Here we go again --GRRRRR

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SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591
Here we go again --GRRRRR

So this morning, I wake to find this wonderful email from Zayden's teacher

Good evening Amy,

I would like to meet you to discuss about Zayden behavior. In the past days, He seems not to accept any request or directives from me or other adult at school. I just wanted to know if there is any change at home or if you noticed the same.
Please let me know what is more convenient for you schedule an appointment
*****
claire.

Really? I mean come ON kid...get with the program. So I emailed her back

Thank you for the email. I am very sorry that Zayden is misbehaving, can you tell me when this started? Was it before or after the break? After a week off with unstructured time, it has been more difficult for him to get back in a routine. This week, he has definitely had a difficult time at home.

We have been having significant changes at home, which may be affecting his behavior to some degree. We are moving at the end of this month so we have been packing and generally disrupting his routine for several weeks now.

Let me check with my husband to see if he can meet next week -- I would be free at 4:15 Monday or Friday, though Monday might be better so we can address the issues with him.

Again, I am sorry he is acting up. Thank you for letting me know.

Amy

He has been a bit of a jerk this last week though -- he is refusing to give me hugs or kisses, even this morning I said I love you as I left and his response was I love....DADDY. Thanks kid. Little punk!

Oh and of course this was copied to the director of the preschool.. GGRRRRRR

(and I really don't think it has anythign to do with us moving --least not yet -- as he doesn't even seem phased by this)

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

You know what I think it is...HE'S 3 for God's sake! Seriously - he can't be super perfect all the time.

I hope your meeting goes ok. Can you observe him in class without him knowing?

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

LOL Thanks Jenn --yes three is turning into a really difficult age. Hopefully letting them know we are moving they might give him a bit of a break. I honestly do not think that has anything to do with it though.

I do want to see how long this has been going on, if just this week, he really has been a PITA all week at home too.

Sigh.

Here we go again!

IDK if I can observe him without him knowing, I will have to ask

keops's picture
Joined: 04/01/08
Posts: 813

Amy you ahd some busy days and some not fun experiences and travels.. and the move coming and the other issues around your life , kids are sensible to this and like Jenn said he is 3 and an adult can't be perfect all the time so WTF !!!! (pardon my french)

SID081108's picture
Joined: 06/03/09
Posts: 1348

Amy, you are not alone. Sophia's teacher sends home a note about once a week on her daily sheet saying "Sophia had a hard time listening today" or "Sophia had a hard time keeping her hands to herself today". We punish her at home when she gets those bad notes by not letting her watch any TV and making her go to bed early with no book. DH gets so upset with her when it happens...I think he is embarrassed that the teachers will think we are bad parents or something. But sometimes I just think, okay, are the other 3 year olds seriously having a good day every day? I mean, I know my child can be a challenge sometimes (TRUST ME, I know) but isn't every 3 year old a challenge sometimes???

It is so frustrating. It's like, you don't want your kid to be the "problem child" but on the other hand, there is only so much you can do. And you can't tell me that 90% of those kids don't have days when they don't listen or can't keep their hands to themselves. Like Jenn said, THEY'RE 3.

1aBABY's picture
Joined: 12/05/06
Posts: 474

Yep, I agree he's 3 and 3 year olds have a mind of their own and are trying to figure out everything. One day/moment they can be perfect and another jerks. That's just their age! His school needs to lighten up. Hope your meeting goes well.

ourfirstblessing's picture
Joined: 01/07/07
Posts: 1094

3 is hard, she's a teacher she should have quite a few strategies to work with kidlets. not saying it's her problem but with out you being present and seeing what might be his motivation for not following directions or acting out there's not a lot you can offer as far as how to work on this at school. you can do your best to talk to him about listening to teachers etc. don't worry i would guess it's the fabulous 3's coming through

3inpink's picture
Joined: 01/11/07
Posts: 451

I agree Amy, he's 3, they are at an age where they are becoming more verbal but at the same time have trouble expressing themselves cause their thoughts go quicker than their mouths and actions are easier than speaking. So I wouldn't put to much worry into it.

