Step parent issues.

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Step parent issues.

I'm having this issue and I have talked it over with Rob to death and I am sure if I bring it up anymore he might just start to tune me out. lol. Anyways..

Rob and I both brought children into our relationship, Joshua was 10 months old when Rob and I started dating and Stephen was born a couple weeks after we started dating.. That is a crazy story all on it's own.

Since Joshua was about 2 or so Rob has had a great deal of involvement in the decisions and upbringing of Joshua. Joshuas Father is married now so Joshua also has a step mother, any time we need to change a schedule or make any decisions we all have input and sometimes we have a sit down meeting with the 4 of us and talk it out. Now I know that it is not normally like this and not every blended family can get along so well.

Now here is my issue, when it comes to stephen and his upbringing I am almost always out of the loop. I have no say in the schedule, no say in doctors appointments or anything important like that. Rob is really laid back and he is in the mind set that if it is important then he wants to know but otherwise he doesn't think it is something to get upset about. Me on the other hand feel that we should be kept in the loop for when he goes to doctors appointments or ear check ups or eye check ups or stuff about school or anything that benefits him or effects him in anyway. Now I may just be going overboard but I am tired of hearing from stephen about how he went to a doctors appointment or he takes medicine for his ears every morning and yet we have gotten nothing when Rob picks him up or anything like that. There have been many many times where she takes him to the doctors and we don't know about it until stephen says something about it. Or we know something is coming up she neglects to tell us how it went or what the results were and it kinda upsets me.

When Stephen is at our house I am the one who takes care of him for all the majority of the stuff. Rob helps out but there are times when he is here over the weekend that Rob is working and I am taking care of him, I work with him because he is a little behind/delayed in certain areas and I am the one who works with him and to be honest Rob doesn't really deal with that part I do and I know that his mother doesn't do much in that area either because Stephen has said that he doesn't do this at his moms house so why does he have to do it at our house. I have been in his life since he was born yet I feel that I am technically a babysitter. When Rob brought it up to his mother she actually said that she is his mother and Rob is the father and that is all who should be involved, that she doesn't feel I should have a say or should be kept in the loop.
Needless to say I was really upset about this. Rob told her that that isn't the case and that I should be kept in the loop and I will be involved. But honestly that doesn't mean that she is going to change what she is doing. I know she doesn't like me and she thinks I stole Rob away from her and I am pretty sure she still loves Rob, but I just wish that she would think in the best interest of her son when it comes to this matter and that every parent in Stephens life should be involved and kept in the loop.

Sorry this is really long and if this makes no sense but I am frustrated and upset, she has always been difficult and fights everything and gets very crazy when it comes to me and her son and changing anything about the schedule. No matter what Rob or I say to her she still feels like I am trying to take her place as stephens mother, when really I just want to be kept in the loop so we are ALL on the same page.

Thanks for reading if you did get this far....

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Wow, that does sound really frustrating. It sounds like you care an awful lot about Stephen and play a huge role in his life so it only makes sense that you know about the important things happening in his life. It's great that everyone is so open about Joshua's care, but I can also see how Stephen's mother could be somewhat defensive when it comes to her son, unhelpful as it is. It sounds like Rob will have to step up and make sure he's kept in the loop and keeps you informed of important things like the ear medicine. I'm sorry for the frustrations and I hope it gets easier as time goes on.

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I'll be honest, I think you need to respect her decision and that it's up to your husband to inform you. I wouldn't be mad with her, I'd be mad at Rob for not keeping up with health issues fir his son. It is HIS responsibility to know what's going on and share with the people taking care of him. Of course you need to know if he's been yo the dr, his medical history, his pills, his eye check ups!!! Anyone taking care of him should know !! As a step mother you need to be informed, no doubt about it. She should want to tell you but if she doesn't dh needs to open the communication channel on both sides.

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I'm not mad per say but upset that she doesn't see me as a parent figure in his life. That I am just someone who takes care of her son and I don't have 1 bit of a say in anything, or at least I shouldn't have a say because I am not his biological mother. It bothers me that when he is here I take care of him and do all the things I do with my son and help him with everything he needs help with in regards to catching up and learning new things, but yet I am just supposed to sit back and do nothing.

