Postpartum insane...

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marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183
Postpartum insane...

This sucks. I've never been in this situation before. I've had baby blues or whatever, but nothing remotely close to this. I feel literally psychotic. Like I have myself convinced that I have a debilitating disease and will never be able to run and play with my children, watch them grow, etc. It is severe to the point that I saw my PCP yesterday for a neurology consult because I'm scared I have MS (due to tingling hands/feet the last few days). I'm experiencing severe, extreme anxiety, convinced I'm dying (I'm also convinced that I experienced a brain bleed or blood clot in brain during childbirth), etc. I made an appointment to see my OB tomorrow to talk about starting a medication for this. I can't go on like this... It is preventing me from functioning... Have barely been able to eat. Can't enjoy this incredibly sweet little baby. Just feel like I'm shrouded in darkness. Ugh. I am in constant fight-or-flight mode. Thank goodness my DH is a SAHD, because I need him. There is no way I'd be able to do this at home with all three kids all alone every day. He is my rock, the only thing keeping me remotely sane. I can't wait to see my doctor tomorrow and hopefully get started with some help. Thanks for listening to my vent. *Sigh*

ETA: To top things off, I've started running a low-grade fever tonight. One more thing to stress about and to make me feel crappy. Woe is me.

nidia's picture
Joined: 06/08/07
Posts: 1812

I'm sorry, Mary! I never really had the blues with Noah and I hope I don't with Lucas either. I hope you get something to help tomorrow. Even though I don't know what you're going through, I understand and hope that it's resolved soon.

blondiess4u's picture
Joined: 11/08/07
Posts: 1450

Hugs! I remember how hard postpartum feelings were! Sounds like you got it 10 times worse! so sorry! It's good that you recognize it and know you need to get help! It's no fun feeling like that. I hope you can find something that will help you get through this time. It WILL get better!!!

MJDttc's picture
Joined: 08/12/12
Posts: 1118

EEP! I hope the medication kicks in quick, and I hope you get some relief.

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2439

Huge Huge hugs! Hopefully tomorrow the doc will get you started to feel better.

ILoveMyMiniMe's picture
Joined: 12/11/03
Posts: 2333

:bigarmhug: Mary, I'm so sorry you're struggling right now, friend.. But please know you're doing EVERYTHING right! You're asking for help and allowing your husband to be the rock he's supposed to be. That is what is going to make the difference.

Trust me - You're not alone in the quest to kick the blues.. Hang in there, lady.. :grouphug:

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

(((bighugs))) I'm so sorry you are having a rough PP this time. Sad Dealing with the emotions while hormones level out is bad enough and while there is always the physical recovery from pregnancy and the birth it sounds like you are dealing with some pretty scary physical symptoms. I would be concerned about that too. I agree with PP's that reaching out to those around you, for medical and emotional support, is the best thing and it sounds like you are seeking the help and answers you need. I really hope seeing your doctor today helps. Please KUP on how you are doing.

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

Well I got a call this morning that my doc was out sick. First time he's ever called in sick on me, and he has delivered all 3 of my babies. Of course it's when I'm in the midst of a crisis. They did get me in with a different doctor who did give me a Rx for zoloft, so I started that today. Can't wait for it to get to work. Sucks that it takes a couple weeks or so. He said he wouldn't worry about the temp unless it hit 100.4, and it is holding steady in the 99's. I didn't hear back from the primary doc about my blood test results or from the neurologist about a consult yet. I hope they can find me some answers on the tingling hands/feet sooner rather than later, and that it's something harmless. I really want to enjoy my boys and my last ever maternity leave.

ILoveMyMiniMe's picture
Joined: 12/11/03
Posts: 2333

Came back to check in on you, Mary.. I'm sorry your Dr called out sick on you but VERY glad someone was able to work with you and get a plan in the works. PLEASE keep us posted..

On a personal note, if you need anything, please let me know.. even if it's a texting buddy (which I am to a few people on these boards Lol ) The last thing you need is to feel like no one understands or that you're alone. You're not! :bigarmhug:

MJDttc's picture
Joined: 08/12/12
Posts: 1118

So glad they got you started on the road to feeling better. Those neuro consults seem to take longer.

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

Bummer on the sick doc! But glad you were able to see someone...I hope the prescription kicks in quickly and effectively for you. :bigarmhug:

Mom2D's picture
Joined: 09/24/07
Posts: 87

(((HUGS))) Hope you feel better soon. It's nice to hear DH is so supportive & you're getting some help from the doctor. Try & rest as much as you can to give your body a chance to recover. Being sleep deprived can make you feel so much worse.

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

Thanks for the encouragement, girls. Smile I'm still hanging in there. Still highly anxious, and now I have a UTI also. When it rains, it pours. Speaking of which, I'm reading "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Shields about her PPD. Mine is more of a post-partum anxiety, which doesn't get as much attention, but apparently still affects about 1 in 10 postpartum women. I'm enjoying the book so far. Makes me feel a bit less alone, even though I'm not actually to the part about her PPD yet. Still reading about her struggles to TTC and difficult delivery. It sucks to feel so out of control, like I'm dying, etc. I want to be able to enjoy little man and I feel like I can't. I'm shaking constantly, have had heart palpitations, chest pain, headache... I've had two ER visits, a visit with the primary care doc, and an OB visit in the last week. It's all SO unlike me. I sincerely hope this is all just an insane hormonal thing, but it's strange to me that I never had anything like this with my other two. Unreal.