I had parent teacher conferences this week for the older girls its so hard to hear "bad" things about your kids when they are not Bad kids. They're just kids that learn differently from the average of the class.

Hang in there!

ETA - Carrie - just a little bit of advice from Emma's pre-K teacher 3 years ago, what happens at school should be handled at school. It's okay to talk about what happens with them when they get home but to punish them is beyond them, the action or actions they are being punished for usually occurred so many hours ago that they don't understand why they are being punished. Does the teacher handle Sophia's behavior with a time out or a reprimand? I have even told Emma's teacher this year please do not expect me to continually punish her for work not being done in class, she should loose her recess over time at home. If she does something wrong at home I do not expect the teacher to punish her the next day.

They will catch on and it takes time and patience and children love to test their boundaries!

SID081108's picture
Joined: 06/03/09
Posts: 1348

Lori - I was worried at first that Sophia would not make the connection between misbehaving at school and having consequences at home but she definitely does. They do address her behavior at school as soon as it happens but I don't feel comfortable knowing that she is getting in trouble at school and doing nothing about it at home, either. Her teachers know what consequences she has at home and so when she is on her way to getting in trouble they remind her of them and try to get her back on track. She will even tell them "If i get a bad note I won't get to play with Victoria (our neighbor), I won't get to watch cartoons or have a treat, and I'll have to go to bed early" Then when she gets home she can tell us exactly why she is having those consequences. The other day her note said "Sophia had a GREAT day at school today" so we made a big deal about how proud we were of her and she said "now I get to have GOOD consequences!"

She totally gets it, but some days she just doesn't seem to care...or doesn't care enough for it to change her behavior. That is what makes my husband so mad is that she will almost seem proud of herself when she tells you "I got in trouble at school today so I don't get to watch cartoons or have a treat" but I think that is just a typical 3-year old response to wanting to be in control of their own world sometimes. Also, Sophia seems to have a personality that thrives on negative attention (which is NOT GOOD)

But I don't see it at all the same as the teacher not punishing your kids if they misbehave at home the night before. She is my child so I'm responsible for her behavior everywhere she is, to some extent. Her teacher, on the other hand, is obviously not responsible in any way for her behavior while she's at home with me.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Also, Sophia seems to have a personality that thrives on negative attention (which is NOT GOOD)

THIS is Zayden. He is also very strong willed which makes it more difficult. Even DH is starting to have issues with his behavior --which if he has an issue then it must be getting bad!

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

Carrie - Deacon tells on himself too. He told me the other day "Mia said WHAT THE HECK! I said KILL" hee hee. He knows both of those aren't allowed and thought it was funny to tattle on himself. LOL

keops's picture
Joined: 04/01/08
Posts: 813

Amy & Carrie, Florian also love "negative" attention Sad

YOU ARE NOT ALONE he starts school in JANUARY SO i ASSUME I'LL BE LIKE YOU SOON...

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Well, my meeting with the teacher is today at 4:15 -- I suspect DH will NOT be there. Bum!

We shall see what they want to do. Sigh. Heck, what do they expect me to do! Not like he listens to me anyway! LOL ROFL

keops's picture
Joined: 04/01/08
Posts: 813

how did the meeting go???????????????

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

"keops" wrote:

how did the meeting go???????????????

I think she is in your time zone, right? The meeting is still 2 hours away.

Actually, what time zone are you in Magali?

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

"Jenn0113" wrote:

I think she is in your time zone, right? The meeting is still 2 hours away.

Actually, what time zone are you in Magali?

I think (but could be wrong) that Alaska has its own time zone? So its an hour behind us? but jenn is right, meeting is not for another two hours Sad Still not looking forward to it but I am going to state I don't know that Z is much different than many other 3 year olds. Not to say he is this innocent darling but he isnt that different!

