My consolation prize

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stillsurprised's picture
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My consolation prize

Sorry it’s SO loooong

Okay so here goes my sob story, kinda. Not looking for sympathy just…I don’t know. Maybe one of you feels the same way?
So about 4 months ago, we had some good friends over and the inevitable question was asked. “So, are you guys done?” (having kids) To which my husband bellowed “Abso-f**king- lutely!” Ugh. SO tactful, my charming prince. Anyway, I looked in his direction hoping to see an “I’m kinda kidding” look. He was dead serious. I brought the subject up again that night as we were climbing into bed. He WAS NOT kidding. He went on to say that he thinks that being pregnant, going through the infancy months and him being the only money maker in our house was all REALLY stressful for him. He said that as much as he loves being a daddy, he has no interest in doing this again. He reminded me that we have a boy and a girl, and they are both perfectly healthy, and that we should just count our blessings. He also said that he had made some calls about a new scalpel-free vasectomy procedure.
I was CRUSHED. While I was, and am, in no way ready to have another baby, being told so emphatically that we were DONE. Oh, it killed me.
The next night he was kissing up, and was telling me how awesome I looked now that I’m back to pre-baby weight. He said “you know… you’re down to your goal weight- we’re done having kids… you can get those boobs you always wanted…” We always joked about it, because pre-baby, mine were stellar- or at least I thought so. Post 2 babies, mine were droooopy flapjacks that I had to cram in a push up bra to look remotely normal. This kind of excited me. The fact that HE was bringing it up made me happy, as I always thought that he considered boob jobs silly.
Long story short--- I’m post op my June 6th surgery now. I got implants and a lift.
They look great. I have the perky boobs of a 20 year old.
So, why this morning did I look at them and get sad? I feel like they’re my consolation prize for his decision. Ugh. Is anyone else in this same boat? You feel like you’re not ready to hear that your done, but DH is—I totally understand and respect his opinion on this. I think I just need to make peace with it. Easier said than done.

Kellygirlj's picture
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We have yet to make a decision so we keep putting it off. We have talked about it for a year and everytime we come to the conclusion of waiting a while. Everytime I feel a bit sad but also a bit relieved too. I think it would be hard if DH said definately no more but I also dont feel a strong desire yet to have a second.

I hope you are able to figure out your emotions soon. I think that it would be a hard thing to sort out if you werent expecting it. I am really jealous of your new boobs though!!

momaof2boys's picture
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I can't say I'm in the same boat or anything b/c my DH would have as many kids as I wanted....LOL Sorry you're DH isn't willing to consider having more children---I'm not sure how I would react to my DH telling me 'we're done" ....to me it should be a mutual decision between you both! Just my opinion though

Congrats on the boob job though---I had one after Will was born & LOVED my new boobs but I wish I would've waited till after I was done having kids b/c I feel like I'll be having them redone after this baby is born....may even have to get a boob reduction...:eek:

hotdiggit's picture
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I know exactly how you feel (except for the back to prebaby weight an 20 something boobs :confused:).

Dh and I always wanted 3 kids, and knew no matter what we were not going to have an only child. Everything about Lyla has been difficult, pregnancy, birth, colic, and a bad case of the terrible twos. We took everything in stride because we were so blessed and in love. Adding Cora to the family has not been an easy transition, and we still struggle daily. We have both agreed that we are done, and can't handle anymore. We wanted our kids close in age so they can relate. The only way we could handle one more, is if our girls were bigger when we have another one. At this point we are done, but haven't done anything but an iud to fix it. I still have the daily "what if we had another."

Dh and I have been very open with each other on our thoughts about more kids. I would have been irratated if I found out we wouldn't be having more kids, in front of friends.

stillsurprised's picture
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Him saying that in front of our friends wasn't as surprising to me as I made it sound. I just didn't like the crude way he said it. If I'm being completely honest, he DID say that he wanted only 2 kids from the get go. I just always thought that after we hit the 2 mark, we would re-evaluate the decision. My biggest surprise in all this was that he'd called 3 urologists, hunting for info on vasectomys. We'd thrown that word around pre-kids, as a means to be safe when we were done, but I had no idea he was already looking around. Sad I'm NOT ready to have #3, so I realize how irrational I sound- wanting to keep my options open, even if I'm not ready to make a decision.
Sam and Drew are 19 months apart, and neither could possibly have been labeled "an EASY baby". I know that has probably scarred him a little, having so much on our plate all at once. I talked to him a little last night. I told him, while I'm delighted with my new appearance, I'd trade it in a minute for a little more time to have another baby. I also confessed that I feel I kinda "sold out" when I agreed that were done, via boobs...
That didn't go over very well.

kit1024's picture
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Wow - that's tough! DH and I haven't decided definitively yet if we'll have another one - we may not want to risk having another early preemie. DH has told me a few times that we've been so lucky with how Claire turned out, despite her rough beginning, that maybe we've pushed our luck far enough. I think if we end up up deciding to not try for another, I will be pretty sad, even though I somewhat agree with him.