All I want to do is be informed and have everyone on the same page... The other thing is Rob can't communicate things with me if he doesn't even know.. Half the stuff we find out is from stephen when we ask how his day was or I ask how his day was and then I ask Rob about it because stephen has informed me that he had an ear check up or has ear medicine and he has no idea about it. She neglects to tell even Rob. She wants to make all the decisions and do everything and doesn't feel the need to even tell Rob about doctors appointments. Rob doesn't think to ask because why would you ask " has my child been to the doctors today?"

I guess because we have such a group effort and great communication with Joshuas dad and Joshuas step mom that I would think it would o could work the same way...

I guess I am also bothered because even if she does tell Rob she still doesn't think I should be in the loop because I am not his "actual" parent...

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"Freesia34" wrote:

I'll be honest, I think you need to respect her decision and that it's up to your husband to inform you. I wouldn't be mad with her, I'd be mad at Rob for not keeping up with health issues fir his son. It is HIS responsibility to know what's going on and share with the people taking care of him. Of course you need to know if he's been yo the dr, his medical history, his pills, his eye check ups!!! Anyone taking care of him should know !! As a step mother you need to be informed, no doubt about it. She should want to tell you but if she doesn't dh needs to open the communication channel on both sides.

This is my thought, too. DH needs to step up and start informing you of stuff, even if he thinks it's not important.

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"jeepbaby" wrote:

This is my thought, too. DH needs to step up and start informing you of stuff, even if he thinks it's not important.

He informs me when he knows about it. But she doesn't always tell him when he has doctors appointments. And he doesn't think to ask because he assumes that if it's important and she had to take him that she would inform him.

I have input when it comes to this house hold and stuff but anything that has to do with her like if I need to pick stephen up or things like that she doesn't want me to have anything to do with...

Am I wrong to think that I should be involved in stephens life in regards to important things and that their should be open communication between all parents. If Rob is at work I want to be able for her and I to communicate about Stephen. But I guess thats too much to ask for sometimes....

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"SamanthaX3" wrote:

Am I wrong to think that I should be involved in stephens life in regards to important things and that their should be open communication between all parents. If Rob is at work I want to be able for her and I to communicate about Stephen. But I guess thats too much to ask for sometimes....

While that would be ideal for Stephen, no, it might not be possible for his mother. I don't know that I would be capable of that kind of openness. Even knowing that sort of communication would be best for Stephen, if I were her, my comfort level would certainly also be affected by the adults' relationships.

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"triplespiral" wrote:

While that would be ideal for Stephen, no, it might not be possible for his mother. I don't know that I would be capable of that kind of openness. Even knowing that sort of communication would be best for Stephen, if I were her, my comfort level would certainly also be affected by the adults' relationships.

So what am I supposed to do? I understand that the situation I have with Joshuas father is common and it doesn't work for everyone, heck Rob deals with Joshuas father cause it lessens the tension between me and him. I know no matter what I say will change Stephens mothers mind, so am I just supposed to let it go and try to get over how I feel, like I am just a bystander who has no say, because she doesn't like the idea of me being a mother figure to her son...

I guess I'm upset about it because I care about stephen as if he were my own child and pnly want the best for him.

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I agree that it sounds really frustrating. I think it's something you need to figure out directly with Rob. It might involve some tough conversations.

A change needs to happen so that Rob is informed of important things going on in Stephen's life (the ear medication was a good example since you and Rob should have been continuing that at your house when you had Stephen). That's a conversation to be had directly between Rob and his ex without your involvement, but you can certainly let Rob know that this conversation needs to happen and why. If certain aspects of Stephen's care involve you, then he needs to pass that information on to you.

As far as scheduling that doesn't involve you directly (for instance, if you're not the one taking Stephen to an appointment), I think you need to let go. It's not the same situation that you have with Joshua, but as much as you care about Stephen, it's not necessary for you to be in on every detail of his life. It might be hurtful for his mother and you definitely don't want to push her away, even if she's sometimes unreasonable.