I was at the Marche de Noel festival at the school Friday afternoon --trust me --my kid is NOT the worst behaved at that school! LOL

keops's picture
Joined: 04/01/08
Posts: 813

Yes we have our own time zone ROFL we are "too big" for "you little state" AH AH AH

Joined: 06/03/07
Posts: 623

Hope your meeting goes well today, Amy.

keops's picture
Joined: 04/01/08
Posts: 813

I saw your post on FB Amy but I (we) would like more details... Wink

serwachic's picture
Joined: 01/01/10
Posts: 178

How'd it go, Amy?

I also wanted to add that we just moved two weeks ago, and Jude was having a really rough time in the weeks leading up to the move. He was rough at home, but he was doing most of his misbehaving at school - the teachers even called Shawn one time to take him home early. We moved Thanksgiving week, so Jude had a week off of school (and we "boot-camped" some of his behavioral issues) at the same time we moved, and I can't even express how much better his behavior is - both at home and at school. He's my pleasant, sweet, funny, sometimes stubborn kid again.

I worked hard to make sure us moving wasn't disrupting his schedule too much, but looking back I do know I let him get away with a LOT. I had so much going on and on my mind, if he was doing something he shouldn't, but it kept him busy and occupied, I'd let him get away with it just so I had ten minutes to concentrate.

Plus of course, he wasn't getting much dedicated Mommy/Daddy time, and my fuse with him was just generally shorter.

So I'm hoping once you guys move and get settled, you'll start to see a huge change in Z's behavior for the better!

I also just wanted to give you a big cyber hug and let you know I know where you're coming from. I have a feeling we have the "problem child" in the classroom, and that bothers me on so many levels. I can't wait to hear how the meeting went!!

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Hi guys! Thanks so much for your support -- I know others have said this as I have before but I cannot imagine how I would do without this board and you ladies for such great support.

Meeting went . . .okay. She immediately said don't worry, no major things but I want you aware of what is going on in the classroom and how we are addressing it.

Bottom line is he had a really really rough week last week and pretty much didn't listen to anything. She said go left, he went right. There is another kid in the classroom --Jackson --and he and Zayden are exactly alike in being strong willed and strong personalities and they pretty much have to keep them totally separated. Time out isn't working, he refuses to come to circle time, he pokes his friends, etc etc etc. When he doesn't get his way, he curls up in a ball and pouts. ----um he is THREE, you had to call me and make me come down for this? LOL

She said she has no issues with any academics with him (umm three?) and he excels easily at difficult tasks --if he wants to do them. (again three?) But apparently there are times he just doesnt feel like following the program (did I mention he is three?)

He still does a lot of pushing and hitting but she says he is very sweet so he isn't doing it unprovoked or cause he is mean. He just is very physical.

At the end of the day, she was willing to chalk it up to the fact we are moving. I also explained the week before he had an entire week in TN in completely unstructured time being spoiled to death. Hard to come back to a routine --for a three year old. :rolleyes:

I do know he is a more difficult high maintenance child --not in a bad way but he is exploring his world and testing his limits. He has a full understanding of the concepts of opposites and that is his favorite thing right now -- last night since daddy wasn't home, he decided he wanted to call me daddy instead of mommy and now I was daddy. Driving home, if my blinker was on to go right, he insisted on going left --and when I went right had a melt down.

He had a much better day she said yesterday but then refused to take nap until the last minute --which is very unusual for him --and then had a really difficult time waking up. So I had to explain that DH's schedule is messed up this week since he is on call -he has to work 9-6 (instead of 730-430) so I am working 7-4. DH let Z sleep in yesterday and he woke up a full hour later than normal, so yes I was not surprised he was not ready for nap at the normal time. The teacher (who I do like btw) was happy there was a reason and immediately said well for the rest of this week, she would put Z's cot elsewhere so if he wanted to sleep later he could.

I think she is a good teacher most of the time but Z is not a normal compliant child. He is pushing limits --and yes, he is THREE. I don't see any of this out of the norm for a child this age.