MJDttc's picture
Joined: 08/12/12
Posts: 1118

Are you breastfeeding?
I had really great rapid results with Seroquil and Respiradal, it doesn't have to build up like some of the others. Maybe your doc would be willing to do a short term of something more fast acting? If you are to the shaking phase, I would think that makes it more urgent.

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

I am breastfeeding, so that sorta limits my options. Today was day 3 of zoloft. I'm taking it one day at a time. I feel marginally better today... I'm at least not in a constant state of hyperventilation the way I have been the last 6 days. God, hyperventilating nonstop for 6 days. It's a wonder I haven't passed out. I'm happy that my breathing has reached more of a normal level today and I'm not thinking about it as much. I found this thread that has a lot of posts on it that I could have written myself, they all hit home SO much...

http://www.whattoexpect.com/groups/m/postpartum-depression/discussion/7275289

I sincerely hope that what I'm dealing with is just severe anxiety, but it's hard to be convinced otherwise when I'm sure I have a horrid debilitating disease. Wish the neuro doc would call soon. My family doc said they should call within 10 days.

MJDttc's picture
Joined: 08/12/12
Posts: 1118

One of the main things is to stay away from WebMD or googling symptoms. I am a bit of a hypochondriac, before I took out my IUD I was convinced I had copper poisoning (though it was HIGHLY unlikely...).

If you have been hyperventilating so much maybe that was what was causing the tingling? I hope the neuro guy calls you back tomorrow.

nidia's picture
Joined: 06/08/07
Posts: 1812

Mary, was just checking on you and I'm glad things seem to be getting better for you! Hang in there girlie.

2luvs's picture
Joined: 09/10/10
Posts: 118

I was thinking about you too and wondering how you were doing....

Joined: 08/25/10
Posts: 385

Hang in there Mary!!! Big HUGS!

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

I'm still here, still convinced something is horribly wrong with me. Still tingling. Still anxious 24/7, which I'm sure is not helping the tingling. Still no call from neuro... Hopefully this week. Today was day 9 of the Zoloft. I really hope it kicks in soon and starts helping. So far, I'm not feeling any benefit whatsoever. I know it can take a few weeks, but it's hard to be patient when I feel like this all day, every day. I have never been so out-of-my-mind in my life. It is really unbelievable. And I'm naturally an anxious person, but never anything remotely close to this. Ugghh...

My blood pressure has been out of control, which is not helping my anxiety at all. During my pregnancy, I took labetalol 100mg twice daily. After delivery, I've been back to the ER twice for out-of-control BP's, like 180/115. They didn't do anything for me, just left me in the bed until it came down on its own, then sent me home. So the third time it happened, I said I was NOT going back to the ER again, so I paged my OB after hours and talked to him about it for almost 20 minutes. He told me to increase the labetalol to 200mg twice daily. So I did that, and the next night, my BP was still quite high. So I called the after-hours line again (it always happens at night, grr)... And I got a different doctor, but he told me to go up to 200mg three times daily. So I've officially gone from 100mg twice daily to 200mg three times daily, just to get this BP under control. None of it is helping my stress level at all. When the BP spikes, the tingling is worse (it is inherently related to the BP or due to the fact that it causes me anxiety?). I am convinced I'll have a stroke and die. OMG. I hate this so, so much. I really hope that the BP will be under control now and that the zoloft will start to kick in soon. I'm losing my mind here. The last three nights AND tonight, I've been having one of my parents come spend the evening and stay all night at my house. They live about an hour and 15 minutes away, and I'm scared I'm going to have to make a hasty exit to the ER or something and won't have anyone to watch the kids except for DH. Sad, but true. It comforts me to have them here. Plus they can play with the kids and keep them from jumping all over me and driving the stress level up further. I feel totally worthless, because I'm usually quite independent, especially with taking care of the kids. I've never wanted help before, but now I feel like I just can not do it without it.

And don't get me wrong, my DH is AMAZING. He is really doing absolutely everything and being so understanding and loving and supportive. I'd never be able to do this without him. There's just something extra comforting about having my own parents around. I want this all to go away now. I want to be able to enjoy my new baby boy and to give him the nurturing he deserves. I want to enjoy my maternity leave, take fun day trips with the boys, etc. Right now, I feel so weak. I think my muscles are in a constant state of tension, and I'm just shaking non-stop. It's really not good. I feel totally insane. Ugh...

I've even considered stopping BF'ing (I pump exclusively, actually). I hate to even think of it because I EP'ed for a year each with my other two. Not to mention I just bought a brand new pump and I don't want to spend a fortune on formula when I have an ample supply of milk at my disposal for free. I just wonder if getting my hormones back to normal would help my mental state? I think it will be a last resort. I'm going to try to give it a couple more weeks, just try to take it one day at a time, and hopefully this will soon be a thing of the past.