not so sweet) little girl...also have a 5 year old Drew, and after Julianna was born I opened my in home daycare....
But right now I'm just struggling with Julianna, for the longest time, she was such a lovey mommies girl, And Yes I LOVED that, but in the past few weeks, she has just done a comeplete 180, And she is now a mommy hater, nd I am trying to just shrug it off, as a stage but inside it is tearing me up, she can be just so mean to me, And it just seems to me like shes just to young to be saying "I don't love you" Shes turned into such a daddy's girl, And I'm okay with her being that, it just sucks that she has to constantly rub it in.......I mean she will go over to him and just in her arms, and then turn her head to me and glare at me like HAHA. she tries everything to make me sad, when I make her mad she will tell me, (most times in the middle of the night both our kids crawl into our bed at some point) but she will tell me "me sleeping by daddy tonight , not you!" I always respond saying "thats nice honey, daddy loves when you sleep by him , and that makes mommy happy" She has been just screaming at me, when she gets mad( I rarely raise my voice), when she screams I just take her down to her room and put her in there. I am very firm with her, she doesn't ever just get away with any of it, but its hard lately I find myself just wanting to give in to her, and just let her hve whatever she wants to keep her from being mean to me (I never would do that! I DO NOT want a spoiled little girl, but you know what I mean, I just find myself so tired of having to correct the naughty behavior, And since I'm home all day, I do the majority of the discipline and see the majority of the bad behavior that I am the hated one. My husband is a great disciplinarian also though, we are always on the same page, and he helps out tremendously when he is home, and you can bet that the minute he walks in the dorr from, work, any and all her her needs and requests need to be directed to daddy. Shes also just draining me emotionally because she pulls her hair out, since she was about 1, I noticed at night when she was falling asleep she would be playing with her hair, but I started to notice, she was pulling pieces out to play with them, and put them in her mouth...she had a huge bald spot on her head, I took her in just to check it out, especially since it seemed that she was eating most of it. She is not doing this due to stress, and its not Trichotellomania(?) due to anxiety, they said its just common in toddlers, and when they do this at this age it due to comfort........but it get incrediably frustrating, and I have a very hard time ignoring it, because its hard to watch her walk around, and rip out pieces of hair, so I am always saying, "honey don't pull your hair out" and she gets very upset when I say this, I TRY so hard not to, but its so HARD! she goes through phases, at times its worse than, I try to just distract her, she can have gum whenever she wants to keep her mouth occupied, or I will even give her floss to play with in her hands, she does sleep in gloves at nap and bed times, since those are the worst, and when I first notice it in the morning, I go and put her hair up really good out of her face and not hanging down on her. But its hard for me to ignore, and I always point it out to her, which she gets so mad about...........I know 3 can be a very hard age and all kids go through phases where they have bad weeks and they act up more........I just really feel hated lately , and its making me so sad, And I'm having a hard seeing the end of the tunnell, and I feel like she is the only 3 year old girl that is mean to her mommy like this.....I feel like shes to young to say she doesn't like me.

Thanks, Bonnie

gardenbug's picture
Joined: 03/12/07
Posts: 2025

Do take a look here: http://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/backtalk-and-attitude/how-do-you-handle-your-negative-complaining-child/

The author talks about looking at the whole child, seeing that "negativity seems to be just one of a whole host of emotions that swirl around in the body of this passionate child of mine." I think that is a helpful tool.
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Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/backtalk-and-attitude/how-do-you-handle-your-negative-complaining-child/#ixzz1xhq8eASV
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Read the replies as well. One interesting response mentions hunger and tiredness as contributing factors...low blood sugar. Lots of good ideas there.

