PP Depression

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Jenni Beth's picture
Last seen: 3 years 1 month ago
Joined: 03/03/11
Posts: 1407
PP Depression

This has been an extremely rough week for me. The breastfeeding is not working. Exclusively pumping is not working. My supply is just too low to accommodate his appetite. He's eating about 3 ounces every 2 hours. On Tuesday he has gained almost a whole pound since his birth. Birth 7-10, check up 8-7. I get so emotional every time I think about giving up but I know I have to let it go. I've taken supplements, pumped around the clock, ate cookies, nursed him despite the pain, and still I'm failing. Perhaps if I had a better support system I could have done it...or if I hadn't had that terrible laceration...or if I didn't have flat nipples things would have been different. Giving up breaks my heart but this has taken a huge toll on me emotionally. He's gotten a good 2 weeks of breastmilk which I guess is better than nothing.

Since Monday I have been crying at everything and nothing. Carter's pediatrician, who is also a friend, sat me down and said she thinks I need to see my OB about pp depression. I think she's right so I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 10. I've tried to be positive and happy but all I do is cry. I love my baby and am not having any thoughts or feelings of harming him. I'm just so incredibly sad and feel so hopeless. Matt has gone back to work as of Tuesday so I'm here by myself with the baby and I feel overwhelmed. He works 330pm till midnight. My mom came over last night and another friend is coming tonight just to keep me company.

Say a prayer, wish on a star, send positive thoughts...I need it so bad.

JenPelto's picture
Last seen: 3 years 4 months ago
Joined: 11/23/08
Posts: 73

Your homones will be wacky for a little while -- hang in there! It's terrible but normal, and something a lot of moms don't talk about.

As far as breastfeeding, just know that you did your best and are NOT a failure. Formula is really really close to breastmilk. It isn't breastmilk, but it's pretty close. I formula-fed my first for a hundred reasons, who is now 2, and you know what? He's the smartest kid on the block. Formula will allow your baby to eat as much as his body needs to thrive, and that's what's most important. Sometimes nature just works against us.

sandraleigh's picture
Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
Joined: 11/23/06
Posts: 2672


Big hugs Jenni. You are doing the right thing by being proactive and seeing your OB tomorrow. Don't feel like a failure. I felt like a failure at first when I was thinking about quitting BFing DS (I only made it 3 weeks) but then I realized: BFing should be a wonderful, bonding, special time with your baby. At that point I was dreading the next time I had to BF him, and I was bawling with pain throughout each session. He was SO hungry, I just couldn't do it any more. I know that I made the best decision for me and him by stopping when I did.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

kmm123's picture
Last seen: 1 year 2 weeks ago
Joined: 12/13/08
Posts: 1839

:bigarmhug: you are not a failure! I know you were very set on bf'ing but plans change. Formula is a wonderful healthy option for Carter. I am a dedicated bf'er I think it's great but nothing is worth anxiety, depression and missing out on this time with your son. He is growing and thriving and that is all that matters.

And of course take care of yourself! Talk to your OB. Get help! It will only benefit your entire family.

fireflies11's picture
Last seen: 2 years 10 months ago
Joined: 03/26/11
Posts: 613


sorry to hear that. Praying for you!

Breastfeeding is tough....no matter what anyone else says! It's okay to let it go if you need to, for you and your little one! We live in a great time and place where formula is available and is healthy for your baby.

lily0624's picture
Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
Joined: 03/21/07
Posts: 591

gosh i know exactly how you're feeling. it was right at the 2 week mark with thomas when i completely lost my $hit. i have flat nipples too and it was just so painful to breastfeed. i cried and screamed bloody murder every time he latched. it was terrible. i definitely have more than the baby blues. what i did wrong and what you're doing right is recognizing that bf'ing isn't the end all be all of everything. i was so stupidly stubborn and because of that i really missed out on the happy bonding time. it's good you're getting help. i haven't even had my kid yet and i've already talked to my OB and my pediatrician about both PPD and the fact that i might not bf this baby. we live in an age where formula is extremely good! heck i bet most of us were brought up on formula and we're all a bunch of pretty smart gals!

hugs jenni. there is one thing that you MUST know (and something not enough people told me): i DOES get better. it WILL get better. i promise.

having your first child is traumatic. really. it is. it's unlike anything you've ever experienced. but maaaaan, it's hard! especially when you are in pain down there and pain in your boobs and your hormones are like a raging wildfire.

hang in there. we are all here for you. i got most of my support with my son from pg.org. really. it saved me. we're all here to listen and help.

ashamom27's picture
Last seen: 4 years 9 months ago
Joined: 07/06/06
Posts: 1010

Jenni, I wish I was as brave and as smart as you when i had my first son. I also had a terrible time with BF-ing and instead of looking for other options, I was stubborn and continued on. I didn't even have flat nipples, just a hungry baby and not enough supply.
I fell into depression fast and I lost a whole year to it. I regret it because I think it affected my son to see me sad all the time.
You are doing the right thing! I strongly believe that a happy momma should be the priority!