Jen- Moving may have something to do with it, Lord knows I have been super stressed as has DH with this whole process. When we actually move, we are going to need major help!
But, he is also getting away with things that he normally would not so that could be a part of it too! I guess I need to watch that!

keops's picture
Joined: 04/01/08
Posts: 813

Amy I think we have similar child and I told you before I think Zayden is "SPIRITED" like Florian is ....

THIS IS NOT A DISEASE or A DISORDER it is just they are more Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic

Reading her book really help me/us on how to deal with him since "convetionnal way" don't apply most of the time....
here's link to her book
http://parentchildhelp.com/SpiritedChild/tabid/59/Default.aspx

most Library have it....

From what I read Zayden is EXACTLY like FLORIAN !!!!!
I am super careful about naps and bedtimes.. if he don't follow some schedule OH BOY OH BOY .. we pay for it big time

remember the moving and the trip to visit family recently this has been "change" for him and he need to adjust , process get over...

HANG IN THERE...

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

"keops" wrote:

THIS IS NOT A DISEASE or A DISORDER it is just they are more Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic

This describes Zayden to a "T". And like Jenn keeps reminding me .. he is THREE!

I did get that book, I haven't had too much time to read it but I need to go back to it.

We have been working on bed time but honestly even that has been a battle --he would easily stay up much later but he has to get up early for school. Every night, he needs to go potty --his latest is after Daddy gets him down he wants mommy to come "pet" him (rub his back --he thinks he is being petted like the cat) then calls us again, finally settles down and talks to his toys for a bit.

He is not a "bad" kid and no one says that (thankfully) but he is not an easily controlled kid.

Once we move I hope that we can settle down and get things resolved. We shall see. Sigh.

keops's picture
Joined: 04/01/08
Posts: 813

Amy in the book youwill read of parents of Spirited kids have same issues you have (AN DI will probably have once goes to school) with other kids, authorities etc.... and their is example on what some parents and Mary did recommend and helped some...

when I started to read the book I would read a "real life story" and I would "THIS IS US" !!! and then an other one "THIS IS US" and then some don't apply as much !!!

not everything in the book is to "take" but lot of it helped us a lot

You can't MOLD or control a spirited child like a "cool" child but here is ways to make is easier... and in 20yr from now his personality of Total who may seem like a challenge will be one super QUALITIES...
hang in there.....

jlildrip's picture
Joined: 01/24/08
Posts: 269

So glad to hear the meeting went decent enough. It's VERY hard for me to hear that they are trying to get Zayden (or any 3 year old) to be so "perfect". Kids need to be kids...there is plenty of time for such strict behavior management. That being said, I am very strict with Noah, but also understand the need for him to have tantrums and vent his frustrations/angers/energy/etc in ways that only a 3 year old can. They test boundaries without the understanding of consequences to the fullest extent (which they aren't supposed to be able to anyways). It seems as though the school is not very accepting/understanding of that. I hope that as the school year continues, you all are able to find some common ground. Good luck!

serwachic's picture
Joined: 01/01/10
Posts: 178

I'm really glad to hear that the teachers didn't make it sound like you were an awful Mom or he's a bad kid! I hope she was just wanting to make sure you guys were on the same page - and it sounds like you are!

When I'm most at my wits end with Jude, I try to remind myself that his personality traits will make for one amazing adult if I can help him channel it well. I can easily see him being passionate about helping others and refusing to follow the crowd if the crowd is doing something stupid. I'm trying to remember that just because his personality isn't easily managed in the school setting doesn't mean it's not the personality God gave him for a very specific reason.

Were you guys able to brainstorm any specific ways to deal with Z's behavior? Did you come away from the meeting feeling better about things, or feeling worse?

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

You know what Jess -- the thing that makes me the most frustrated is it seems that they have had several times when they have had issues with Zayden's behavior --which is fine cause he can be a handful --but then I come to school for this and that and see other kids and honestly wonder why they say anything. He is not the only kid and in my observations, not even the worse. Maybe they are having conversations with those parents too, I don't know. I think the hardest part with Z is he is SO stubborn that it is hard to redirect or correct him. If you say don't do this, he does it more.