Joined: 06/13/12
Posts: 3

Shes not so much negative though, I definatley know when she is tired and hungry, Its not negativity, and bad attitude....It specifically just how she treats me....thats they hard part for me right now, just feeling like she just dislikes me, I know she doesn't truly dislike me, I just feel like I'm alone in how she can be so mean with the I don't like you comments at such at such a young age, I guess what I'm hoping to find is not how to fix this problem, but that Others have experienced it.....but thank you Gardenbug

rachelperry1983's picture
Joined: 04/13/07
Posts: 809

Good to see you, I think about you often!! You said you have a FB, friend me on there....Rachel Perry Douglas Smile

kirsteng's picture
Joined: 10/19/02
Posts: 644

Sorry you're having a hard time at the moment - and good to see you again.. I remember you! Smile

Hair pulling: I would find that SUPER hard too, anyone would. Especially with little girls, who have longer hair and you want them to look pretty. :bighug:
If it's not anxiety related though, and the dr feels you don't have to worry, I'm sure she'll grow out of it if she doesn't get any attention for it, negative or positive.

I do understand how hard it is to watch though, as my older daughter (age 7) is a nail and cuticle biter and it's SO hard not to be on her every time I see her hands in her mouth. Some of it is most definitely defiance though, so them knowing we want them to stop can be counterproductive.

My duckling Grady is also a head=basher. Similar to what yours is doing, in that it's not for anxiety or upset, it's solely a comfort thing. He started it at 9 months old in the crib, and falls asleep with it every night. He climbs into the armchair in his room and 'bashes' (really a strong rocking back and forth where he bends at the waist and pushes back with a good amount of force). He's always happy when he does it, and will do it to music, or the theme music to his favourite shows etc. I personally hate it as it looks like the film you see of Romanian kids in 1980's orphanages... but there's nothing I can do about it either.

This too shall pass.

Wink

As for the 'hating you' phase, I've watched 2 out of my 3 do the exact same thing - but not to me, to DH. It becomes fun to provoke a reaction, whether kind or frustrated. Once it starts, I find it has to run its course.. and nothing will stop it. Any reaction is carefully watched, and I realize how hard it must be to have NONE. It's hurtful, random, mean... all of the above. DH has tried sharpness, kindness, walking away... none of them matter because they can see in subtle ways that they've provoked a strong reaction. You will have to wait it out, and literally ignore everything to do with it as if your daughter didn't do/say anything. Change the subject... like if you say "can I have a hug?" and she responds "I hate you mommy".... you should try ignoring the behaviour, not the child. So follow up with a cheerful "what should we do now, a puzzle or play dolls"? If she comes back with something else mean, I'd say "that's okay, maybe we can play something later". Then turn to DH and change the subject, or if no one else is there, just happily move on to another activity.

I think it'll still take time though... hang in there mama! Smile

kirsteng's picture
Joined: 10/19/02
Posts: 644

I'm going to loook you up on FB too!

LullabyMommy's picture
Joined: 09/11/08
Posts: 237

Hi Bonnie! It is so good to hear from you again. I'm sorry things are rough with Julianna right now. I'm afraid I haven't had the same issues, so I don't have much advice. One thing that did hit me as I read your post, though, was that maybe DH could make a point of prioritizing you over Julianna just so she sees that she cannot manipulate her relationship with him to affect you negatively. I'm not suggesting that he ignore her, as I'm sure he enjoys having daddy-daughter time, but maybe just make sure you are the first person he greets when he comes home and that cuddling with you at bedtime takes priority over cuddling with her. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe a daddy's affection and interaction are VERY important to a daughter's self-confidence as she grows up. I just think her security might also be boosted knowing her mommy and daddy's relationship has to come first to have a stable family and that framework can't be weakened by her efforts to monopolize his affections. Does that make any sense?

Joined: 06/13/12
Posts: 3

Thanks for the replies, Shes actually been alot better the past few days, last week for a couple of days it just took a toll on me, after a couple of weeks I just got depressed for a couple days, and kirsten, I definitely will have my DH, make sure he comes to me first when he comes home.

fudd8963's picture
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 1630

Great to hear from you! Glad that she has been a little better this week. My one niece used to pull her hair. They actually had to give her a really cute short haircut so that she didn't keep pulling it so much. She is now 6 and has long beautiful hair that she leaves alone!

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