Jenni Beth's picture
Last seen: 3 years 1 month ago
Joined: 03/03/11
Posts: 1407

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Your words made me cry happy tears of relief. I've been struggling for the past 4 days and I wasn't even going to mention it here...but I need all the support and prayers I can get, especially from women who have been through this too. I have a feeling that I'll get put back on my anxiety medicine which is also an antidepressant. I'm ready to feel better and enjoy the early weeks of my baby's life because I'll never get this time back.

MelanieP's picture
Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
Joined: 09/25/09
Posts: 882

Big ((hugs)!!!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think it is wonderful that you recognize that you need help and you are going in to see your doctor!! Great job mama...I agree with Asha...you need to be a happy mommy that is what is most important to your little guy. I too am not doing well with bfing. I knew I would not as I had a reduction years ago and I did not get alot of milk with Jacob. I ended up pumping and not even wasting my time bfing as I had next to no milk. This time I really wanted to bf but again I just don't have any milk. I too am doing everyhting possible and it is not helping. I am trying to realize that it is just not in the cards for me and it is hard but like everyone said. Formula babies are perfectly fine...and just think we are the ones that can wake DH for night time feeds Smile I really hope things turn around for you. Please keep us updated on what the doc says tomorrow. Take care.

Summer05's picture
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 09/18/05
Posts: 790

That's excellent that you're getting help and reaching out to your support groups! Giving up pumping pain stress and anxiety and feeling happy enough to show your baby all your love, well that could never be a bad thing. Great big hugs

Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
Joined: 02/20/11
Posts: 865

There's a cream called Bacturan (or something like that) available behind the counter which will do wonders for cracked and bleeding nipples!!!

As for the ppd, I'm on pills for it and what a difference between last time and this time! Be nice to yourself, get treatment if needed and follow any advice you'd give to anyone else.

Starryblue702's picture
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

IMO, it doesn't sound like you have PPD at all. You have to remember that all of those stinking hormones that were raging through you during pregnancy are still lurking around your body, which is what's making you so emotional. Factor in the issues that you've been having with BF and everything else... the way you're reacting is completely normal. If you're still worried about it, obviously it's a good idea to talk to your OB... but really, I think you're doing a great job and are just overly stressed with your first baby... just like I was! Hang in there Jenni, everything will turn out great!!

Last seen: 3 years 5 months ago
Joined: 02/07/12
Posts: 463

I really wish that it would come easy for you, sorry you are having such a rough time of it. Just know that no matter what happens or what you decide you need to do as long as you are happy and that your baby is happy you are an awesome mother Smile

Hope you feel better soon.

babydreamer11's picture
Last seen: 3 years 4 months ago
Joined: 01/23/11
Posts: 155

Jenni.. you are a great little mama.. im having a similar issue with the breast feeding ... it seems only on of my breast seems to be producing... i feel like giving up but i don't know what DH will think.. even though its my body its something that we both were insistent on doing...im glad you are noticing this and talking to someone now ...you will get through this... keep the faith .. hugs and thoughts.. Smile

annestacy's picture
Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
Joined: 05/31/09
Posts: 473

Big hugs to you Jenni-you're doing a great job, and while I think that part of it is hormones and adjusting to having a new life with you, if you're concerned about ppd, then talking to someone--anyone--is super important!

I had a really hard time bf'ing Jack, and gave up before my milk even came in. I was devastated by it, but eventually accepted that formula was okay. I still wondered every time he got sick, when he got an ear infection, when he would get wheezy when sick, etc. that if I had only bf'd him he would not have gotten sick. It is a hard decision to make, but let me tell you--Jack is super duper smart at 23 months--knows some of the alphabet, loves books, counts for four, and is healthy and vibrant. He has turned out just fine.