It also sounds like you need some thanks and reassurance from Rob for all that you do for Stephen. Ask for it!

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The only thing I can think of is to sit down and make a list of things you want to know. Fir example, medical, dental and eye appointments, school and extra curricular events (can't remember how old he is) etc. Discuss the list with Rob and ask him yo present it to her stating that he wants and has a right to know about these things from her. But it needs to come from him not you. It sounds like a super frustrating situation. Stephen is lucky to have a stepmom who loves him so much!

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"Freesia34" wrote:

The only thing I can think of is to sit down and make a list of things you want to know. Fir example, medical, dental and eye appointments, school and extra curricular events (can't remember how old he is) etc. Discuss the list with Rob and ask him yo present it to her stating that he wants and has a right to know about these things from her. But it needs to come from him not you. It sounds like a super frustrating situation. Stephen is lucky to have a stepmom who loves him so much!

That is all I ask for. I honestly don't care how I get the information, and rob is pretty good at letting me know what is going on, it's her not thinking that WE either have a right to know about ear appointments or eye appointments and just regular check ups. I don't know what she is thinking when she doesn't let Rob even know or what not but it can just be frustrating to hear from a 4 year old that he has medicine for his ears and not have the medicine to continue the medication. It's been going on like this for ever, when he was having bowel problems when he was 2 she didn't inform Rob of any appointments or medication that he had to take and when Rob brought it up to her she then informed him of the medication he needs to take and that she "forgot" to give it to us.

Right now he has major wax build up that I am sure needs to be looked at by a doctor and yet I can't take him to the doctor to get looked at and dealt with because I feel like I would be over stepping my bounds and I know she would throw a huge fit that I am trying to take over.

I am just trying to do whats in his best interest. I mean what kind of parent would I be if I cared more about my son and did more for him then I did for my step son who is in my care just a little bit less then my own son.

These situations suck and I do understand how she kind of feels about another mother figure being in her sons life, I mean Joshua has a step mother and she has been in his life since he was 9 months old and there have been times that I have been insecure and didn't like it, but I guess my thought is that if Joshua loves her and she takes good care of him and has his best interest at heart then it would only be more beneficial for Joshuas sake if we all worked together and made decisions as a united group. But I know that not everyone can let go of that insecure feeling of having someone take their spot as their childs mother.

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Stephen's mom should be on her hands and knees thanking her lucky stars that you love and care for her little boy as if he were your own! It isn't like you are his father's flavor of the week or something...you are his WIFE. I think she is being selfish and needs to grow up and be glad you are so involved.

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While I agree it's too bad his mom isn't more open with you IMO that is what it is and you're likely not going to change it or benefit the overall relationship by trying. Your husband needs to make clear requests on what he wants to know. Then he can relay to you. If you think Stephen needs to see a doctor etc then your husband needs to take him or ask her about it. It sucks that you can't do it all directly but as his mother those are apparently the ground rules she's comfortable with. It sounds like your DH could be more proactive in asking questions and setting his own ground rules on what he wants to know about - every doc apt, medication etc. I totally agree she should already be sharing this but since she's not i think it's up to DH to push the topic. Then once he knows he can share with you and if you both have concerns he can go back to her.

I'd like to say I would be open with a step mom and I think I could be the bigger person. But I still might be most comfortable dealing mostly with my children's father....especially if there is some bad blood (how ever misguided it might be on her part)

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I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know just how you feel, as it sounds like our "stories" are a lot alike (even though you didn't say how lol). DH and I both brought children into our marriage. I had my son Reagan, who was two at the time, he had his two year old Logan, I had our son Max in March of '05 and their son Ian was born in April of '05 (yes, you did the math right... too long of a story lol). His ex has always hated me, and I can barely step into the state that they live in (Idaho) without her throwing a fit, let alone have any kind of say in their lives. Considering you've been in this child's life since birth, you have every right to be involved. Does your DH stick up for you in this matter? Because honestly, that's where you have to start. He has to be on your side, and then take it up with his ex. I hope you get this all figured out, as I know these types of things can make a marriage very tense and stressful. Good luck...