I know they are strict with him, and he needs that structure, but you are right, he is three and he is going to throw those tantrums and test his boundaries and there is not much you can do about it.

Jen, your right, she didn't seem to make it like he was this horrible kid but that he had a turn for the worse and lets see what is going on in his life and see what we can do to make it better. He isn't responding to time out (again, don't do this means do it more) so they have had to actually remove him from the class at times.

BUT that said, ITA that these traits can and will serve him well in the future if he learns to properly manage them. As much as I get so frustrated with Z, I am also glad to see that he does have a strong personality and even that the teacher already recognizes that he has very strong leadership traits. Zayden will never be one to follow the crowd, I just don't want him to be the one leading the crowd off the cliff IYKWIM. But I totally agree, God gave him this amazing personality that I do love and it is our job to help him learn to handle it.

Brainstorming? Not really. I think he is going through a phase right now and we need to ride it out. The teacher was satisfied with the excuse that we are moving, and I reminded her that he was gone an entire week with no routine. He has less than a week of school left, and then he is off for two and a half weeks. Hopefully by the time school starts again, we can figure out moving, getting settled, and he will out grow these phases.

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

"SoCaliLover" wrote:

You know what Jess -- the thing that makes me the most frustrated is it seems that they have had several times when they have had issues with Zayden's behavior --which is fine cause he can be a handful --but then I come to school for this and that and see other kids and honestly wonder why they say anything. He is not the only kid and in my observations, not even the worse. Maybe they are having conversations with those parents too, I don't know. I think the hardest part with Z is he is SO stubborn that it is hard to redirect or correct him. If you say don't do this, he does it more.

I was about to say what you said after that - maybe they call all the parents in on it. Kind of crazy but who knows. I know Deacon is far from the worst kid in his class and I would be upset to if I was the one that always felt called out.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

"Jenn0113" wrote:

I was about to say what you said after that - maybe they call all the parents in on it. Kind of crazy but who knows. I know Deacon is far from the worst kid in his class and I would be upset to if I was the one that always felt called out.

The major problem of the class seems to be Zayden and this other little boy Jackson. They apparently have the same personality, are very competitive and are either best friends or worst enemies. The teacher said they pretty much have to keep them completely separated and the teacher with one and the assistant with the other. The day I went in, Jackson was absent and she said what a difference it made to the class and to Zayden.

So I wanted to ask her well which day did Jackson's parents come it. . . .

Course I forgot to mention she told me not to worry, we would meet again in January for parent teacher conferences when report cards come out. Don't worry, we will set aside extra time to discuss Zayden. :rolleyes:

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

That's how it is in Deacon's room. The teacher told me that Deacon and 4 other boys are "just wild" and she has to keep them apart. However, I go and peek in and there is only 1 boy that is acting up and its every moment of every day. Every day Deacon comes home with updates about how that boy hit so and so or took so and so's toy or tore up Deacon's homework. So I think she just sees yelling and fighting AFTER its started and not WHO started it.

SID081108's picture
Joined: 06/03/09
Posts: 1348

"serwachic" wrote:

I try to remind myself that his personality traits will make for one amazing adult if I can help him channel it well. I can easily see him being passionate about helping others and refusing to follow the crowd if the crowd is doing something stupid. I'm trying to remember that just because his personality isn't easily managed in the school setting doesn't mean it's not the personality God gave him for a very specific reason.

These are really good points, Jen! I could say all these same things about Sophia, thanks for the reminder! It's hard to teach a child to have confidence and leadership skills, many of those are inate....so I need to remind myself to be thankful that my child has them and just find reasonable ways to keep them under control Wink I love the thought that her being such a leader might keep her from following the crowd into trouble some day.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Its true Carrie and Jen-- I have to take a step back sometimes and realize the traits that are driving me CRAZY are good. I love that he is independent and confident. I am typically much shyer and LOVE that he is not like that. On the other hand, when I am pulling my hair out cause he is not being compliant and not wanting to listen and not wanting to do things my way, its so hard to take that step back.