Ok so I'm in a daze today.. so flipping tired from a late night.. and I'm hormonal.
Was just looking at my ticker as it officially flipped to double digits!! I'm 1/4 of the way done, you guys.. Just stinking crazy...
The picture caught my attention - I live for the new pics, ya know.. lol.. - and I just couldn't help but feel a high level of sadness today for the bean that never was.
DD was an unplanned pregnancy but a ridiculiously loved one.. and to this day, is spoiled rotton. Well, back in 2007, another little bean was initially supposed to be part of our lives but unfortunately, did not thrive. I made it to about 7-8 weeks before my US scan showed there was a fluid sac but no baby. The nurse told me what I would be looking for if/when it passed. I watched for it anytime I went to the ladies room and finally one day, there it was. I'll spare the details of the next couple hours but I talked to the little "bean" and let it know how much it was loved and missed.
It's hard for me to bring this up because for the past 5+ years, I have brought it up one time due to the drama it creates in my family. (When my SIL m/c twins, it was a tragedy with tears and sorrow.. when I m/c'ed, it was "for the best cuz I was a single mom and already had one I needed to worry about")
So today, I'm going through my file cabinet and come across the U/S of this bean that never was and a flood of emotions came rushing over me.. Sometimes I can't help but as, 'Why?? What did I that was SOO bad to deserve this?"
It makes sense now why I can't help but hold my tummy throughout the day and talk to this bean in my heart.. and let it know how much it's 10 year old sister is waiting to meet him/her, healthy and strong.. and it's heavenly sibling want to see this bean again but not for a VERY, VERY long time.. and it's daddy is getty more antsy by the day with the anticipation of arrival.
To my 10 year old.. I love you so much, princess, and enjoy every second of our lives that we share!
To my heavenly bean.. I love you SOO much and wish you peace as you sit with my heavenly Father.. watch over us with the rest of our departed loved ones!
To my bean who is thriving at 10 weeks.. Grow, baby, grow.. Your daddy and I and your big sister can not wait to hold you.. and love you.. and teach you all about the joys of not only having a life but how to live! We know the amount of joy and happiness you will bring to us is immeasurable and crave learning so much about you every day!!