Ok so I'm in a daze today.. so flipping tired from a late night.. and I'm hormonal.
Was just looking at my ticker as it officially flipped to double digits!! I'm 1/4 of the way done, you guys.. Just stinking crazy...
The picture caught my attention - I live for the new pics, ya know.. lol.. - and I just couldn't help but feel a high level of sadness today for the bean that never was.
DD was an unplanned pregnancy but a ridiculiously loved one.. and to this day, is spoiled rotton. Well, back in 2007, another little bean was initially supposed to be part of our lives but unfortunately, did not thrive. I made it to about 7-8 weeks before my US scan showed there was a fluid sac but no baby. The nurse told me what I would be looking for if/when it passed. I watched for it anytime I went to the ladies room and finally one day, there it was. I'll spare the details of the next couple hours but I talked to the little "bean" and let it know how much it was loved and missed.
It's hard for me to bring this up because for the past 5+ years, I have brought it up one time due to the drama it creates in my family. (When my SIL m/c twins, it was a tragedy with tears and sorrow.. when I m/c'ed, it was "for the best cuz I was a single mom and already had one I needed to worry about")
So today, I'm going through my file cabinet and come across the U/S of this bean that never was and a flood of emotions came rushing over me.. Sometimes I can't help but as, 'Why?? What did I that was SOO bad to deserve this?"
It makes sense now why I can't help but hold my tummy throughout the day and talk to this bean in my heart.. and let it know how much it's 10 year old sister is waiting to meet him/her, healthy and strong.. and it's heavenly sibling want to see this bean again but not for a VERY, VERY long time.. and it's daddy is getty more antsy by the day with the anticipation of arrival.
To my 10 year old.. I love you so much, princess, and enjoy every second of our lives that we share!
To my heavenly bean.. I love you SOO much and wish you peace as you sit with my heavenly Father.. watch over us with the rest of our departed loved ones!
To my bean who is thriving at 10 weeks.. Grow, baby, grow.. Your daddy and I and your big sister can not wait to hold you.. and love you.. and teach you all about the joys of not only having a life but how to live! We know the amount of joy and happiness you will bring to us is immeasurable and crave learning so much about you every day!!
I agree. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think that talking about these things is really helpful towards healing. I'm glad you feel open enough to share and SHAME on your family for not allowing you to grieve. A loss is a loss, no matter what you current life 'set up' is. *hugs*
That's a very touching story, thank you for sharing. I'm very sorry for your loss. I had to go and get a box of kleenex just to finish reading.
Lara~ DS Deondre 14/03/2007
Bring on the waterworks... thanks for sharing with us. What a hard thing to go through, and what a blessing it is to have a healthy pregnancy and children - let's keep reminding ourselves of that as we ...
~~ Yaeli ~~
DH since 6/24/04
DS1 - 4/9/06
DS2 - 8/22/08
DD - 5/6/13
*Tears* That's so sad... It's sad that your family could not share in your grief, but know that we do. Your m/c experience sounds pretty similar to mine. I was also between 7-8 weeks and my last u/s showed an empty sac. I don't have a picture to keep of mine... Just several positive pee sticks that I've kept around as a reminder that I WAS pregnant. I couldn't face mine when the m/c happened, though.. It was dark throughout the bulk of mine, I kept the lights off as DH cleaned everything up for me because I didn't want to see. I feel your pain every year at the date of m/c and the bean's EDD.
Sean Thomas - 6/30/09 @ 7:17pm 8lb 8oz, 19", 40w5d
Calvin Michael - 2/28/11 @ 7:39pm 6lb 8oz, 18", 37w5d
Nolan Matthew - 5/1/13 @ 11:54pm 6lb 4oz, 19", 38w4d
May 26, 2010 - 7w1d