I hope you and your DH can figure it out together!

AshnBill's picture
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Hi Tammy! It's good to see you!

I can't relate, but that would be hard to just have him decide for you - and to put it so rudely! I hope you're able to come to peace with the decision.

kris10gal's picture
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Hi Tammy!!

I think it's the being told part that I would be upset about. It makes it that much harder, not being decided together. Even though you might have come to that decision anyways, being told something as an adult is so hard. I hope you come to peace with both of your decision. BUT, I'd totally take your consolation prize! Super jealous right here! I'm so scared to wonder what my boobs are going to look like after nursing this LO, I may be begging for a job, and you didn't have to beg at all!

Jenn0113's picture
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Sorry for the reason behind the job Sad That is sucky - but I agree with everyone else - I think its how you were told and not that you were told - iykwim?

I am looking forward to getting mine fixed too after we are done having kids - at least you got it done and didn't just talk about it. I hope when its time I really do it and don't just go back and forth, lol.

SID081108's picture
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My DH basically feels the same way, but instead of coming straight out and saying NO MORE, he just makes jokes about it. If I mention having a 3rd, he'll say stuff like "over my dead body" or " you'll have to rape me" or "I hope you have another dad in mind". But I know he's serious. I know for him it's primarily about money, and also because of the scare I had after Layla was born. Once he said "you weren't the one on the other end of the line when your mom was crying and telling me I needed to get to the hospital ASAP. We're not going to risk that happening again." Right now I have no idea if I even want another one, but I worry that someday I'm going to feel strongly that I DO want another one, and he's not going to budge. And I doubt I'll even get a consolation prize Wink

I think the reason why some men feel it's primarily their decision to make is because they are the ones who feel the pressure to support and provide for their family. But even so, it's never fun to have a major decision made for you instead of with you.

Jenn0113's picture
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"SID081108" wrote:

My DH basically feels the same way, but instead of coming straight out and saying NO MORE, he just makes jokes about it. If I mention having a 3rd, he'll say stuff like "over my dead body" or " you'll have to rape me" or "I hope you have another dad in mind". But I know he's serious. I know for him it's primarily about money, and also because of the scare I had after Layla was born. Once he said "you weren't the one on the other end of the line when your mom was crying and telling me I needed to get to the hospital ASAP. We're not going to risk that happening again." Right now I have no idea if I even want another one, but I worry that someday I'm going to feel strongly that I DO want another one, and he's not going to budge. And I doubt I'll even get a consolation prize Wink

I think the reason why some men feel it's primarily their decision to make is because they are the ones who feel the pressure to support and provide for their family. But even so, it's never fun to have a major decision made for you instead of with you.

I'll give him that - it was the scariest thing I've ever been through too. Maybe next time you can get a surrogate to calm all our nerves.

stillsurprised's picture
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I think you all right in that the bitterness is more about the fact that the decision was kind of made for me, and less about us not adding to our family.
We had another heart to heart last night (after my glass of wine Smile ), and Carrie you are totally right about the pressure men feel about supporting their family. DH and I both grew up in the traditional household where the men were the breadwinners and the pressure and stress of it all was just something the men dealt with, without complaint.
He also confided that he accidentally overheard a conversation, about 6 months ago, at his quarterly meeting for work. Apparently corporate was throwing around the idea of opening up a new office in San Fran, and that either DH or his counterpart (who doesn't have kids), would be the one to open that up. This made DH nervous, as they always promised Kev that he would never be made to transfer out of the office he opened up here in the valley. We've never heard a whisper about that, but DH said that has been in the back of his head ever since.
When he communicates his feelings about everything, I feel better, and I can see his point. I just told him that I'm not 5, and I don't like being TOLD anything. EXPLAINING things go over much better with me.
As for the boobs, they still don't feel like mine. I have no perspective when it comes to my own reflection in the mirror. My mom and MIL both said that my chest looks about the same size I was pre-kids, and other than close friends and family, no one will probably notice. They seem huge to me. DH calls me Hooty McBoob. Smile I'm glad I did it though. I feel attractive again. My hips now have a top to balance me out!
Drews 1st birthday party is this Saturday. We'll see see how the girls make their debut. Smile I might wear a turtle neck...

SID081108's picture
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Tammy, I'm glad you guys were able to talk it out more! It's funny how hard it is to get men to share their basis for feeling a certain way, it's pretty rare when I can get DH to actually explain to me WHY he has an opinion about something.

As for the boobs, I have 3 friends from college that I have stayed in close contact with, and all 3 of them have had boob jobs since they finished having kids. I'm the only one left! And well, I'm going to need a "full body" job, cause just fixing the boobs wouldn't help me much ROFL